I like it for the description, but I'm immediately wary that it starts with the narrator remembering... I'd probably read on a bit, but I'd like to see an active scene get going quite quickly. (I don't mind if it starts with a back flash, per se, it just has to be active and keep moving.)
It could be tightened a bit, though. Since the first sentence tells us that the narrator is remembering, the phrase "I recall" in the second sentence is redundant. Also, "most vividly" doesn't add anything to the description (it's abstract) and it dilutes the impact of the rest of the sentence.
Would you consider cutting these two phrases so that it reads:
I remember the first time I met Kumari. She smelled of gunmetal, blood and death.
OK, I got a chill out of that. Nice job with the thoroughly unexpected olfactory smack! :-)
One minor thing: I think "I recall, most vividly," is unnecessary. The first sentence already indicates the POV character is remembering. I think I'd jump right into "She smelled of gunmetal, blood and death."
Hooked! I love it. The opening promises adventure and danger. Just the kind of book I want to read.
ReplyDeletevery kewl. I'd read on. Not my usual kind of book, but very interesting start.
ReplyDeleteGreat hook.
ReplyDeleteI'd expect the narrator to prove the sort of person who knows what gunmetal, blood, and death smell like in the next few paras, though.
But with that opening, I suspect he/she will.
Excellent. I'd expect good things from the rest of the post.
ReplyDeleteDitto!
ReplyDeleteNice hook. Works for me.
ReplyDeleteI like it for the description, but I'm immediately wary that it starts with the narrator remembering... I'd probably read on a bit, but I'd like to see an active scene get going quite quickly. (I don't mind if it starts with a back flash, per se, it just has to be active and keep moving.)
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, hooked.
Interesting start. I would read on to see what it's about.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Definitely hooked by the description.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm not very into characters who smell like THAT, but I would read on to see how the 'real' start of the story goes.
Hmm...I'm iffy on this one. It tells me that a guy is remembering his femme fatal love-at-first-sight love interest...and that's it.
ReplyDelete*shrugs* Can't put my finger on it, but not hooked.
Good hook, I'd definitely want to read more!
ReplyDeleteIt could be tightened a bit, though. Since the first sentence tells us that the narrator is remembering, the phrase "I recall" in the second sentence is redundant. Also, "most vividly" doesn't add anything to the description (it's abstract) and it dilutes the impact of the rest of the sentence.
Would you consider cutting these two phrases so that it reads:
I remember the first time I met Kumari. She smelled of gunmetal, blood and death.
THe second sentance felt clunky, but I liked the visual. I'd read on. Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteFantasic start! And well written.
ReplyDeleteYou got me!
OK, I got a chill out of that. Nice job with the thoroughly unexpected olfactory smack! :-)
ReplyDeleteOne minor thing: I think "I recall, most vividly," is unnecessary. The first sentence already indicates the POV character is remembering. I think I'd jump right into "She smelled of gunmetal, blood and death."
Good job!
Great name, Kumari. Nice description in the second sentence. I’d read more.
ReplyDeleteExcellent. Interesting. Good hook.
ReplyDeleteGood opening! Solid character introduction and setting up of the mood. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteTake out "that" and the comma after recall, it might flow better.
ReplyDeleteI remember the first time I met Kumari. I recall most vividly, she smelled of gunmetal, blood and death.
WOW! I would read it and I'm picky