TITLE: Blood Destiny
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Afternoon light dappled through delicate leaves clinging to the centuries old oak tree. Its gnarled limbs danced with nearby branches. The tree grew for more years than Tobias Strigoi witnessed, following seasons of growth and death.
The oak survived before and would continue to grow long after he left. No ties held him to this land, a place where mountains met timberlines. A mysterious land shrouded in legends shared in hushed tones at the local taverns where ancients older than the trees walked the earth. He knew first hand there was truth in those legends. More truth than most people realized. But now was not the time to concern himself with thoughts of the old ones. For the first time in years, he was free. Tobias had always ignored the clarion call of his adventurous side.
No longer could he neglect the message. No longer did he have to. The summons of the gypsy within cried out, demanding his attention. It was liberating, which made him feel both sad and excited. Sad, because the only family member he ever cared about was dead, his sweet mother. Liberated. He could live his life, finally, with no obligations other than to himself. His heart mourned her death. Swallowing the emotions.
With a creased brow and shoulders slumped, he walked through the empty house. A house, which at one time echoed with laughter and the aromas of mouthwatering meals, he would miss his mother.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm not sure. I want to say yes, because this is well-written and hints at the story to come... but I wish there was a little more action or dialogue, instead of starting with so much reflection...
ReplyDeleteMy opinion is the same as Sponge's.
ReplyDeleteBut I will say it does sound like it's an interesting story.
I'm not hooked because this is mostly backstory and internalizations, but the prose are lovely. Very lyrical and nice imagery.
ReplyDeleteI liked and would read more. However, (there's always one, isn't there? ;)) I feel like I'm coming in in the middle of a conversation. For me, not enough was revealed up front, but it would only take a small tweak to fix that. Story sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful writing but I'm not hooked. If it's essential to come straight into his thoughts over his mothers death and his new freedom, do just that and leave the beautiful scenery for explaining when he goes to leave or something? It's very visual, and again good writing, but I'm not pulled into the story like I want to be. I have yet to understand why I should sympathize or feel or relate to Tobias.
ReplyDeleteI think it would work better maybe a bit later in the story. Start off with some action or a good hook, then bring this in later.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hooked. I think the writing is very nice and flowing, but it didn't seem to go anywhere. I pictured him in front of the tree, then it jumped to the house at the end and I was confused (I am tired, so that could be it).
ReplyDeleteIt does have potential, but it may take another page to capture my interest.
I loved your voice and your writing, but it didn't grab me. I think there's an interesting premise here but it's not shining through in these first words. This with a fantastic back cover blurb might get me though. But as is I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the language is nice, nothing happens in this section--it's just a character staring off into space and reflecting on the state of things. Get us into the house faster, where there's potential conflict and plot.
ReplyDeleteWell, my thought process in writing the first 250 odd words was to get into the mc character's head. To get the reader to wonder about him, and the place where he grew up. To sympathize with his coming to a fork in the road of his life(somehow, perhaps, identifying with him). The ending of one chapter and the beginning of another.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful writing but I'm not hooked...yet. If the blurb was interesting enough to grab my attention in the first place then I might keep reading until the end of the chapter (unless it's too long)to see if there's more action.
ReplyDeleteBased on what's here alone, I'm not hooked. As others have said, it's very lyrical and lovely prose, but right now I'm having problems identifying with the character. Between that and the inaction of the scene, I think I'd stop reading.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I had issues with the fragment "Swallowing the emotions," which seemed out of place, since the preceding was more indicative of expressing his emotion than swallowing it. And I'd make "He'd miss his mother" in the last line a sentence by itself.
The second place has a misplaced modifier that made me laugh out loud:
ReplyDelete"A mysterious land shrouded in legends shared in hushed tones at the local taverns where ancients older than the trees walked the earth." The ancients walked the earth in the tavern, apparently. I'm pretty sure that you meant they walked the earth in legends, but that's not how it actually reads.
The last sentence needs fixing as well: "A house, which at one time echoed with laughter and the aromas of mouthwatering meals, he would miss his mother." It's a fragment with a clause at the end that is actually a full sentence. Stylistically it doesn't work.
Still a lot of work to do, and nope - wasn't hooked.
The second place has a misplaced modifier that made me laugh out loud:
ReplyDeleteAlways happy to bring laughter into someone's life.
"A mysterious land shrouded in legends shared in hushed tones at the local taverns where ancients older than the trees walked the earth." The ancients walked the earth in the tavern, apparently. I'm pretty sure that you meant they walked the earth in legends, but that's not how it actually reads.
And no--I meant they walked the earth. Physically, because they are vampires, and yes, the vamps were known to frequent the taverns from time to time.