Sister Agnes stands at the front of the room in her dark blue suit, her iron gray hair as shaped and perfect as ever. The room quiets down swiftly; no one can quiet a class as fast as Sister Agnes.
"dark blue suit" shouldn't be followed so closely by "iron gray hair"-the rhythm is off. I'm not sure I like being told Sister Agnes can quiet a class faster than anyone else...maybe there's another way to show this?
I suppose I'm biased. :P I guess if I was reading this as a normal reader, I'm a bit torn--I like it for the curiosity of who Anges is (and the hope she's a killer nun %-) bwha ha ha) but I'd probably glance down a few more paragraphs to see if it'd hook me.
I like this. It's a quiet beginning, but provides a lot of details about Sister Agnes. I'd read on but would hope to find some conflict or action immediately though.
Not a fan of first person voice, nor of not knowing who the narrator is. There's also no real discernable tension/action happening here. So, no, I'm not really hooked.
I like this prim, proper, quiet little opening, and I can see that nun quite vividly. (At least, I'm assuming she's a nun. Sounds like a nun. Maybe if she were brandishing a ruler I'd know for sure.... ;-) )
I agree with Wulf about tidying up the prose just a tad, and I like his suggestion of using a more conversational tone. Present tense lends itself to that sort of voice. :-)
Average Grade Level Average Readability Level: 6.02 Average of grade levels scores that follow. Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 82.9 Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 6.7 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 6.9 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Thanks everyone. This is a work in progress and in rough draft and I wanted so good suggestions on how to fix it up. I appreciate all feedback on how to rewrite this into a stronger opening.
"dark blue suit" shouldn't be followed so closely by "iron gray hair"-the rhythm is off. I'm not sure I like being told Sister Agnes can quiet a class faster than anyone else...maybe there's another way to show this?
ReplyDeleteIt reads a bit rough, like the voice is struggling to emerge.
ReplyDeleteImo, you can conquer this by writing it more like you would say it to a friend. For instance, I might say:
"Sister Agnes walks up front, smooths the creases in her dark blue suit, and the room goes so silent you could hear a pin drop."
I'm sure you'll word it even more gooder :)
I suppose I'm biased. :P I guess if I was reading this as a normal reader, I'm a bit torn--I like it for the curiosity of who Anges is (and the hope she's a killer nun %-) bwha ha ha) but I'd probably glance down a few more paragraphs to see if it'd hook me.
ReplyDeleteVery good. Is it an orphanage? I'd want to read on to find out what's going on. I think the first sentence needs a little reworking to read smoother.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It's a quiet beginning, but provides a lot of details about Sister Agnes. I'd read on but would hope to find some conflict or action immediately though.
ReplyDeleteDon't need to repeat her name at the end, since she's the only person actually mentioned by name.
ReplyDelete'as she can' = better.
I'm not sure. I'd see where you're going with this.
Hmm...I'm interested. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI like it, as is. I get the picture, true and clear. As the reader, I think I know who Sister Agnes is, the sort of person she is. The scene is set.
ReplyDelete“Quiet” is used twice in the same sentence. I’m really not fond of present tense. Not hooked. Sorry
ReplyDeleteNothing stands out to hook me.
ReplyDeleteSister Agnes intrigues me.
ReplyDeletePerhaps "...the room goes silent. No one can...."
Beyond using "quiet" twice so close together, it's always good if you can avoid loading up on adverbs(e.g. down & swiftly).
I'm okay with the present tense, if it's done well and consistently, and there seems to be a valid reason for it.
Not a fan of first person voice, nor of not knowing who the narrator is. There's also no real discernable tension/action happening here. So, no, I'm not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like this prim, proper, quiet little opening, and I can see that nun quite vividly. (At least, I'm assuming she's a nun. Sounds like a nun. Maybe if she were brandishing a ruler I'd know for sure.... ;-) )
ReplyDeleteI agree with Wulf about tidying up the prose just a tad, and I like his suggestion of using a more conversational tone. Present tense lends itself to that sort of voice. :-)
Average Grade Level
ReplyDeleteAverage Readability Level: 6.02
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 82.9
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 6.7
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 6.9
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 6.7
Too complicated, simplify
Thanks everyone. This is a work in progress and in rough draft and I wanted so good suggestions on how to fix it up. I appreciate all feedback on how to rewrite this into a stronger opening.
ReplyDelete