There's a nugget of something great in here: the bad karma of the old people's home (and no doubt enusuing mysteries). That's what we're interested in - which means all the stuff in the first para about Julia is a big distraction. Cut to the chase faster - and as ever, do it sparely and with impact. Don't waste your big conceptual asset!
I feel like there's something here too--I want to know what's going to happen when they all go to the retirement home the next day, but this doesn't quite grab me for an opening.
I like this, so far. I think Jordan blaming Julia sounds realistic as siblings tend to blame each other for everything. I smiled as I read and would read more.
I tend to agree with several other people that the first paragraph could go and it would tighten this up more. The bit about the karma is cute but even so, I just didn't find myself hooked. That isn't to say that the writing isn't there, it's just a personal preference. Good luck!
Doesn’t hook me… Because the first paragraph is all info dump, and the rest of it only sort of caught my interest. Honestly, the squirrel was my favorite part :) The “weird stuff” and old people and karma is sort of interesting but also very vague. He’ll be going there tomorrow, which is prolly when all the fun stuff happens, so this opener doesn’t hook me in.
I like the nursing home bit. Nursing homes are inherently creepy, and I'm interested in seeing how you use the community of old people in your story.
I think you can condense a whooole bunch. Shorter sentences make us feel "hurried" along with Jordan.
"Late again. Jordan pedaled faster. He could make the last bell. A squirrel darted near his front wheel. Jordan swerved, right in front of the front window of the retirement home." Etc.
I agree with mermensing. Cut to the action, and cut away what's not necessary. "Jordan pedaled faster. If he hurried he could be in his seat before the last bell."
Unless Julia has a major part in this story, I'd ditch this first paragraph.
I like this - the writing's good, but I'm not sure I would continue with what little I have. I need more to draw me in besides him being late for school and a nursing home. There has to be more weirdness for me.
Maybe you could simply begin with the class walking into the retirement home, and then fill in some background with Jordan's thoughts about what Shane had said--unless his repeated tardies are going to be a huge source of conflict. In that case, maybe you could start with him walking, late, into the school office. Just a thought. I know there's action here, with the bike-pedaling and squirrel-avoiding, but I don't have the sense that it's the kind of action that's moving the plot forward, I'm afraid.
This doesn't grab me right from the start. The third paragraph is where I start to get interested.
ReplyDeleteI liked the beginning just fine, until I read about the home. I'd start there. That's when it goes from okay to great.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
It was a little to boring for me.
ReplyDeleteI prefer some kind of tension or conflict expressed through dialog rather than narration.
Keep working at it! You'll get it there.
I like this and would read more. You might condense the first couple of paragraphs to get to the retirement home sooner.
ReplyDeleteThere's a nugget of something great in here: the bad karma of the old people's home (and no doubt enusuing mysteries). That's what we're interested in - which means all the stuff in the first para about Julia is a big distraction. Cut to the chase faster - and as ever, do it sparely and with impact. Don't waste your big conceptual asset!
ReplyDeleteI feel like there's something here too--I want to know what's going to happen when they all go to the retirement home the next day, but this doesn't quite grab me for an opening.
ReplyDeleteNot kicking up my personal interest that much, but seems a good fit for MG.
ReplyDeleteNot ALL MG and YA that's popular has to be fantasy.
You hooked me with:
ReplyDelete"When Shane biked with him, he insisted on crossing the street a block before the home so the old people's karma wouldn't get them.
"What's karma?" Jordan had asked.
"It's really weird stuff," was all Shane would say, pedaling so fast his legs were a blur."
I don't need to know the stuff about Julia.
I think you spent too much time in the past, telling me things that had happened instead of grabbing me with the here and now.
ReplyDeleteIf the Retirement Home is going to play a big part Why not start with him walking in for the field trip.
Not hooked. What seems to be important here is the old folks home and Karma. If it is, perhaps concentrate more on that aspect for your opening.
ReplyDeleteYou might also limit explanations (why he was late) They'll slow your story every time.
I like this, so far. I think Jordan blaming Julia sounds realistic as siblings tend to blame each other for everything. I smiled as I read and would read more.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph was good, but the backstory drug me down. It needs more oomph, more conflict, more action in the beginning, imho.
ReplyDeleteThis is good. I'm hooked. Maybe start at the second paragraph though to tighten it up a little and get right into the story.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I was not hooked. The first paragraph does not seem important. If Jordon is late because of his sister, then why is Shane late as well?
ReplyDeleteI tend to agree with several other people that the first paragraph could go and it would tighten this up more. The bit about the karma is cute but even so, I just didn't find myself hooked. That isn't to say that the writing isn't there, it's just a personal preference. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteDoesn’t hook me…
ReplyDeleteBecause the first paragraph is all info dump, and the rest of it only sort of caught my interest. Honestly, the squirrel was my favorite part :) The “weird stuff” and old people and karma is sort of interesting but also very vague. He’ll be going there tomorrow, which is prolly when all the fun stuff happens, so this opener doesn’t hook me in.
I really like Jordan's voice here, and the set up for the lesson he's going to learn during the story. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteThe narration was almost to the poing of author intrusion. Let your characters talk for you.
ReplyDeleteNo for me
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the nursing home bit. Nursing homes are inherently creepy, and I'm interested in seeing how you use the community of old people in your story.
I think you can condense a whooole bunch. Shorter sentences make us feel "hurried" along with Jordan.
"Late again. Jordan pedaled faster. He could make the last bell. A squirrel darted near his front wheel. Jordan swerved, right in front of the front window of the retirement home." Etc.
I like Jordan.
I agree with mermensing. Cut to the action, and cut away what's not necessary. "Jordan pedaled faster.
ReplyDeleteIf he hurried he could be in his seat before the last bell."
Didn't grab me. I couldn't get into the story as it was, there felt like to much set up and back story. It's a sin I'm guilty of myself.
ReplyDeleteYou had me with the mysterious old people home. But the ending lost me. Is he lone or not? Where'd Shane come from? Is Shane late too? too confusing.
ReplyDeleteUnless Julia has a major part in this story, I'd ditch this first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI like this - the writing's good, but I'm not sure I would continue with what little I have. I need more to draw me in besides him being late for school and a nursing home. There has to be more weirdness for me.
Maybe you could simply begin with the class walking into the retirement home, and then fill in some background with Jordan's thoughts about what Shane had said--unless his repeated tardies are going to be a huge source of conflict. In that case, maybe you could start with him walking, late, into the school office. Just a thought. I know there's action here, with the bike-pedaling and squirrel-avoiding, but I don't have the sense that it's the kind of action that's moving the plot forward, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteBut the "old people's karma" idea is wonderful!
Love the title, but that's it.
ReplyDeleteDidn't quite make it for me. I'd rather see this start elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteToo much backstory right up front. Why not show us how Shane had told him about the karma?