Sorry, I'm envisioning Vaeria in a physical fight with her eyelids. And better to fight with her own eyelids than someone elses. ;) What are they doing that she's fighting? Even so, the images from last night sound more interesting than her eyelids. I'd look to start there.
I understand what these lines suggest but I have to agree with the others. People don't typically fight their eyelids directly and eyelids aren't plastered with images. You just need to reword perhaps.
Is she sleeping? Trying NOT to? Dreaming? I'm not sure, and they aren't the right questions I need to ask to keep reading.
This is "telling" me when you could show it better. I'd rework this -- start with some of those images, maybe, something that crashes us right into what she's feeling. Valeria isn't fighting her eyelids, she's fighting the memories, the feelings. Show us those.
Eyelids don't see... why is she fighting them? Are you trying to say that she's fighting memories? Stuff that she saw and wants to forget? Delete and start over, I'd say.
I think I understand what you're trying to say here -- she's trying to keep her eyes open, maybe? -- but I had enormous trouble getting around the image of her facing off over epees with her own eyelids. At that point, the images dancing before my mind's eye had my attention, instead of whatever Valeria saw on her eyelids.
However, I wholeheartedly support unusual imagery, and I have absolutely no room to criticize someone else's (considering my F2S are getting ripped for a bit of bizarre imagery that seems to work for a grand total of one person: me LOL). Keep at this! :-)
I go back and forth- sometimes I feel like the image is odd, and other times I think it's a neat twist on an old way of expressing these things. I do think that you have to be careful about opening your novel with the character waking up, I've heard that doesn't go over well with agents and publishers.
I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say about fighting eyelids. Fighting them from closing? The second sentence intrigues me and I might read on to see if the next part gets me hooked.
As I see it, she's waking up after a heavy night, and is still half asleep. She's battling to open her eyes. In the meantime, the memories from last night are coming back to her.
Ah! She's fighting closing her eyelids (she's been up all night) which is quite clear by sentence 3.
These are unedited sentences from a new WIP, BTW.
Perhaps I should have added "drooping" before eyelids for the purposes of the 2-sentence review. ;)
And Jeannie, I do show those images. Immediately. These are short simple sentences. I could have combined them into one to pull the image sentence into second place, I suppose.
Sorry, I'm envisioning Vaeria in a physical fight with her eyelids. And better to fight with her own eyelids than someone elses. ;) What are they doing that she's fighting? Even so, the images from last night sound more interesting than her eyelids. I'd look to start there.
ReplyDeleteHow do you fight you own eyelids?
ReplyDeleteAnd don't you usually see images with your eyes, instead of the lids... ?
Um, what they said. I'm not feeling this one.
ReplyDeleteI understand what these lines suggest but I have to agree with the others. People don't typically fight their eyelids directly and eyelids aren't plastered with images. You just need to reword perhaps.
ReplyDeleteIs she sleeping? Trying NOT to? Dreaming? I'm not sure, and they aren't the right questions I need to ask to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis is "telling" me when you could show it better. I'd rework this -- start with some of those images, maybe, something that crashes us right into what she's feeling. Valeria isn't fighting her eyelids, she's fighting the memories, the feelings. Show us those.
A bit confusing. I agree with the others about the fighting with her eyelids.
ReplyDeleteAlso not a huge fan of the passive second sentence. If you want to keep the fighting thing, try this:
Valeria Cruz fought her own eyelids plastered with images
from last night.
The imagery isn't working for me.
ReplyDeleteEyelids don't see... why is she fighting them? Are you trying to say that she's fighting memories? Stuff that she saw and wants to forget? Delete and start over, I'd say.
ReplyDeleteI think a flashback is coming next and I've been told that isn't the most effective way to draw a reader in.
ReplyDeleteFinding the right place to begin is so hard for me too. I'm sure you'll find it though!
I think I understand what you're trying to say here -- she's trying to keep her eyes open, maybe? -- but I had enormous trouble getting around the image of her facing off over epees with her own eyelids. At that point, the images dancing before my mind's eye had my attention, instead of whatever Valeria saw on her eyelids.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I wholeheartedly support unusual imagery, and I have absolutely no room to criticize someone else's (considering my F2S are getting ripped for a bit of bizarre imagery that seems to work for a grand total of one person: me LOL). Keep at this! :-)
The metaphor didn't work for me. She might fight her feelings or her mind or her psyche, but fighting eyelids was a bit of a stretch.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked.
I go back and forth- sometimes I feel like the image is odd, and other times I think it's a neat twist on an old way of expressing these things. I do think that you have to be careful about opening your novel with the character waking up, I've heard that doesn't go over well with agents and publishers.
ReplyDeleteDitto on the fighting the eyelids thing. It's also a bit passive, so it's hard to get any tension out of the opening.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite sure what you're trying to say about fighting eyelids. Fighting them from closing? The second sentence intrigues me and I might read on to see if the next part gets me hooked.
ReplyDeleteAs I see it, she's waking up after a heavy night, and is still half asleep. She's battling to open her eyes. In the meantime, the memories from last night are coming back to her.
ReplyDeleteAm I right?
Even if I'm wrong, I'm hooked
Umm… not sure about the phrasing, but “plastered from images from last night” definitely gets my attention.
ReplyDeleteAh! She's fighting closing her eyelids (she's been up all night) which is quite clear by sentence 3.
ReplyDeleteThese are unedited sentences from a new WIP, BTW.
Perhaps I should have added "drooping" before eyelids for the purposes of the 2-sentence review. ;)
And Jeannie, I do show those images. Immediately. These are short simple sentences. I could have combined them into one to pull the image sentence into second place, I suppose.
Anyway, thanks, everyone!
Man, I fight heavy eyelids all the time. Here I thought that was common. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHooked!