TITLE: The Dream Weavers
GENRE: YA Fantasy
In my Novel The Dream Weavers, Ella has dreams nightly of her parents, who died two years ago on her birthday. These dreams start off great, with lots of color and vivid pictures. They all turn to nightmares quickly, causing her to live through it daily. Her dreams are brought to her through a Dream Weaver. Her pain is brought to her through a Nightmare Weaver. In this chapter, she actually catches a glimpse of the creatures fighting for control of her dream. Ella has Maddie, the familiy's English Bulldog, sleep in her room to protect her.
Ella squirmed in her bed. She got brave now, knowing this had to be the cause of something terrible and took off running toward them, screaming, trying to frighten these creatures off. Two of the creatures heard her and stopped in their motions, the third one swung fiercely, striking one to the ground, then the other. Ella knew this was wrong and screamed, "No" as loud as she could, but wasn’t heard.
The motion from the creature shot sparks toward the house, catching the roof on fire. Ella had never seen this part before, or if she did, didn’t remember. The house went up into flames and again like before, her mother was swept away. Ella ran toward her, trying to reach her, getting closer than ever before and then she tripped and fell. She reached out her hand as if it would do something, to pull her mother back down, but it was just a motion. Ella screamed and was suddenly shocked when she felt something wet. It wasn’t the rain this time, this time something was actually touching her, something smelly, something was licking her.
Ella opened her eyes, to see Maddie on her bed, licking her up one side of her face and down the other. The dream was quickly forgotten and Ella let out a laugh and held Maddie tight. Maddie squirmed with the grasp, but kept trying to lick her to comfort her fears.
Ella knew Maddie wasn’t allowed on the bed, but tonight it would be there little secret and Maddie wasn’t planning on moving out of Ella’s grasp. They both fell asleep, this time in peace, well, after the grunts and burps and snorts from Maddie of course.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the idea of the outside forces affecting dreams, but I'm not sure I'm hooked here.
ReplyDelete"She got brave now, knowing this had to be the cause of something terrible and took off running toward them, screaming, trying to frighten these creatures off." I find this sentence to be quite awkward and hard to get through. Especially the first phrase.
You use some passive sentences--which in an active scene aren't effetive.
"it would be there little secret"--there should be their.
The last sentence needs work too. The voice in this sentence is quite different from the rest of the paragraphs--you get much more colloquial (well, and of course...).
I like the idea of this, but the end of the chapter doesn't draw me in.
I like the idea of two "forces" fighting for control of Ella's dreams!
ReplyDeleteThis writing needs a good dose of strong editing and tightening.
Examples:
Two of the creatures heard her and stopped in their motions, the third one swung fiercely, striking one to the ground, then the other.
The above is a run-on sentence. To write it correctly, you need to either make it into 2 sentences or change its structure, as below:
Two of the creatures heard her and stopped in their motions. The third one swung fiercely, striking one to the ground, then the other.
Now we've gotten rid of the run-on sentence, but the writing still needs to be tightened. Perhaps:
Two of the creatures heard her and stopped. The third creature swung, striking the others to the ground, one after the other.
The next sentence is also weakly constructed:
Ella knew this was wrong and screamed, "No" as loud as she could, but wasn’t heard.
Try:
"No!" Ella screamed as loudly as she could, but nobody heard her.
(You don't have to say she "knew this was wrong" because we know this as soon as she screams "No!")
The rest of the piece needs the same kind of sentence-by-sentence attention.
Keep going, be ruthless, dig in and tear it apart to make it better. This is a neat idea and I think you can really go places with it!
Thank you ladies! I am digging in now and tearing it apart!
ReplyDeleteI love the concept of dream weavers fighting to control her dreams. I also love the idea that she can see them and fight the fight for good. But I agree that the prose needs to be tightened. I'll hit up the last paragraph, since others have addressed the first ones:
ReplyDeleteElla knew Maddie wasn’t allowed on the bed, but tonight it would be there(THEIR) little secret and Maddie wasn’t planning on moving out of Ella’s grasp.
Another run-on here. And, in the last part of the sentence, it's almost like you switch POV to the dog. How does Ella know what Maddie is planning?
They both fell asleep, this time in peace, well, after the grunts and burps and snorts from Maddie of course.
Another run-on. I get what you're going for here, but I don't think you're quite there. Maybe something closer to:
They both fell into a peaceful sleep. Well, as peaceful as sleep could be with a grunting, burping, snorting Maddie in her arms.
Okay... so you can do way better than that, but more along those lines.
Okay, I like the concept, but I feel like it could be tightened considerably. Since I hate it when people tell me that (cuz I don't know what it means exactly), this is what I mean.
ReplyDeleteFor example: "The house went up into flames and again like before, her mother was swept away. Ella ran toward her, trying to reach her, getting closer than ever before and then she tripped and fell."
In an action scene like this, the shorter the better, IMO.
So that could be "tightened" to: "The house went up in flames. Like before, her mother was swept away. Ella tried to reach her. She was closer now, closer than ever--and then she fell."
Or something. I just wanted it chopped up a little with some (well, a lot) of the words removed.
Cool concept, tho.
I agree with the others here. The concept is great, and I LOVE that she is actually seeing the creatures fight over her in the dream. But yes - it does need tightening, and some of the sentences are awkward and confusing.
ReplyDeleteRemember to keep it focused on Ella. If she's dreaming and not aware of the real world, then we shouldn't see her squirming in bed in the first line. We also shouldn't read the dog's mind, or if we do, have it in a different scene. Changing viewpoints in mid-paragraph will give readers whiplash.
Still, love the concept here. With some editing, you'll have something really good.
*fascinated by the blurb*
ReplyDeleteTwo notes on reading the snippet -
This sounds like MG to me.
This is a good start, but it needs a little more edit-nudging here and there. For one thing - she's the only character, so you don't need to repeat her name so much.
You guys have been great and I take all of this in and am excited to work on it until submission. One question to MEGS or anyone: Sorry, have no idea what MG is. Can someone help my ignorance there as I can't write her back, as she has no profile. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteUnless she means Middle Grade, then duh, excuse my ignorance.
ReplyDeleteYep. As far as I know, YA is generally aimed at teens. Ella doesn't quite sound like a teen yet.
ReplyDeleteThat said - I know that there are blurred lines between MG and YA.
Yes, MG would be middle grade. And that's the way it reads too. I hope that was intentional. If it's meant for adults, then a lot of work has to be done on the tone and the level of diction.
ReplyDeleteI generally agree with the preceding comments. The text has a "this happened, then this happened, then that happened" kind of feel to it, without enough visual detail for me to understand what was happening.
Like everyone else, I think the story idea has potential, but there's a lot of line-by-line work that needs to be done.
Word verification: quill. How nice. :o)
Ending the chapter on a passive note, or with the character falling asleep, tends to make me not want to read on. Things are quiet, so I can put the book down, take a break, get a snack, etc... and I will probably forget to pick it up again.
ReplyDeleteSO here, I'm afraid I wouldn't read on. You've given me an excuse to put the book down, and go do something else. I'm afraid I have no reason to be compelled to turn the page. Sorry.
Maybe end the chapter on a more tension-y note, or with a question or surprise or twist or something that demands we turn the page and find the answers?
Good luck,
~Merc
I like the concept, but, as others have said, the mechanics of the writing needs work. Especially the sentence structure. There are a lot of run-on sentences that need to be busted up. In addition to making it more readable, this will be advantageous in this scene in that it will create more of a sense of action and urgency. Long sentences are relaxing and lazy. Short ones get directly to the point and speed up the action.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Brian, for your kind words about my blog. Flattery will get you everywhere. So as you wish, here I am to give my 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I like the idea of the creatures fighting for control of her dreams. Hope they keep out of mine!
The first thing I noticed is your repetitive use of Ella, especially at the beginning of the paragraphs. You're lucky, you can use the pronoun 'she'. Try writing in first person. Not so easy to deal with this issue.
I'd put a comma between 'terrible' and 'and'.
As I understand it in the first paragraph, she's having a nightmare. So she wouldn't know she's squirming in bed because in her dream she's running toward the creatures. She's not in her bed in her actual dream. Does that make sense? It's an issue of POV.
You can cut your third sentence into two.
How does she know she wasn't heard when she screamed "No"? Just because they didn't stop doesn't mean they didn't hear her. Again, you're stepping out of your character's POV. This might be intentional. I don't know. And why would she care if two creatures got into a fight in the first place? Just as long as they didn't attack her.
Her mother was swept away? To me that sounds like a tsunami not a fire. Who or what swept her away?
You can delete 'suddenly'. The final sentence of the paragraph can also be cut into three. 'This time something actually touched her, licked her.' Or something like that. Then show us that she found the dog's breath smelly. Maybe she wrinkled her nose at the smell.
How does she know that Maddie is licking her face to comfort her fears? Did the dog actually tell her that? Again, watch out for POV.
You can break up the sentence: The dream was quickly forgotten. Ella let out a laugh . . . (It was originally one sentence). There's a number of other sentences that can also be broken into two that I didn't mention.
Your ending is soft. But I'm not going to pick on that because so is mine (unless you read the stuff that came before the 250 words).
Hope that helps. Of course, this is all subjective. Someone else might feel differently on what I wrote. Good luck, and thank you for checking out my blog!
Thank you Stina so much. Your last point hit the nail on the head with a lot of the comments above yours, it is hard to tell what and who with only 250 words. This chapter ended that way for a reason, as all the others about her dreams were so vivid. It picks back up again shortly but was written that way to let the reader feel a sense of hope for her at that moment, as again, the previous chapters were rough for Ella. Again, thank you my friend. Best of luck to you and yours!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments about passive sentences,weak verbs and head hopping.
ReplyDeleteSome overall tightening and editing to add pace and remove redundancies would not go amiss here.
I too was jarred by the laugh after she found herself being licked by the dog. I presumed it was with relief- but it wasn't well explained.
Ditto about the grammar and spelling issues, plus the fact that the sentences need tightening. Overall, this felt more MG than YA based on the language and character voice. I'm afraid I can't say I'm hooked. The premise is there, but I think this needs some more work first.
ReplyDelete