TITLE: HOWEVER
GENRE: MG - CONTEMPORARY FICTION
"Neelie, we need to talk."
That was my dad, and I knew this was going to suck. I mean, I get home Friday afternoon after another fun-filled week of eighth grade to find not one but both parents waiting for me, all serious and frowny and intense? They were supposed to still be at work, not ushering me to a seat at the kitchen table, and I was supposed to be enjoying my precious alone time.
I had fought long and hard to get to stay home alone for that measly hour. I had been the totally perfect child for, like, forever, until they finally decided I was mature enough.
But no.
"Cornelia, honey... please, sit."
That was Mom, with her eyes all squinted up in a fretful I've-got-bad-news way.
I eased into my chair, my butt propped on the very edge of it.
They sat, too, and both of them rested their folded hands on the table and leaned forward. I wondered if they had rehearsed. I wondered if they were getting a divorce.
Dad cleared his throat. "Neelie, I know we promised."
Uh oh. Nobody ever said that about promises unless they were about to break one. I stared at his hands and felt my lips pressing together.
He kept going, in his special reasonable-adult voice. "I know we told you we wouldn't take in any foster children older than you."
Say what? I looked up at him then, and opened my mouth.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The end had the hook! Good job!
ReplyDeleteYeah, like it a lot. HOOKED! Love the voice.
ReplyDeleteThe MC has a fun voice so far. So I would read on to see how she handles this bad news from her parents. You did a good job setting the scene.
ReplyDeleteI wanted desperately to keep reading this.
ReplyDeleteThe build was a bit slow, but a great pay off. I'd keep reading for sure--good stuff!
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice in this. Great job.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. I liked Neelie running through the likely problems only to be sideswiped by something else. I would totally read on.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely like to read more of this. I think you did a great job with the voice. I liked the MC's name, too!
ReplyDeleteHooked. Great voice, and I did not expect a foster child to be the problem. It would be interesting to read a story about a foster child from that perspective. Seems like a unique angle.
ReplyDeleteHOOKED! Great end of the page. Totally sucked me in.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun voice. Love the MC already. Spunky and sharp. You set the stage well, introduce the characters in a great way and make us feel at home with them ... until bam, you hit us with a foster sibling. Great job.
ReplyDeleteHooked for sure. I have the same nit as somebody else's post. This sound so YA to me, not MG. I dunno, maybe I'm just channeling YA right now...either way it was fantastic. :)
ReplyDeleteThe mc's voice is mostly fun-though maybe a tad forced or overdone (obviously MHO). The problem was unexpected (I thought, Mom's pregnant? Oh, ha!) and something I'd definitely continue reading.
ReplyDeleteI like her voice. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteWell, you've launched in with a strong moment - always good. I find the 'teen voice' a bit forced - it's so difficult to get this right (and there's so much competition in this contemporary kind of area). For me, less is more when it comes to 'totally', 'like' etc. But you set up a very nice focus and intensity here - we're desperate to know the pay-off, which you neatly reach at the end.
ReplyDeleteI'm in. Not my preference, but it's strong enough that it got me pulled in. Reminded me a little of Laurie Halse Anderson.
ReplyDeleteHmm, this is great writing and the end revelation from the Dad was a real surprise to me (was expecting divorce, move to new town etc.)
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice of Cornelia, she's a winning character for sure.
Wow, interesting concept. I was all set up for a "we're moving!" scenario and was thrown for a loop when it was about foster children. I really liked that. I was on the fence about the sentence "Nobody ever said that about promises unless they were about to break one." only because I tend to struggle with stating the obvious and wonder if its talking down to the reader too much. I find things like that slip into my writing too but they ended up scraps on the editting floor. It's really up to you but I'd suggest cutting it.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked though and would certainly keep reading on!
Hooked! Great opening, great voice, and in 250 words, I know the MC and her problem. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked me…
ReplyDeleteBecause I care about Cornelia already, because there is good strong voice, and because the situation and characters and dialogue are believable. Well done. Very well done.
I really like Neelie's voice here, and it's an interesting set up. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteHooked! Love the voice!
ReplyDeleteI'm with everyone else on this one - hooked for sure!
ReplyDeleteDefinately hooked.
ReplyDeleteI love this. Great voice. I loved the hook at the end too.
ReplyDeleteI really wished there were more words to read. Very polished, well written, and suspenseful. I thought the MC sounded older than 8th grade, though.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked...love the voice.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't completely hooked, but you have an intriguing premise: foster parents and how their children respond to the new ones.
ReplyDelete