You know exactly what I'm talking about -- the purple prose that you swore was the most beautiful thing to hit the blank page. Until someone else read it and spat out his coffee. Or you approached an editing session with an unusually clear mind.
You all have them. And I'll bet a lot of them still exist in dusty first drafts tucked away somewhere.
Dig 'em out. Stick 'em in the comment box.
Because I've got Christmas Things to do and can't afford the time to do an in-house crit. So let's make each other laugh instead.
Or maybe we'll make each other FEEL BETTER instead. As in, wow -- you mean OTHER people write cloying, unintelligible schlock, too??
Of course, I have Mr. Authoress to thank. He is merciless when it comes to Authoress's Profoundly Bad Sentences. I have to listen to him recite them again and again. And again.
Have at it. Mine will be first. It's Mr. Authoress's all-time favorite.
Miss Snark's First Victim
"Strange, for silence so long unbroken to be disturbed twice in succession."
ReplyDeleteEvery bad sentence I've written, has been rewritten
ReplyDeleteI'll play. My critique group pointed out this "wtf" worst sentence (almost others), but this is the one that I was convinced was okay (dare I say good)....
ReplyDeleteIn the heart of the day, the flat desert plains of Arizona was accompanied by an ever shape-shifting heat haze that played tricks on the eyes and mind, but those mirages promising to fill your deepest desire seemed less magical at night, almost if though the magic has been stored away in the ground for another day.
Okay, I've had a few say that this sentence isn't exactly great. Should I be embarrassed to say, I still like it. (blushes)
ReplyDeleteNew York was muggy in the depths of summer, but in November the air surrendered its moisture to the snow that coated the city.
This one got by a lot of people, though I'm convinced they couldn't bring themselves to say anything.
ReplyDelete"She tasted salt, mint, and emptiness."
It was a serene June early afternoon.
ReplyDeleteHere's the over the top opening paragraph from a (understandingly never published) short story of mine. The rest of the story proceeds in like fashion... including the overwhelming number of "was".
ReplyDeleteLepidoptera, beloved daughter of Zeus by a wood nymph, was considered to be the most beautiful creature ever created. She was claimed to be even more beautiful than Aphrodite, the Goddess of Beauty herself. Though Aphrodite's hair was golden as the sun, in contrast Lepidoptera's was as black as a raven's wings against the night sky. Lepidoptera’s deep blue eyes would leave a man entranced, and her slim figure attracted men of all ages. They would travel from as far as the Kingdom of Geryon to stay in the city of Troy and witness her legendary beauty.
I don't so much write bad sentences as truly awful, heinous, vile passages, chapters, and sometimes even entire stories that wander hither and yon without ever bothering to make a discernible point. (Sort of like the foregoing sentence, as a matter of fact.) I hate it when that happens.
ReplyDeleteHere's an example of "let's see how much unnecessary description and activity we can include in one sentence":
"Enter!" he called out, removing the spectacles he used to read and placing them atop the thick book that lay open upon his desk; standing as a tall, dark-haired officer stepped into the room.
**cringing** Jeez. That thing is bad on so many levels....
LOL! You've got me digging through some old word documents of mine and I am reeling from all the formatting errors. What the heck was I thinking?
ReplyDeleteHere's one:
“YEAH?! WELL WHAT DOES HE WANT US TO DO ABOUT IT?! …… ITS 9 O’CLOCK NOW! NOT ONLY HAS THE PAPER ALREADY GONE OUT, IT’S ALREADY BEEN READ, RE-READ AND PROBABLY USED AS WRAPPING PAPER BY NOW!!!” The man slams the phone down and hollers to someone across the room, “HEY RALPH! SCHULTZ IS AT IT AGAIN!!”
I count at least five or six no-nos. *is thoroughly embarassed*
It is sharp enough to pierce skin, to bite to the veins and release a color that it is not, which is the color of rubies in the darkness in the car and the light of her blue eyes lowered to the velvet box as she opens it and gasps.
ReplyDelete*groans inwardly*
Here's one . . . it was an innocent mistake, but my beta reader (aka Mom) won't let me forget it:
ReplyDelete"We are different," Leigh said, stirring hamburger and onion in a skittle. "I needed Parnak and the lessons I learned there. The books chose Knowan and its lessons for you."
Yeah, I WAS eating Skittles at the time.
I still like this,(Giggles) but other writers ask, what the?
ReplyDeleteMolly scrunched up her face like a rotten potato. "I am not a Mucky Molly."
A character in one book was called ‘Holly’ in the first draft and between that draft and the first edit, I did a global search and replace, changing ‘Holly’ for ‘Maria.’
ReplyDeleteAlas then, that I was taken by the phrase ‘Robert fell into the Maria bush and was held fast by the sharp spines, unable to move for fear of the many pricks surrounding him.”
Leatherdykeuk, I laughed out loud at your sentence. Maybe it's due to one of those notorious small differences between British English and American English, but both "Maria bush" and Robert's unfortunate position among a bunch of pricks tickled me. :-D
ReplyDeleteI can't believe I'm going to post this.
ReplyDeleteThe Christmas lights laced the edges of her perceptions like lace on a Valentine.
*facepalm*
I just LOVE the humility and transparency going on here!
ReplyDeleteY'all are great. :)
And I feel SO much better about my own Really Bad Sentences now.
Thanks!
disorderly, prick means the same thing here too. That sentence has whole new meaning with the word Maria. I loved it. LOL
ReplyDelete