I watched as the three of them stood at the edge of the sidewalk, pulled rubber masks out of their backpacks and put them on. One was a laughing gargoyle, another Frankenstein, and the third, Shrek with blood running down his eyes.
You could leave off the "I watched as" and have a much stronger sentence. In the second sentence, was blood running down his eyes or running from his eyes? I got tripped up a bit.
I need to find some sentences christy hasn't seen yet, because I keep agreeing with her -- and gosh darn it, I want to type the comment first for a change! ;-)
This is minor (and the question may be answered soon in your text), but I wondered why the gargoyle and Shrek masks are so obviously perverted (laughing and bloody, respectively) but Frankenstein seems to be his usual self. I'm sure there's a point in there somewhere....
I’m not quite sure. This could be something as intriguing as a bank robbery, or mundane like trick or treating. I can’t say I’m “hooked,” but I’d probably read a bit further just to see what’s going on.
I'm not quite hooked. I find myself wondering why the edge of the sidewalk is important. But when I divorce myself from the idea that it's sinister I feel more hooked - like if this was about teenagers going out for Halloween.
I watched as the three of them stood at the edge of the sidewalk, pulled rubber masks out of their backpacks and put them on. One was a laughing gargoyle, another Frankenstein, and the third, Shrek with blood running down his eyes.
Yes, take out the "I watched as" and you'll have a stronger sentence.
Wow. Freaky Shrek. That would keep me reading. I hope this is robbery stuff and not just Halloween. But then again, why would robbers be wearing backpacks? I immediately think of young school-kids. But that's just me.
Interesting... but I'm not grabbed. Pop culture references tend to put me off.
ReplyDeleteYou could leave off the "I watched as" and have a much stronger sentence. In the second sentence, was blood running down his eyes or running from his eyes? I got tripped up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI like the vivid picture, but who is them. Robbers? Obviously, something interesting is going on.
ReplyDeleteDitto what Christy said. Exactly my first impression.
ReplyDeleteIt felt a bit long to me. Something interesting is going on, but I want a firmer sense of POV, I think. Is that possible in two lines? I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteMy thought was that it was Halloween with kids going trick-or-treating. Not quite enough to hook me yet, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the blood image. I also was hooked because I wondered if they were robbers or trick-or-treaters.
ReplyDeleteI think you could tighten the writing some. Plus I stopped and frowned at Shrek.
ReplyDeleteI need to find some sentences christy hasn't seen yet, because I keep agreeing with her -- and gosh darn it, I want to type the comment first for a change! ;-)
ReplyDeleteThis is minor (and the question may be answered soon in your text), but I wondered why the gargoyle and Shrek masks are so obviously perverted (laughing and bloody, respectively) but Frankenstein seems to be his usual self. I'm sure there's a point in there somewhere....
I’m not quite sure. This could be something as intriguing as a bank robbery, or mundane like trick or treating. I can’t say I’m “hooked,” but I’d probably read a bit further just to see what’s going on.
ReplyDeleteChristy, etc., etc., read my mind. I'm curious to know if it is Halloween, or something really weird going down.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite hooked. I find myself wondering why the edge of the sidewalk is important. But when I divorce myself from the idea that it's sinister I feel more hooked - like if this was about teenagers going out for Halloween.
ReplyDeleteI watched as the three of them stood at the edge of the sidewalk, pulled rubber masks out of their backpacks and put them on. One was a laughing gargoyle, another Frankenstein, and the third, Shrek with blood running down his eyes.
ReplyDeleteYes, take out the "I watched as" and you'll have a stronger sentence.
Wow. Freaky Shrek. That would keep me reading. I hope this is robbery stuff and not just Halloween. But then again, why would robbers be wearing backpacks? I immediately think of young school-kids. But that's just me.
Good concept, delivery needs tightening.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a robbery. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'd read on. It would depend on who "they" is. I don't know if I should be picturing kids, teenagers, or adults.
ReplyDeleteMy impression is that these are bank robbers. 'I watched as' sets a passive tone. I agree with christy; you could leave it out.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I'd read on.
Is this Hallowe'en or a bank robbery? I'd probably skip it since I don't like to read horror.
ReplyDeleteI agree if I watched as was removed. Interesting.
ReplyDelete