Things are funny after you're dead. Or rather, after you were supposed to die and didn't, and you'd told certain people certain things you'd never have said if you thought you'd ever see them again.
I loved the voice of 1st person pov. What the story is about is evident right off. But I had to read the second sentence a couple of time to catch the meaning.
I completely understand this sentiment (sort of like "drunk dialing," only more permanent), but I'm out of breath after reading that opening! Nice job of conveying a frenzied sort of desperation, but I might tighten up the second sentence just a tad. :-)
"Things are funny after you're dead. Or rather, after you were supposed to die and didn't, and you'd told certain people certain things you'd never have said if you thought you'd ever see them again."
I love this style of writing. I didn't get "frenzied desperation" from the second sentence, though. I "heard" it as conversational, and it made me think I could be in for an interesting story, on one of those evenings you spend in front of the fireplace, with a bottle of whiskey on the side table. :-)
:) I love this type of voice, and I'd definitely keep reading. I know the submission was for two sentences, and this sorta sounds like you combined the third one into the second one. I think it might be better to end after "Or rather, after you were supposed to die and didn't." And then keep going. I dunno, I still loved it.
Things are funny after you're dead. Or rather, after you were supposed to die and didn't, and you'd told certain people certain things you'd never have said if you thought you'd ever see them again.
This needs to be tightened, but you have a great start. The voice is strong and engaging.
Concept is great. I'd lose the first sentence, since he/she's not actually dead, and just go into "things get funny when you were supposed to die but didn't." T
I was ready not to like it after seeing so many lately starting with the MC's death, but the explanation and humor in the second sentence definitely hooked me.
Lol! I like this! I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI had to read this twice to get what you were saying, but once I got it, I liked it.
ReplyDeleteI loved the voice of 1st person pov. What the story is about is evident right off. But I had to read the second sentence a couple of time to catch the meaning.
ReplyDeleteI think you can tighten this a lot. It's pretty wordy and it lost me. But I like the concept.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the voice. Perhaps the second sentence could be tightened up (I too read it twice), but even so, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like this one!
ReplyDeleteThis was great. It might be easier to read if you break your sentences up differently--the first sentence ending after didn't.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in the idea, but I think it needs tightening.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand this sentiment (sort of like "drunk dialing," only more permanent), but I'm out of breath after reading that opening! Nice job of conveying a frenzied sort of desperation, but I might tighten up the second sentence just a tad. :-)
ReplyDelete"Things are funny after you're dead. Or rather, after you were supposed to die and didn't, and you'd told certain people certain things you'd never have said if you thought you'd ever see them again."
ReplyDeleteI love this style of writing. I didn't get "frenzied desperation" from the second sentence, though. I "heard" it as conversational, and it made me think I could be in for an interesting story, on one of those evenings you spend in front of the fireplace, with a bottle of whiskey on the side table. :-)
Really like the opening sentence. I agree that the second sentence, while captivating, needs some revision.
ReplyDelete:) I love this type of voice, and I'd definitely keep reading. I know the submission was for two sentences, and this sorta sounds like you combined the third one into the second one. I think it might be better to end after "Or rather, after you were supposed to die and didn't." And then keep going. I dunno, I still loved it.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing with a bit of sarcastic humor—enough to give me a sense of the narrator and plot. I’m definitely engaged and want to read more!
ReplyDeleteSecond sentence was a bit long in explanations, but I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThings are funny after you're dead. Or rather, after you were supposed to die and didn't, and you'd told certain people certain things you'd never have said if you thought you'd ever see them again.
ReplyDeleteThis needs to be tightened, but you have a great start. The voice is strong and engaging.
Love this voice!
ReplyDeletehehe. It's a bit convoluted, but I like it :) Good sense of humour.
ReplyDeleteConcept is great. I'd lose the first sentence, since he/she's not actually dead, and just go into "things get funny when you were supposed to die but didn't." T
ReplyDeleteI was ready not to like it after seeing so many lately starting with the MC's death, but the explanation and humor in the second sentence definitely hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and concept. Too many you'd in the 2nd senctence for me. I'd read on though.
ReplyDeleteI loved the first sentence, but you need to edit the second sentence. I'd continue reading.
ReplyDeleteThis got me hooked. I love it.
ReplyDeleteFunny. The second sentence gets a bit confusing, but I like the voice. I'm hooked.
ReplyDelete