The first frisson of magic floated through the open window on a breeze, lifting the hair at the nape of Harket’s neck and making him hunch his shoulders as if in anticipation of a blow. Still, when it came, the wave of power drove him to his knees, grinding into every nerve in his body, closing around his heart and crushing his lungs.
The first sentence is very floaty and wafting, then the second is forceful and harsh.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is where the action is, and I think it would work well as the first sentence. Just a thought.
I'm not exactly caught here...
ReplyDeleteI think it depends on how you write the rest of the novel, or if you favor a more ominscient point of view (something I don't quite like).
I think you could get closer to the guy's point of view.
This feels too wordy for me. I struggle with wordy beginnings since I'm not invested in the story yet. I do like the content, however, so I'd still give it a chance.
ReplyDeleteI like the second sentence a lot - it's a very strong hook. I think the first one sets a stage that doesn't need to be set. Delete #1, start with #2 and go from there.
ReplyDeleteI definitely want to see sentence #3.
Sorry, no, for the impact this has it's too verbose. To many words insulate the scene, and the impact is lost. Trim it down a little.
ReplyDeleteThe other problem is I think Harket is getting attacked, but I don't care, because I don't know who or what he is. Maybe he's the bad guy. Maybe he isn't. Sentence one is a tough place to pull off an attack because the reader doesn't have any emotional connection yet.
Very wordy, but I like the imagery--magic floating through the window, then attacking. I don't usually read fantasy, but I'd keep going. I want to find out who this guy is and what he's doing.
ReplyDeleteI like the imagery in your first sentence, but I think you've got a stronger hook in the second. :-)
ReplyDeleteI like the contrast between a floaty benign magic and then having it attack the MC. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI like it. I'd want to read more.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit too wordy, but I'm still intrigued. The tension would be heightened if you get to the danger sooner, rather than bogging it down in nouns and adjectives.
ReplyDeleteGood descriptions, but a big wordy. I think I'd read on to see what happened. I've never heard of magic hitting someone like this. creative idea.
ReplyDeleteThere is obviously tension from a magical attack going on here, but the wording is vague enough that I don’t have any real picture as to what’s going on. The first sentence feels sort of long and “frission” confused me more than intrigued me.
ReplyDeleteNice descriptions but a bit wordy. Stretch the information out and I'd keep going. I like the mystical magical approach.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! I'm totally into the magical aspect of things, though, so that might be tainting me. I liked the wind making him hunch as if he were expecting a blow, like it's happened before. Nice!
ReplyDelete