You've just said you are squinting because of the sudden light, so the question sounds like a pop quiz. The following sentences might cause the question to make more sense, e.g., you explain the source of the sudden light. This would still require a rewrite. I find the idea of the opening quite sound, though. I feel myself perceiving light, squinting, gasping for breath... wondering what will happen next.
I don’t like present tense. Beyond that, the second sentence seems unnecessary and your eyes seem to squint of their own volition. I’d probably put this book down without a second glance. I’ve only read one book I liked that was in present tense (Sirena) and I only liked it because the content made up for the irksome tense and it was poetic. Sorry, this wouldn’t hook me.
If there's a reason she normally wouldn't be squinting in this situation, then work it into the question: "Why am I squinting, when [or if] such and such is usually the case."
As it is, the question is a big turnoff. Not hooked.
Because of the sudden light? :) I'm not fond of the question here. Maybe giving us more of the situation instead would offer a more compelling hook.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why you're squinting, either, but you're not giving me a strong reason to care.
ReplyDeleteHow about this for a second sentence: Why?
ReplyDeleteDidn't like the second sentence. How about what the narrator does about it instead?
ReplyDeleteThis could be worded better, in my personal opinion.
ReplyDeleteA couple examples:
"I squint against the sudden light, gasping for breath."
"Squinting against the sudden light, I gasped for breath."
The question posed in the second sentence seems strange and unnecessary since you've given a reason for squinting in the first sentence.
Hope that helps. Keep at it!
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ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else. Also, present tense is often hard to do well and continue throughout an entire book.
ReplyDeleteDuh! Didn't hook me at all. Just words on vitrual paper.
ReplyDeleteI suggest cutting the question and moving forward with what's causing the sudden light. That would have more hook for me.
ReplyDeleteWhy am I squinting?
ReplyDeleteHeh.
You tell me.
Not crazy about the first sentence, because it sounds like this person's body is taking over, and the person is passive and reacting to everything.
Er, no, sorry. I'm not found of how this is set up and the question isn't one I want to bother to answer. *shrugs*
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence I like, second stopped me. Instead of asking, explain why you're squinting.
ReplyDelete??? You squint because of the sudden light. How about 'where am I?' or 'who's shining the light?' or something more urgent.
ReplyDeleteI'm not keen on first-person present tense.
Not hooked.
You've just said you are squinting because of the sudden light, so the question sounds like a pop quiz. The following sentences might cause the question to make more sense, e.g., you explain the source of the sudden light. This would still require a rewrite. I find the idea of the opening quite sound, though. I feel myself perceiving light, squinting, gasping for breath... wondering what will happen next.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather know why she's gasping.
ReplyDeleteAnd your second sentence can be read two ways. Is she wondering why she's squinting, which is how I originally read it.
Or is she talking to the reader, saying "I bet you're wondering why I'm squinting?"
Either way, why someone squints isn't enough for me.
I don’t like present tense. Beyond that, the second sentence seems unnecessary and your eyes seem to squint of their own volition. I’d probably put this book down without a second glance. I’ve only read one book I liked that was in present tense (Sirena) and I only liked it because the content made up for the irksome tense and it was poetic. Sorry, this wouldn’t hook me.
ReplyDeleteNot a fan of the first person voice. Also, I'm not feeling any tension about the squinting. What else is going on that would hook us into the story.
ReplyDeleteIf there's a reason she normally wouldn't be squinting in this situation, then work it into the question: "Why am I squinting, when [or if] such and such is usually the case."
ReplyDeleteAs it is, the question is a big turnoff. Not hooked.
Too little/too much
ReplyDeleteI don't love it
Is this a trick question? I'm reminded of Battle of the Jaywalk All-Stars. **shudder**
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest finding a second sentence. :-)