Take out the comma in the first sentence; it's unnecessary. but I like this and would read on, though I need to find out something more interesting about the house quickly!
I'd read another sentence or two, though this isn't particularly hooking.
The problem is, the narration has made the house the focus, but the house has no personality. Inject a bit of character into it, or conflict even, and you're on the right track.
Is it perched on the edge of a cliff, seemingly clinging to life against the will of gravity? Does it look like the sort of house that swallows children whole? Does it look like it was loved obsessively, but now shows wear around the edges?
I like the voice here, but I agree a more evocative description of the house might be helpful. Not a longer description, mind you -- just something that gives the house a bit of a "draw."
Interesting house description, but not terribly intriguing. I’m thinking Fall of the House of Usher already. I hope this house has a main role in your story since it takes precedence over the opening.
I really liked this. I would take out the comma too, and I actually liked the "understatement" part. I have a thing for old houses and what might be there, who might live there...I'd keep reading.
I'm afraid this one doesn't really grab me, just because what you're essentially doing is telling me the house is ancient. You've also got an extra comma between OLD and WOULD.
Still, it's hard to make a true decision about a work from the first two lines, so just take my comments as relevant to the first two lines and not necessarily to your work as a whole!
There's nothing wrong with the sentence structure or anything, but it's doesn't compel me to read on.
ReplyDeleteThis interests me, but the next few sentences would definitely need to draw me in more to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI have a thing for old houses, so I would so read on!
ReplyDeleteThat being said, it better grab me pretty quick to continue though.
:) Terri
Take out the comma in the first sentence; it's unnecessary. but I like this and would read on, though I need to find out something more interesting about the house quickly!
ReplyDeleteI'd read another sentence or two, though this isn't particularly hooking.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is, the narration has made the house the focus, but the house has no personality. Inject a bit of character into it, or conflict even, and you're on the right track.
Is it perched on the edge of a cliff, seemingly clinging to life against the will of gravity? Does it look like the sort of house that swallows children whole? Does it look like it was loved obsessively, but now shows wear around the edges?
"would be an understatement" is a cliché, IMO. But aside from that, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI don't care about houses... particularly. But I'd read the rest of the paragraph or following ones to see who lived there.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the comma and the cliche need to be removed. I'd also love to see something even stronger than decrepit, possibly something surprising.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any suggestions. That's just what I'd like to see!
I would read on a bit but not too much further unless something dramatic happened.
I'd have to read more to decide. Not enough here to grab me.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing paricularly interesting about an old house, but the voice hooks me. I'd read on to know the MC's relation to the house.
ReplyDeleteGood writing, but not a whole lot to intrigue. I'd probably read more to see if it got going.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit passive, and nothing really is happening. Start with the tension, right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteKinda cliche opening. Rather than say the house is decrepit, show us what it looks like.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here, but I agree a more evocative description of the house might be helpful. Not a longer description, mind you -- just something that gives the house a bit of a "draw."
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, though. The voice has me. :-)
Interesting house description, but not terribly intriguing. I’m thinking Fall of the House of Usher already. I hope this house has a main role in your story since it takes precedence over the opening.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. I would take out the comma too, and I actually liked the "understatement" part. I have a thing for old houses and what might be there, who might live there...I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid this one doesn't really grab me, just because what you're essentially doing is telling me the house is ancient. You've also got an extra comma between OLD and WOULD.
ReplyDeleteStill, it's hard to make a true decision about a work from the first two lines, so just take my comments as relevant to the first two lines and not necessarily to your work as a whole!