Move the question mark inside the quotes after 'Mr. Pastt' and put a period after 'asked'. Also, shuffling implies moving slowly, so you don't need both of those words.
Fix your punctuation. And I'm not sure I like the idea of voice and body being so seperate that they rate their own emotions. His voice could sound worried while he didn't look it, but the imagery presented is very scattered? maybe is the word I'm looking for. Fractured even.
I love it. I particularly like the way you express a sort of ambivalence about the character, who is putting emotion into his voice that is not confirmed by his body language. But do fix the punctuation.
I had to chuckle at the second sentence (once I got around the punctuation problem in the first sentence **glaring at writer**). I actually thought the description of the voice as clearly more worried than the body was cute!
Dump "slowly" from in front of "shuffled." Please. :-)
Move the question mark inside the quotes after 'Mr. Pastt' and put a period after 'asked'. Also, shuffling implies moving slowly, so you don't need both of those words.
ReplyDeleteYes, you need a question mark inside the quotes instead of after the sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Makes me wonder what happened to Mr. Pastt. Interesting last name there. Wondering if he's dead . . .
*runaway question mark and random comma alert* :)
ReplyDeletehis voice clearly more worried <- clearly, how? He doesn't sound too worried....
Fix your punctuation. And I'm not sure I like the idea of voice and body being so seperate that they rate their own emotions. His voice could sound worried while he didn't look it, but the imagery presented is very scattered? maybe is the word I'm looking for. Fractured even.
ReplyDeleteEdit.
Ouch on the punctuation. How is his body clearly less worried than his voice?
ReplyDeleteSince I don't know who Mr. Pastt is or how he is related to the MC, I'm not immediately interested in what they heard about him.
ReplyDeleteI think you could've used the second sentence to give context instead of a description of Torpey's demeanor.
I love it. I particularly like the way you express a sort of ambivalence about the character, who is putting emotion into his voice that is not confirmed by his body language. But do fix the punctuation.
ReplyDeleteI had to chuckle at the second sentence (once I got around the punctuation problem in the first sentence **glaring at writer**). I actually thought the description of the voice as clearly more worried than the body was cute!
ReplyDeleteDump "slowly" from in front of "shuffled." Please. :-)
It is really hard to pull off dialogue in an opening sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely read on. Good sense of tension and mystery, right off the bat. I'm guessing this is YA?
ReplyDeleteToo confusing to be intriguing. The second sentence feels clumsy. I might read a little more to see if it gets better.
ReplyDeleteTorpey's feet didn't shuffle down the hall. Torpey shuffled down the hall.
ReplyDeleteAnd neither his voice nor his body can worry.
Let him shuffle and worry.
Nothing in here really hooks me. Sorry. The punctuation error caught my attention though.
ReplyDelete