"I'll show him," she thought as she kicked a rock further up the hill. "I'll spend a night in that stupid non-haunted house and then he'll have to see that I'm old enough."
The dialogue is in quotes, but then after it's, she thought. She didn't think it, she said it aloud to herself. I think it tells the reader right away that this is haunted house story, so if kids are interested in that, they'll keep reading.
I like the voice and the sense of conflict, but I think that punctuation on internal dialogue can get tricky. The quotation marks make it seem like she's speaking aloud. Would italics be better? (Though then you'd have to figure out how to handle "non-haunted.")
I'm with christy: I'd like to see a name for this grumpy child right there in the opening sentence. Nice job of conveying a sense of personality in very few words, though! :-)
Gives a good solid sense of time, place, and setting, as well as some insight into your narrator. Plus it introduces the plot right up front. Good job!
"I'll show him," she thought as she kicked a rock further up the hill. "I'll spend a night in that stupid non-haunted house and then he'll have to see that I'm old enough."
I like the tone of voice for the character. She sounds spoiled and bitter, and that draws me in because I want to know why.
I think you should use italics for the thoughts. Quotation marks make it sound like she's speaking aloud.
I don't think she sounds bratty or spoiled, since we don't know why she feels this way. I find the non-haunted a little jarring for some reason. almost would prefer something like "supposedly haunted" although that might be too adult for her.
The situation doesn't really intrigue me. From this I get that he/she is an irritated kid who will be in a haunted house for the rest of the story. Not really a new or exciting concept, to me. Perhaps, you should drop us in the action of being in the haunted house. Have the MC terrified then refrence back to why he/she thought it would be a good idea go there in the first place. JMO.
Sounds like a grumpy kid. And I'm guessing something spooky will happen. I'm not immediately interested.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to have a name to identify the character with. And you could call it a haunted house with the same effect.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is in quotes, but then after it's, she thought. She didn't think it, she said it aloud to herself. I think it tells the reader right away that this is haunted house story, so if kids are interested in that, they'll keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and the sense of conflict, but I think that punctuation on internal dialogue can get tricky. The quotation marks make it seem like she's speaking aloud. Would italics be better? (Though then you'd have to figure out how to handle "non-haunted.")
ReplyDeleteI'm with christy: I'd like to see a name for this grumpy child right there in the opening sentence. Nice job of conveying a sense of personality in very few words, though! :-)
ReplyDeleteYep. I'm thinking 'spoiled child'. It turns me off immediately.
ReplyDeleteGives a good solid sense of time, place, and setting, as well as some insight into your narrator. Plus it introduces the plot right up front. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYou caught my attention. I'm very interested to know what she's old enough for, and who the "he" is.
ReplyDeleteI like this, and think my kids would too!
ReplyDelete"I'll show him," she thought as she kicked a rock further up the hill. "I'll spend a night in that stupid non-haunted house and then he'll have to see that I'm old enough."
ReplyDeleteI like the tone of voice for the character. She sounds spoiled and bitter, and that draws me in because I want to know why.
I think you should use italics for the thoughts. Quotation marks make it sound like she's speaking aloud.
I got a clear image right away, which is always a good thing!
ReplyDeleteCliche. I'd read on if the blurb promised interesting things.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the dialogue in quotes. Would be better to use italics and removed the she thought.
ReplyDeleteNot too keen on her attitude..
I loved this. I would definitely read on, but I would like to knoe the name of the character.
ReplyDeleteI don't think she sounds bratty or spoiled, since we don't know why she feels this way. I find the non-haunted a little jarring for some reason. almost would prefer something like "supposedly haunted" although that might be too adult for her.
ReplyDeleteThe situation doesn't really intrigue me. From this I get that he/she is an irritated kid who will be in a haunted house for the rest of the story. Not really a new or exciting concept, to me. Perhaps, you should drop us in the action of being in the haunted house. Have the MC terrified then refrence back to why he/she thought it would be a good idea go there in the first place. JMO.
ReplyDeletei would read on. I want to know how old she is and who he is.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hooked. The story plot seems rather cliché to me.
ReplyDelete