I agree with Jeannie. If something has to be explained to the reader it needs work. Although, maybe you clarify that it's beer in the next sentence or two.
In any case, this doesn't hook me but it doesn't sound like a genre I would normally read either.
Hmmm... not so sure. Before I read the little under note the sentence actually made more sense. I pictured a cat wanting to escape. Now I'm guessing a person wanting to get drunk, and I'm just not thrilled.
I'm glad you included an undernote, because the thought of sniffing a cat just didn't seem all that attractive to me.... Have you considered just calling the beer a beer at this point and giving it an identity later?
Also, the word "badly" at the end of the first sentence jarred me, but that may be because I've been pounded on so often about adverbs. (Hey, if **I** don't get to use them, **you** don't get to use them, especially in the first sentence. ;-) )
I'd read on, though. I'm intrigued enough to want to know what's up.
I'm not a bit fan of anthropomorphizing inanimate objects, so the bit about the beer didn't work for me. Likewise, MANY stories start off with the protagonist intentionally getting drunk to escape their problems, so it's not a very unique concept used here, I'm afraid.
Not terribly fond of the first sentence, though I like the immediate threat. The Black Cat in the second sentence grabs my attention more though. As soon as I saw your note as to what The Black Cat is though, my attention waned. The character is in a bar, likely, and an inanimate object thinks he needs an escape, which means it’s an escape from something internal, like a memory. Which means I missed the action. Sad.
Oh dear, I was worried until I saw the note about the BC being a beer. My concern...if you needed to clarify it, maybe you should just put BC beer in the first sentence. :-)
I'd like to know why the beer has a thought on the person needing to escape. I guess things are just a bit too confusing at the moment. I'm not sure what genre this is...on one hand you have someone drinking to escape, and the other you have a thinking beer..fantasy, what?
*amused* Thanks for the clarification. :)
ReplyDeleteSorry... I'm not hooked.
I liked it, but I'd change "wafting" to "wafted" or otherwise change the semicolon to a comma.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on!
Not quite sure what's going on. I don't think I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI think if a clarification needs to be made to understand the first two sentences, it probably needs to be reworked. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jeannie. If something has to be explained to the reader it needs work. Although, maybe you clarify that it's beer in the next sentence or two.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, this doesn't hook me but it doesn't sound like a genre I would normally read either.
Hmmm... not so sure. Before I read the little under note the sentence actually made more sense. I pictured a cat wanting to escape. Now I'm guessing a person wanting to get drunk, and I'm just not thrilled.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you included an undernote, because the thought of sniffing a cat just didn't seem all that attractive to me.... Have you considered just calling the beer a beer at this point and giving it an identity later?
ReplyDeleteAlso, the word "badly" at the end of the first sentence jarred me, but that may be because I've been pounded on so often about adverbs. (Hey, if **I** don't get to use them, **you** don't get to use them, especially in the first sentence. ;-) )
I'd read on, though. I'm intrigued enough to want to know what's up.
It's too vague for me. All I know is that the MC is going for a drink.
ReplyDeleteI'd pass.
I'm not a bit fan of anthropomorphizing inanimate objects, so the bit about the beer didn't work for me. Likewise, MANY stories start off with the protagonist intentionally getting drunk to escape their problems, so it's not a very unique concept used here, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I'm not into stories that start with drowning sorrows in boos.
ReplyDeleteNot terribly fond of the first sentence, though I like the immediate threat. The Black Cat in the second sentence grabs my attention more though. As soon as I saw your note as to what The Black Cat is though, my attention waned. The character is in a bar, likely, and an inanimate object thinks he needs an escape, which means it’s an escape from something internal, like a memory. Which means I missed the action. Sad.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, I was worried until I saw the note about the BC being a beer. My concern...if you needed to clarify it, maybe you should just put BC beer in the first sentence. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know why the beer has a thought on the person needing to escape. I guess things are just a bit too confusing at the moment. I'm not sure what genre this is...on one hand you have someone drinking to escape, and the other you have a thinking beer..fantasy, what?
ReplyDelete