GENRE: YA Supernatural Romance
It was hot. Oven hot. Baking, searing, scorching hot. Even the wind was hot, threatening to evaporate the meat right off my bones. Welcome to October in Phoenix. It was late October and still over 100 degrees.
“Here we are, Kitty.” Daddy pulled into a driveway.
I hated being called Kitty. Few people got away with it. I’d been Kat since the fourth grade. I liked Kathryn even less.
Opening my eyes, I blinked in confusion. This was not the little house in North Tempe where I spent the first four years of my life, then part of every summer and alternate holidays after the divorce. This house was shiny and new, with the same beige stucco walls and terracotta roof as every other house on the block. Instead of the familiar yard of grass and a mulberry tree, the tree planted when I was born, there was a palm tree and a yard of rocks.
It was a cookie cutter house, in a cookie cutter neighborhood, in the kind of development that had a cheesy name and a homeowners association that prevented you from painting your house pink. No doubt, the occupants were as devoid of character as their houses. Boring.
“Where are we?” I was still groggy. Daddy had slipped me more pain meds for the drive from the Burbank hospital where I had spent most of the month recuperating from the horrific four-car pileup that had taken my mom away from me.
"Surprise."
I usually don't like narration in the first paragraphs, but this works.
ReplyDeleteIt also leaves us with a few questions, which is great, since it makes us want to read more.
Good Job!
I like this one. There are places that can be tightened, but there is enough conflict right away, and enough personality in the voice that I want to know more about her story and the accident. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI liked it, too. I thought it was funny that she bristles at Kitty, but still calls her Dad "Daddy."
ReplyDeleteI thought it odd that she wouldn't recognize that she was going somewhere new, but then the pain meds explained that.
I'd read more.
YA supernatural Romance. You've got my attention.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning can be pared down. Yes, we get the idea it's hot. Don't over do it.
Eh...does anything actually happen? You've spent all this time setting up the scene but nothing happens. I would probably give you only a few more pages to see where it's going. Okay, maybe a few more than that since I like romance, but the blurb better excite me.
I like the voice. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, so kudos for that!
ReplyDeleteBut I'd definitely lose the first paragraph, which doesn't fit with the rest. Or move it later in the story.
You seem to be using 1st person POV. The narrator tells us she's asleep, groggy, confused, on pain meds. That does not jibe with the fact that she starts out knowing that it's late October, it's Phoenix, it's over 100 degrees.
I'd read on. I want to know how the girl adjusts to so many changes. Does she like her "surprise"? Good description of Arizona neighborhoods.
ReplyDeleteThe over use of the word hot.. turned me off.. and wordiness of some of the sentences like this one.
ReplyDeleteThis was not the little house in North Tempe where I spent the first four years of my life, then part of every summer and alternate holidays after the divorce.
Nice voice in the piece.
I wasn't hooked until I got to the line about the pain meds. Bingo!
ReplyDeleteBut you know what? I would hold off on that info dump about the 4-car pile-up that killed the protag's mother. I found myself wincing, as in, oh, don't tell me this yet. Make me wait for it!
Maybe a bit more showing and a bit less telling. Crisper language and perhaps a bit more dialogue could make this crackle.
I love the tone and voice of this. It caught my eye because of those two things. I already have the image of Kat in my mind based on the opening lines.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you give us a lot of information without overwhelming us in a small space. And I think you tease us with the details of the accident that it would make me want to read more!
I think this can use a bit of tightening--it wandered just a touch too much before getting to the pain meds. The last line in the first para is a it redundant, so I'd lose that.
ReplyDeleteI think this is well written and a good voice for the most part, but a few language choices like 'cookie cutter' I think could use some freshening. Just MO, of course.
The revelation about mom seems to come out all BAM, dead mom. Again, only my thoughts here, but I'd rather have this come out a bit smoother with a lead up.
I realize this might be a voice thing tho, but I thought I'd just mention it.
Thanks for sharing & best of luck!
Great descriptions. But, my first thought after finishing the page, was I wished it had started with letting me know she was recovering from an accident. That drew me into her plight … not the fact that it was hot, a new house or that her parents were divorced.
ReplyDeleteAh, I've seen Interfluit over at OWW. Maybe it's not fair that I know more about what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI like how the author throws me right into Kitty's mind and experience. The sentient and environmental details give me a clear sense of what's she's going through at that moment.
The narrative word choice also fits Kitty's 'voice' and I always appreciate this kind of continuity from thought to dialog to narrative.
I like the voice and I like the description of the heat in the first paragraph, but I think the rest could use some tightening. For instance, you don't need to repeat October two sentences in a row.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think the character's thoughts might be too lucid for someone who is supposed to be groggy from pain meds. Try to show her confusion and grogginess through her actions and thoughts instead of just telling us she feels this way.
I liked this one too--especially the surprise of the pain meds. It leaves me wondering about the MC. And I love the name Kat.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't totally hooked until I found out she was on pain meds and recovering from the fatal accident. Could the part about pain meds (maybe not about the accident) be worked in sooner? It makes her slightly rambling thoughts earlier make sense.
ReplyDeleteI've been told not to start with a weather report, but being from Tucson, I totally fell for this. Don't forget the glare. From an airconditioned car, the glare makes the biggest impression.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you've quite captured her here. I'm not convinced she's groggy. Her impressions are too lucid. Close though. Find out what emotions she's feeling and write from there.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing title.
I like the opening, though it could be trimmed a bit.
"I blinked in confusion" could be replaced with physical sensations and her trouble focusing.
I think the dead mom part came too fast. I want to see her wrestle with the reality of her situation before it's spelled out to us.
A little tightening, and this will be a very effective intro.
I think this could use a little editing....
ReplyDeleteOne thing is she has a good eye for detailed description for somebody who is groggy.
Could show she's groggy throughout, or leave it off entirely so she's more alert.
I loved it, but it needs a little tightening. I also think the part about the mother dying came too fast.
ReplyDeleteI'd definately read on.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteA) I like that it's paranormal YA romance. I've not seen many of them (not counting Twilight)
B) I think you have the teen voice well done
C) I'm interested in why she was in the hospital
That said, if the paranormal part of this ms. = vampires, I'm out. I'm sick to death of vampires. But as long as that's not the case, I'd be hooked for this one.
Not crazy about the heat beginning - generally I dislike descriptions of the weather. I'd prefer something more showing, like sweat beading on her back or something like that. I also find her thought processes a bit clear for someone who is supposed to be groggy. That being said, the pain meds grabbed me, and the idea that she's being surprised.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Great imagery -- loved the yard of rocks. The only thing that stopped me was this: “Opening my eyes, I blinked in confusion.” I didn’t realize she was asleep or had her eyes closed, so I thought I missed something. I agree with Aspiring Writer, it doesn’t jibe with the opening.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read more.
I’m on the fence…
ReplyDeleteBecause you’ve got one really great thing and one not so good thing. What’s great is the voice and presence your narrator/MC has… What’s not so good is the vast amounts of info dump you’ve got here. Some of it’s necessary, I recognize, but there seems to be too much. So I’m pulled in two directions… great voice yanks my right arm and info dump tugs my left. I’d prolly read a bit more just to see where its going on the basis of the voice.
Didn't intrigue me. The voice sounds like a teenager, but for me, there was too much backstory.
ReplyDeleteI, too, hate my given name, but I also dislike girls who try to find a more masculine nickname. Too tomboy-ish to me.
So Kat was in a four-car accident in L.A. area; Mom died; now Dad's bringing her home to Phoenix.
Is this the right spot to begin the story? I, too, started my piece with arriving at a new house but later dumped it and began later in the story. Still have to work on it, though.
Watch out or the passive voice ("was"). Otherwise, good writing.
There's a bit too much backstory here but your MC's voice and character is strong. I also thought your imagery was good.
ReplyDeleteThe second-to-last sentence really took me out of it; it felt infodumpy and a little long.
Sorry, not hooked.
I liked it. Sounded very teenagey thinking about the heat that way. And how she described the cookie cutter neighborhood.
ReplyDeleteGood voice.
Hooked.
The last paragraph was great with subtly-woven in important details, but the rest of this was all non-plot-related description and build up, without any clear tension or plot. Get to the tension quicker, and you'll be able to hook your reader in quicker.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get into this until the line about the pain meds. Until then this sounded like yet another kid-being-moved-around opening, and a little overwritten, too. I'm thinking of the first paragraph in particular. A few well-placed descriptors would make it stand out a lot more for me than the hot repetition.
ReplyDeleteI love the part where she comments on the cookie cutter houses. Heehee.
The last paragraph is where you show how this is potentially different. I'd consider bringing that information in faster. That's what makes me want to keep reading. Good luck!
It needs to be clearer, maybe with some dialogue.
ReplyDeleteno for me
A house move! As I've said before, an awful lot of stories start with one of those; a somewhat tired device. For me, the crux of the thing comes at the end - the discovery that she's injured and lost her mom, so maybe you could cut to that particular chase a little earlier? However, I do like the depiction of the 'cookie cutter' house/development; that felt fresh.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit neutral on this one.
I liked it, but her thoughts weren't groggy. Her thoughts should be somewhat goofy sounding if she is stoned on pain meds. Trust me I worked in a pharmacy for over 11 years. 'Kitty, I don't like being called Kitty, do I? Wait this isn't my yard, Where are we? Daddy, this isn't are house.' I know not the best, but she wouldn't be thinking about cookie-cutter houses. It would be more like 'Hey, these houses all look the same.' Her moods would swing. She needs to be goofy or totally with it, not both.
ReplyDeleteThe story begins with a move into a new house. It could have been done at a different point, but hello it's natural.
Oh and the Dad I have the same problem as I had with the earlier Dad. I don't know too many that would say surprise to their teen daughter. It would be more like "Well, what do you think?" I think, and I don't mean with tjust this one, we are failing to carry through with the scene and characters. Try picturing the men in your life saying what your writing, or the teen, etc....
ReplyDeleteI dunno, the whole move thing felt a bit overdone. I liked some aspects of the voice here and the note about pain meds, and the dry sarcastic edge to the narrator's voice, but overall I can't say I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see it start somewhere a little more interesting than waking up in a car ride after a new move, I guess.
Good luck,
~Merc
My attention started to wander when the description of the house went into a second paragraph. You capture your MC's character very well. With a bit of polishing, this could be vibrant@
ReplyDeletePerfect description of Phoenix...I lived there for 15 years! I'm intriqued, but not sure the voice is quite YA yet.
ReplyDelete