Ha! I'd keep reading because the voice is strong and I want to know what they are fighting about. The only deal-breaker for me would be if the boyfriend ended up being the stock "jerky-guy".
I'm a teenager and I'm always very wary of how authors use the word "freaking". There's a certain rhythm in a given sentence that can't be interrupted, and "freaking" is a frequent interruptor because it's a tricky word to use. This might just be a personal tic of mine, though, so take this with a grain of salt: I don't like where you placed it.
I can't explain it very well, but that's one of those words that makes or breaks the dialogue for me. As with any pseudo-swear, to be honest: Dang, heck (though not as much), etc.
I'd probably read on to see why it's former boyfriend and what he said to get this reaction. then I'd decide whether to read on or not. Not a bad start, though. Gets the attention.
I told Authoress that I will never ever complain about the 250 word limit after this.
The snippet does sound generic just those first two sentences. Which is why I really hated just posting those two.
Thanks again for the feedback!
@Freaking: I would probably say it the way I used here, however I do agree - I heard that line one way, but a lot of people will read it differently. So I'd say - 'out of your mind' like one word, with the emphasis on 'freaking'.
But it could come off the same way like "Are you freaking out".
Or something. :]
Anyway, I fixed it:
___________________________
I whirled around to face my boyfriend - or I guess that’s former boyfriend, since he’d just dumped me. The metal handle of the screen door dug into the palm of my hand because I forgot to let go, but I barely felt the pinch.
Sponge: I agree with you about two sentences vs. 250 words. A whole page worth of words seems like expansive territory after this exercise, doesn't it? ;-)
Who's speaking in the first sentence? Not hooked. I would have to read more to see...
ReplyDeleteGood tension and character voice here.
ReplyDeleteMeh. I think you're starting with the emotional tone too high--I'm turned off.
ReplyDeleteIt's close. I'd read another sentence or two, but something's lacking. I think the closest mark so far is that it "starts off too high [emotionally]"
ReplyDeleteHa! I'd keep reading because the voice is strong and I want to know what they are fighting about. The only deal-breaker for me would be if the boyfriend ended up being the stock "jerky-guy".
ReplyDeleteI'm a teenager and I'm always very wary of how authors use the word "freaking". There's a certain rhythm in a given sentence that can't be interrupted, and "freaking" is a frequent interruptor because it's a tricky word to use. This might just be a personal tic of mine, though, so take this with a grain of salt: I don't like where you placed it.
ReplyDeleteI can't explain it very well, but that's one of those words that makes or breaks the dialogue for me. As with any pseudo-swear, to be honest: Dang, heck (though not as much), etc.
My only question is if the guy just dumped her, why is she still hanging around? :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but I think the sentences are too generic. I've heard/read this way too many times.
ReplyDeleteThis worked fine for me, right in the middle of everything. As long as the scene delivers something fresh and knew, I think the opening works fine.
ReplyDeleteIf you clear up who's speaking in the first line, I'd say yes. Right now I can't tell if it's the girl or her ex.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read on to see why it's former boyfriend and what he said to get this reaction. then I'd decide whether to read on or not. Not a bad start, though. Gets the attention.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Steph (though, I am not a teenager :P ) Freaking should come after 'your' "Are you out of your freaking mind?"
ReplyDeleteOverall, the situation seems generic and I would not read on.
Thanks guys!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness.
I told Authoress that I will never ever complain about the 250 word limit after this.
The snippet does sound generic just those first two sentences. Which is why I really hated just posting those two.
Thanks again for the feedback!
@Freaking: I would probably say it the way I used here, however I do agree - I heard that line one way, but a lot of people will read it differently. So I'd say - 'out of your mind' like one word, with the emphasis on 'freaking'.
But it could come off the same way like "Are you freaking out".
Or something. :]
Anyway, I fixed it:
___________________________
I whirled around to face my boyfriend - or I guess that’s former boyfriend, since he’d just dumped me. The metal handle of the screen door dug into the palm of my hand because I forgot to let go, but I barely felt the pinch.
“Are you out of your freaking mind?”
Not terrible, but not spectacular. I’d read past these lines to see if you could hook me there.
ReplyDeleteInteresting opening. I'd read on a bit further to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteThe original isn't bad, but I like your rewrite much better - it clears up who's speaking, gives us some form of setting, and flows better.
ReplyDeleteLove the second version. :-)
ReplyDeleteSponge: I agree with you about two sentences vs. 250 words. A whole page worth of words seems like expansive territory after this exercise, doesn't it? ;-)