I cracked open the window. A brisk morning breeze hit my face. Brr. I glanced over my shoulder, listening. It was now or never. Escape or die trying.
After a hard push, the window stood wide open. I tossed my heavy bag into the air and listened for the thud. I hiked up my long skirt and stuck one leg out the window, searching for the drain pipe. Goosebumps popped out on my leg.
“Hey, watcha doing?” a sleepy voice asked.
Grr. My brother is four years younger than me and the world’s biggest tattletale.
I jerked back inside, biting my lip as my shin scraped across the window sill. I blocked my escape route. “Mikey, it’s early. Go back to bed.”
He rubbed his eyes and peered around me. “But the sun is up.”
“I’m checking the weather. Now, shoo.” I waved my hands. He left.
I shut my door and climbed out the window. The drain pipe creaked under my feet. I crawled over the roof of our sunroom and slid over the edge, hanging from the gutter. My feet hit the soft ground, and I rolled. Smells of breakfast cooking for the first day of school drifted past. My stomach growled. French toast is overrated.
My pack lay in the hedge outside my window. I grabbed it and hid in the shadow of a big pine tree. I pulled out the make-up bag Aunt Jules smuggled into my underwear drawer on her last visit.
I'd read on. I want to know why she's running away on the first day of school.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a good start- the setting, conflict, and the character are well set even in the first page. I would like to see her brother address her by name, though, just so readers know what to call her. This would definitely make me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI don't read MG, but I liked this.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
The title didn’t grab me, but the first paragraph did. I was excited for a ‘do or die’ escape. I got a little confused and let down as I went on though… it’s obviously a young teen or tween, in a home of Amish persuasion or something similar (what with the long skirt and smuggled make-up.) I’d read on to see why she wanted to get away or where she thought she was going. But it lost the exciting escape flavor after the first scene for me.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know the stakes here sooner. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why she would escape, bag in hand, in a skirt. It isn't until the end we see she's sneaking out for the first day of school. I like her thoughts tho, and would read on to find out what the situation is.
ReplyDeleteCute opening for a great book title. Makes me want to read on for sure.
ReplyDeleteGood writing and interesting character. Are birthdays really that bad?
I liked this, but some images were confusing. At first, I thought she shared the room with her brother and her throwing the window open woke him. Also, can't he see that she's climbing back in the window?
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, despite my belief that french toast is so not overrated.
Good catch, Charlie V, on the amish angle. I didn't get that.
I LOVE your title - it's the kind of title that would make me pick up the book and read the back cover.
ReplyDeleteI really like your character's voice and the kid brother's response to "It's early ..." I'm hooked - I want to know why she's running away.
The only thing I'd fixed is adding a sentence to give us a hint as to why it's "Escape or die trying." Is it a boy? An ugly step-mother? Private school?
Thanks so much for the feedback so far! It has showed me where I've needed to add some detail. It's not amish. :)
ReplyDeleteThe escape or dying was an exagerration that obviously didn't come across the right way. Sorry, I didn't mean to mislead. It has been fixed.
You guys are awesome!!
I love the tittle. I would read on to find out why she's climbing out the window. You haven't mentioned her name though. Maybe mention this in the first page somehow.
ReplyDeleteI could picture this happening because I did it myself when I was a child.
I loved it.
This sounded more ominous than I think you intended. It didn't really grab me. It's some good imagery in there but the story doesn't stand up for me.
ReplyDeleteThe conflict is intriguing, but the voice doesn't grab me. Brr and grr were too close together; there were several simple sentences that were rather short and choppy--it's a stylistic thing, entirely my own opinion, but the writing itself on a voice/style level didn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteALTHOUGH, in reading through the comments, if it is Amish, that would intrigue me much more.
Yet another that I'm a bit too familiar with to be all that objective...but I love what you've done. Good work. I did get a little confused between the "My stomach growled. French toast is overrated" part because these seem a bit contradictory. I can't wait to see a revision as far as her plan for the makeup bag!
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to see why she's escaping. but I'm not totally hooked yet. It could use some tightening and clarifications mentioned by others. Then it will be a good start.
ReplyDeleteHmm...I'm not thrilled with it. I found the change from present tense to past and back again jarring. I agree with someone else that the sentences were short and a little choppy. Sorry. :( I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteSorta...
ReplyDeleteMight want to tweak it a little. Some of your sentences are a bit choppy, and it really hurts the voice.
I like it, but I don't think the first paragraph matches the more lighthearted tone of the rest.
ReplyDeleteStrong voice, and I like the detail about Aunt Jules smuggling makeup into her underwear drawer.
The makeup smuggled into the underwear hooked me.
ReplyDeletethe sounds "brr" and "grr" I could do without.
Sentence variation, I think, would move this from good, to great.
Doesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause it gives no indication, not even a hint, as to why this person is sneaking out, possibly running away. There is action, but no sense of the conflict. Just doesn’t hook me…
On the fence again.
ReplyDeleteNeeds work, but I'd read on a little.
And I didn't really think "life or death" was for real. I figured, teenager exaggerations.
I'd like to see it edited. :)
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI sure want to find out why she's sneaking out on the first day of school.
"My stomach growled. French toast is overrated." I think I want to hear something that makes us think MC--for a brief second--thinks of staying for the homey french toast, but then talks herself out of it. "I smelled breakfast. I could picture the real maple syrup dripping off the sides of golden triangles. Oh well. French toast is overrated." Something like that.
A little inner conflict with the outer conflict makes me pay more attention.
Love the interaction with the little brother.
Thanks Mermensing. Good idea.
ReplyDeleteGood start with conflict right off the bat. At first, though, I thought this was a historical piece (ex: long skirt). Maybe clear up what timeframe this is taking place in closer to the start. But I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteYour title sounds like a contemporary short story, which is confusing because this is presumably going to be a full-length novel - and from the 'long skirt' I'm guessing it actually ISN'T contemporary? Why does she feel very hungry, but then think French toast overrated? I'm intrigued by her need to escape - which is great! - but as you can see, I'm not picking up a straightforward message from your opening and that's stopping me engaging as much as I want to.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Makes me wonder where the heck she's going.
ReplyDeleteThe long skirt threw me. Also, I thought the brother was calling from his bed and not her bedroom door. A teensy bit more scene setting would help clear that up.
I can't make up my mind about this one. The situation is intriguing, but I'm having a hard time getting a good sense of the MC - maybe a hint of why she's escaping would help.
ReplyDeleteI got from the hunger/french toast comment that she's hungry but trying to convince herself that she wouldn't want the french toast.
ReplyDeleteAm I right?
Yes, Sarah you are right. Yah, someone got it. No one seemed to get that she was talking herself out of it. The sarcasm was not obvious enough I guess. I've worked on that. It's been super feedback.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyable, the little brother left too easily. I would read a few more pages
ReplyDeleteWhat a great way to stark a book - with a kid sneaking out the window! Fun.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit curious why the MC is leaving the house before breakfast on the first day of school. But you'll have to come up with a reason pretty fast to hook me.
ReplyDeleteI like the MC's anguish at the little brother's arrival, but would s/he be able to convince the kid so easily to leave?
This confused me: "My stomach growled. French toast is overrated." Is the MC hungry but not interested in French toast?
Not sure this is MG, but definitely starts with action. That said, not hooked.
ReplyDelete