Dangling from the end of a tiny climbing rope, sixty feet up the sheer rock face of Mingo Falls, I remember begging God to keep me from splattering across the forest floor like an overripe melon.
I even promised that if I by some miracle I got up over the ledge safely,I would not strangle our club president, Charlie Sinclair, who organized this insane rock climbing expedition to the Qualla Boundary of the Cherokee Indians.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yikes. TMI all at once. It most definitely did not draw me in.
ReplyDeleteDangling from the end of a tiny climbing rope, sixty feet up the sheer rock face of Mingo Falls, I remember begging God to keep me from splattering across the forest floor like an overripe melon.
ReplyDeleteI even promised that if I by some miracle I got up over the ledge safely,I would not strangle our club president, Charlie Sinclair, who organized this insane rock climbing expedition to the Qualla Boundary of the Cherokee Indians.
Although an interesting beginning with a hint of tension, I agree with Karen's above comment. Way too much information. You definitely should break this up.
"tiny climbing rope" - why is it tiny? Should you describe it as thin instead? Is that what you mean? Tiny is confusing.
"like an overripe melon" seems cliched to me - and really not a pretty picture I want in my head in the first two lines of a story.
Hmmm . . . if the expedition is so insane, why did this character agree to do it? That's at least a good question you've got me asking! And should keep me reading.
I agree with the other comments - too much info.
ReplyDeleteWow. too much info.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is interesting, but I don't really feel tension here. I'm assuming if he lived to tell this story, he did not splatter across the forest floor. Could you maybe rework the second sentence a bit and start with that?
ReplyDeleteI think it would be stronger if you dropped "remember" and change it to "I begged God..." That brings more immediacy. Otherwise, we know there is no true danger. Suspense is gone.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is good, but I don't want it to be a flash forward and then go back to before the expedition starts. Take out a couple of details in the second paragraph (name of president and park) and it would be stronger. You can work them in easy later.
I think it's a great start. You just need to cut some of the details.
ReplyDeleteHow about...
ReplyDeleteDangling from the end of a climbing rope, I begged God to keep me from splattering on the forest floor.
I even promised not to strangle Charlie, who organized this insane rock climbing expedition.
I'd read more, but maybe hold some of the info back for later, like the others suggested.
That's a lot of information for 2 sentences, but I like the conflict and action and tone, so I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but not a hooker. There's WAY too much backstory and hedging around the current situation rather than putting us in the moment and letting your readers experience the fear and adrenaline rush alongside the MC.
ReplyDeleteSecond sentence drags a little too much, but I like it, mostly for the voice you set up.
ReplyDeleteWay too much info here, but the core situtation of dangling on a rope sixty feet from death is interesting.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, wary of anymore effusive sentences.
I like your idea, but think the sentences should be edited. For example you have a lot of ing words.. Dangling, begging, climbing, spattering,
ReplyDeleteI would try rewriting it, it has a lot of promise.
I agree with the too much info remarks. The rewrite by anonymous gives the core info, but in a much tighter, interesting way, IMO.
ReplyDeleteHow about something like this?
ReplyDelete"Dangling from that tiny climbing rope, sixty feet up the Mingo Falls, I felt like one of those gallon jars of Hellman’s that David Letterman likes to toss off the Ed Sullivan Theatre. You know, the ones that explode on the downtown asphalt and splatter unsuspecting bystanders with warm gummy mayonnaise."
I agree there's a bit too much info as it's written, but with a bit of tightening and streamlining I think it could work. I like the voice and the idea of the opening, it just needs some work, IMO, before I'd call it a hook and would want to read on. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc