GENRE: YA/fantasy
Repentance Atwater sat still as a rock, clenching her hands in her lap to keep them from trembling. Staring at her reflection in the wet, black stone before her, she attempted a happy expression, but only accomplished the terrified look of a rabbit caught in torchlight.
Her mother stood behind her, gently raking her fingers through Repentance's freshly washed hair. The woman hummed a lively buttoning tune as she worked, oblivious to the pain that would come with the night.
A weeping and a wailing.
There would come a weeping and a wailing. Repentance had been to plenty of failed button ceremonies. She knew what it felt like to stand helpless before the overlords as they loaded up the slave carts.
Mercy Atwater began to plait Repentance's hair. All the button girls wore braids.
Repentance closed her eyes, trying to focus on the tune her mother hummed, but she could not shut out the sound of the steady drip from the fog-drenched trees. Even sitting in the back of the cave, through thick stone walls and two leather curtains drawn down, she could hear the incessant drip, drip, drip.
A weeping and a wailing.
She didn't want to be the cause of it. But what could she do? Inside she'd been weeping and wailing all her life.
She could go along with the buttoning, that's what she could do. She could learn to be content like everyone else.
But she was not like everyone else. She wanted to be. She tried to be.
I love your title and your story so far!
ReplyDeleteLet us know if you sell your book!
I'll buy it!
I loved this. Really, really good. Plus the name Repentance Atwater is totally cool.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I seriously love the last line about not being like everyone else.
ReplyDeleteI did find the names -- Repentance and Mercy -- a little off-putting. Like a character named "Pretty" or "Smart."
Loved the tone of it though, good luck!
Interesting and evocative...but I kept tripping over her name :(
ReplyDeleteI would read on, just to see what the buttoning ceremony is. You might consider your repetative use of "a weeping and a wailing." To a point, repetition makes for strong writing. However, if used too much, it pulls the reader out.
ReplyDeleteLoved this. I did think the weeping and wailing was repeated a *little* too much, though.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a winner. Good luck!
brimfire: Signing anonymously because my computer is refusing to cooperate with Blogger.
Fascinated.... Yes, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteNice writing. I'm confused about the button ceremony was all about. The repetitions were a little repetitious, but I liked it over all. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in the buttoning ceremony too. The names grew on me. They certainly put the story outside the contemporary world. The weeping and wailing brought to mind the old "This train's bound for glory" song. Makes me wonder if there's a religious or slavery theme in the story.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant! I've never read anything quite this good before. I think I can die happy now.
ReplyDeleteheh heh
Are we allowed to comment on our own entries?
I'm intrigued to see where it goes, especially the button ceremony. I'm also interested in the meaning behind the weeping and wailing.
ReplyDeleteThe title is also great.
I'm intrigued by the buttoning ceremony. I also immediately fell in love with Repentance (though not her name...maybe consider giving her a nickname from it, just to use in writing so people don't trip over it. "Penny" or "Tance" or something shorter). Hooked :)
ReplyDeleteLOL Sally!
ReplyDeleteI've already commented, but I can honestly say this is one of my top three favorites! (Besides my own!)
LOL!
I would definitely read more - just to see what the weeping and wailing are! After the repetition, I'm definitely a little confused, but more curious than anything! Good job!
ReplyDeleteYep. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThough there’s no much actually happening in these first 250 words, I’m definitely hooked. The tension is great, and I love Repentance’s narrative voice. Plus, I’d really love to know what “buttoning” is!
ReplyDeleteI'd be ok without the repetition as well. I'm sort of confused. I enjoy the writing, but I'll be honest in saying it's my confusion that drives me to read more. Granted, it is late and I'm tired so that may be why. Otherwise, great writing. :)
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of Amish SF because of your voice and the word and name choice (plait, Mercy, Repentance). Sort of like the Tripod books by Christopher Hill (I think)--they had a "capping" ceremony in those.
ReplyDeleteIf I were a YA reader, this would hook me immediately. It's only my non-YA-ness that holds me back. :) Movement, conflict, characterization, eerieness, all very good.
(And do I remember you from the ACFW boards? I was a member there for a couple of years.)
Alice, I used to be a member of ACFW. Didn't renew my membership this year.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't very active on that loop, but you might recognize my name from the loop or one of the conferences.
I don't have a problem at all with the name. In fact, the name "Repentance" is one of the things that hooked me. I think right off the bat I know this is about some sect, or secretive community. It feels very old-school Puritan and fits perfectly with what looks like is coming.
ReplyDeleteI like this.
I don't like the protag's name. Try saying "Repentance's" three tims fast. Now think about selling this as an audio book.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is awkwardly constructed. I'd worked on that. Likewise, in the second paragraph, "a lively buttoning tune" is confusing. The reader doesn't know yet what buttoning is.
Oh, I would love to think of selling this as an audio book.
ReplyDeleteOr a movie! heh heh
Heck, at this point I'd love to sell it to the lowest bidder for weekly installments for a Sunday School take-home paper. =0)
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, Secret Agent! What a huge commitment of time you've made. And I'm really learning from this. It's very helpful stuff.