TITLE: Bleeding Hearts
GENRE: fantasy/ paranormal chick-lit
The story is set in our world, although the Lead has been sensing strange, otherworldly things. In this early passage, the Lead dreams about a man she recently met. She is attracted to Marek despite the intense darkness about him, something that feels dangerous and powerful. In the dream, they appear to be standing on her fire escape, surrounded by fog.
Euphrates is her cat.
It’s hiding something, I said. Turning in his arms, I peered at the solid gray everything. I can sense there is something. . . big out there.
So, see through it.
The fog is too thick.
You have to take a chance. He lowered his face next to mine, his chest against my back, arms crossed in front of me, hugging, holding.
Wait. Holding. Holding rather tightly. Faint alarm bloomed. I’d hoped the dream would take a rather different direction. And what?
And fall.
Marek jumped off into the gray unknown. He jumped and took me with him.
My scream was a tight squeal that echoed long after the gray faded to black.
* * *
I woke, sitting up in bed. The scream clicked into razor-sharp focus. Euphrates.
Euphrates, straight-legged and shrieking at the bottom of the bed, arched and spitted at the still-shadowed corner of the room between the closet and the window. My heart pounded, the dream and the scream.
I grappled with the bedside lamp, flooding the room with light. No one. Nothing. The cat’s siren snapped off and he crouched, trembling. Nothing there.
Or was there? It felt like the dream lingered, gray-wisps of memory hovering, watching, waiting for sleep to provide another opportunity to descend.
Feeling like any moment something would pop up behind me, I shut off the light and dragged the cat to my chest like a teddy bear. Together we hid from the remainder of the night, deep under the covers, waiting for sunlight’s rescue.
This was very good, I really loved it. I felt like that was my dream as I was reading, really spooky.
ReplyDeleteOne of my worst nightmares is falling off a sky scraper at night time. That's what i felt when he dropped with her in the dream. Well done. Agreat ending to a chapter too. I love the cuddle with the cat at the end.
I would definitely read on.
I also would definitely read on. You have a very vivid voice here, and I am intrigued.
ReplyDeleteOne note: the flow seems a bit choppy. You have lots short not-sentences, and even your long sentences have lots of commas and breaks. It can work well, particularly depending on the style of the rest of the novel. But since I as given only 250 words, it was a little distracting.
Good luck!
I would read on too! I found the fragments ["Wait. Holding. Holding rather tightly" etc.] very effective in setting the mood or going along with the mood. You can feel the fear that the character feels. You bring the reader into the scene...I have goosbumps! Wow...good job!
ReplyDeleteThe overall tone, of a nightmare descending into something much more was very well done, in just a few sharp short sentences you set up a rhythm to the dream that is very appealing. I thought there might be too long of a break between 'chance' and 'and what' in that the 'and what' didn't make much sense at first ('a chance?' might work to tie that thought back to the previous one as intended. then have Marek 'say' something along the lines of 'Just fall.' or 'Fall.' Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteThe 'cat siren' is great, I think most pet owners can relate to that which really serves you well!! 'Or was there?' isn't, IMHO, really needed, just seems out of place with how tight the rest of the sample is. I, too, LOVED the cuddle with the cat at the end, very god way of showing the emotion of the situation at that point.
I enjoyed this as I enjoy a story line that let's your imagination be lead instead of telling you fact for fact.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the short fragments as an editor would definitely pick up on those, but over all, very nice.
Creepy and cool. I want to know what happens beyond this chapter. You set up the mood very well, especially when she awoke to find her startled cat.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
Very compelling. I was sucked right into the nightmare, and I want to know what happens next (and what happened before.) I thought the sentence fragments were effective and quite clear.
ReplyDeleteOne tiny nitpick: 'it felt like the dream lingered'--the rest of the sentence seemed too well or literarliy constructed fore that use of 'like'.
Great job with this! I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe only part that pulled me out was when she turned the light back off. No way she'd do that if she was scared. I also had a hard time with her pulling a freaked out cat to her chest to hug it.
I've never met a cat that a) would let you touch it without attacking you when it is in that hyper freaked state, b) would let you hold it like a teddy bear, and c) would let you keep holding it through the night.
Picky thoughts on what is otherwise a really well written piece.
I like this too. The only very nitpicky comment I have would be:
ReplyDeleteNothing there.
Or was there? It felt like the dream lingered. . .
I would replace the "or was there?" with "But the dream lingered. . . ."
and definitely read on!
I really liked this. You set the mood very well.
ReplyDeleteI would definately read more.
Good Job!!
I liked this and would have kept reading but I feel like the wording at the beginning, during the dream, was short and choppy. It didn't flow quite like it needed to, but other than that, good job!
ReplyDeleteI liked this! Your writing style is very fun to read. I loved the line "I peered at the solid gray everything."
ReplyDeleteA couple of little nit picks: "Faint alarm bloomed." It seems a little disjointed.
Also, I don't quite get "The scream clicked into razor-sharp focus." How can a scream click? Maybe "The source of the scream clicked?"
Good job, though, I would keep reading.
Fascinated.... yes, I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that crossed my mind though, only as a cat owner who's been wakened up too many times by bloodcurdling screams of the young idiot, as well as the crashing sounds as he throws himself at the windows.
My assumption every time is that there is a cat outside. If there were a person out there, I'd be wakened up by the low sound of him growling and then cowering under my bed in an angry mound of puffed out fur. :]
In both cases - the cat doesn't want to be confined in my arms. He'd nail me in the first case (territorial frenzy) and he'd prefer to hide under my bed in the second place. <- But that's my cat.
My thought here is that if I were this girl, I'd be looking for stray cats outside the window. Or telling myself that's all the cat was freaking out about. Even while I'm psychologically dwelling on the dream.
I'm not overly found of characters going to sleep (or trying) at the end of a chapter; it always seems too clam and without more idea of the stakes and tension, I'm not inspired to read on, sorry.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Guess I'm swimming against the crowd, but I wasn't really hooked. Ditto on what Merc says about characters waking from dreams being an overused literary tool that takes more away from the narrative than adds to it. Also, the beginning part confused me with all the italics as I couldn't tell who was talking/responding. Sorry, but I'm not urged to read on.
ReplyDelete