TITLE: Stop the Presses
GENRE: YA mystery/suspense
Lottie Griffin didn't look like a goal post.
At least, she'd never thought she looked like a goal post, but a cute
guy cradling a football was barreling toward her anyway.
That was her last thought before they collided. He slammed into her
and she landed in the grass with a heavy, unladylike grunt.
When she opened her eyes, she was staring into a pair of the most
beautiful baby blues she'd ever seen.
"Touchdown?" she asked weakly. The boy attached to the blue eyes grinned.
"Tell me you're OK," he said. He picked himself off the ground and
extended her a hand.
He had a delicious Southern accent. Lottie couldn't help smiling at
him as he pulled her up.
Then she remembered why she'd been running in the first place. "I have
to go," she said, grabbed her bag from the ground, and took off
without a backward glance. She thought she heard one of the guys call
something after her, but she didn't have time to stop.
The Sentinel office looked so much closer on the campus map. Lottie
had an interview for a spot on staff of Grayton University's student
newspaper and she was already late.
Her dress clung to her back in the sweltering Georgia morning. She
glanced at herself in a window as she half-ran past the library, and
immediately wished she hadn't. Her hair, dark and curly anyway, was
rapidly reaching Diana Ross-like proportions in the sticky heat. She
was sure there was a grass stain on her butt.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow! I loved this right off the bat! Reminds me of high school.
ReplyDeleteI loved the first sentence! This is in my top 5 favorites!
Good luck!
Good action and description.
ReplyDeleteI like the excerpt, but if it's a mystery, I'd write a new opening and save this part for later on. The "meets cute," while charming, seems like a romance/romantic comedy to me.
Hooked--great job with this one.
ReplyDeleteNice writing and story intro. It's clear this is on the older side of YA. Sounds like Lottie is fresh out of high school and headed for an interesting journalistic adventure.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on for sure.
Very nice. I loved the opening sentence, too.
ReplyDeleteSmall thing: I can see her standing there, frozen, but why didn't the guy see her? If he's holding the ball, his focus is probably forward, and he would avoid hitting her. I mean, that's what players with the ball do, swerve around to avoid people. I think this would make more sense if he was a receiver looking back for the ball.
I would read more, though. Good writing.
Liked it but a little confused. Why did he run into her? Secondly:
ReplyDelete"Then she remembered why she'd been running in the first place."
You don't show us that she's running. I got the impression she was standing there watching him barrel toward her. If she can tell he's cute and is thinking about not being a goal post then I don't get the impression she is frantically running to get somewhere.
Love the rest. Especially last paragraph.
I really liked the beginning of this, but then you lost me.
ReplyDeleteThe goal-post image made me think she was standing still. Once I found out she was running, this didn't make sense. If she was running, and then stopped to stare at the boy before he crashed into her, you need to show us why.
The second to last paragraph is an info-dump. I'd cut and just reveal she's headed to an interview after she gets there. We can tell she's late for something important by what you've shown in the next paragraph; you don't have to tell us exactly what it is yet.
Not sure if the Diana Ross reference will work for this age group.
I love the voice, but agree with the others who stated they thought she was standing still. If she was running and he was running then why couldn't they avoid each other?
ReplyDeleteMaybe if she were tying her shoe and looked up to see him catching the football just as he barrelled down on her...I don't know.
I like this beginning if the cute football player is a key part of the mystery/suspence, and I think a mystery is just enhanced by a bit of romance.
I'm conflicted on this one. On one hand, I love the humor of your opening lines. On the other, the idea that a girl who sees a football players charging right at her would have a thought like "I don't look like a goal post" doesn't ring true to me. It seems more like something someone would say after the collision when they're trying to be cute. Dunno.
ReplyDeleteOther than that (and the issue with running that others have mentioned) this sounds promising. I'd keep reading. Good luck!
I'd read more. Does sound more like a romance than a mystery/suspense. Great writing, though.
ReplyDeleteSo...why did the guy hit her? I'm with Sheila--that part needs work.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise, thought, and I'd read more.
Not really my drama, but I'm hooked. A few things...players don't run at the goal post! And I don't like the name Lottie. It just bothers me. But those are minor quibbles, this was better than expected.
ReplyDeleteMy great-grandma's name was Lottie. It isn't something you see all that often with kids today.... or maybe they go by the name Lottie when their little, and switch to Carly as they get older... I'm just saying that was my first thought.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is that wouldn't the guy be running for the N-Zone?
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Then she remembered why she'd been running in the first place. <- I thought she was standing and having a guy run right at her?
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I'm just having a tough time picturing the scene... at first I thought she was running around on the field, which is why she got in the way. But then she's running around the campus (now I'm picturing parking lots).
Might need to make that clearer.
The first line grabbed my attention as I scanned the 51 posts. Great first line! Good, strong setting too. The descriptions of the guy felt cliched. You've heard the confusions already, I'm sure you'll be able to clear those up. Good job. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. Might be a fun story. MC has a good voice. However, I didn't get the feeling she was running at the start. I pictured her standing there as the football player ran at her. Then she continues running- didn't quite work.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. Great movement and pace. I love how the MC says "touchdown". Too cute.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about the name Lottie though. Kind of old.
Love the opening - a very effective encounter, which presumably is going to trigger a subsequent romance? But your penultimate paragraph feels a bit 'tell not show' and broke into my enjoyment; I think you could afford to leave this info until she actually arrives at the building. Quite a nice voice shaping up here.
ReplyDeleteI really like this voice. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI was surprised to find she'd been running.
And her description of herself and her dress sticking to her back, was not the strongest part of the writing. But I would definitely read on. I love the voice and in just this short space you've made me like your character and the guy with the baby blues.
I really enjoyed this opening.
ReplyDeleteOn a second read through, it didn't really seem plausible... didn't get why the guy didn't see her. Maybe it would work better if he was running to receive a pass and therefore running backwards?? I'm not sure.
Enjoyed the voice. Would definitely read on.
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ReplyDeleteI asked the same questions as the others. And yeah, players run toward the end-zone or red-zone, not the goal post. Although i like the line. It makes sense she'd think that if she doesn't know football though, so that didn't bother me.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'd have him running to catch the ball, back toward her.
Maybe she can stop in shock or something. Either she's running or not, but it needs to be clearer.
That being said, I'm hooked. Prob in my top 5 too.
Great job.
Like the title… Stop The Presses fits I think. Anyway, I’m not going to comment here because you’ll already get my thoughts elsewhere. I like the new opening in any case…
ReplyDeleteI liked the writing and the quick exchange with blue eyes. Like others, I didn't think she had been running, so that later part confused me.
ReplyDeleteNice writing!
I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteThen I almost got unhooked with the running and goal post and all that stuff that's already been discussed. But I still like the first line a lot. Maybe she'll have to be a "right tackle" instead of a goal post.
If the boy who runs into her is going to be important later, then I think the exchange has to be a little deeper. If not, perhaps his baby blues shouldn't be the "most" beautiful she's ever seen.
Great voice!
I'd keep reading on a bit, but it seems a bit all over the place. There's no sense of her urgency really before the football player slams into her. I think that distraction would work better if we got some of that "I'm late! I'm late!" before the encounter.
ReplyDeleteI loved this, but it was a little telling instead of showing. I'm hooked though. I love the characters.
ReplyDeleteYou do have a great opening line! I like your characters, and I want to know what happens next. I am hooked!
ReplyDeleteLoved the opening line. Would like to see more senses involved.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the beginning. My only nitpick is that I pictured the MC standing as still as a goalpost, not running somewhere. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI've read this before, so I'm going to pass on commenting. Sounds good, though.
ReplyDeleteLoved the first and last lines and pretty much everything in between. I'd read on. Not wild about the title tho.
ReplyDelete