GENRE: YOUNG ADULT (FANTASY)
A bang on the door made Reta Morse jerk. A huge pencil line cut across the drawing of a warrior she’d worked on for two days. Groaning, she dropped her sketchbook, marched over to the door, and yanked it open. Nobody stood there. Very funny, Bryan, she thought. Reta leaned out onto the porch, ready to throttle her friend for ruining her drawing. A blue piece of paper fell from the door handle and landed facedown. Reta picked it up and flipped it over. It was probably another flyer from the Tri-County Knitting Club- Stay away from downtown today. You’re not who you think you are. Someone had scrawled the message in handwriting almost as bad as a doctor’s. Reta read it again. It made less sense than the Algebra test she’d taken last week. You’re not who you think you are? Reta crammed the strange note into her pocket and looked up and down the street. Whoever had knocked couldn’t have vanished too quickly. Her eyes landed on the street corner. She jumped back and her heart stopped. It could have been a trick of the pale morning light, but the man standing there looked like a solid silhouette. He rubbed a shadowy hand over his hair and shifted on legs clad in tall jackboots. Her mother spoke from behind her. “Reta? Who is it?” The shadow man turned and bolted around the corner. Reta whirled around. Her mother stood there, pinning up her blond curls. "What did you just cram in your pocket?"
I like this, there's tension and a good hook. I would read on to find out about the note, and I want to know who the shadow man is. Sounds interesting from the get go.
ReplyDeleteGood start - there is tension and some good character development of your protagonist. I like the mother coming in and pinning up her curls..great image. I like her shoving the note into her pocket. I guess the only part I'd change is how the shadow man 'bolted'. That word just didn't seem to fit the moment of the eerie note and eerie presence. Slunk? Disappeared? I don't know..it's a tiny ting.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteI like this, but I'm not sure I'm hooked. I'd keep reading for a little while to find out more about what's happening, but based on this alone, I'm only halfway there. I need to learn more about Reta before I commit.
ReplyDeleteNice start. You give us something specific about the main character right away -- she's not just drawing, she's drawing a warrior, and she cares about her drawing. Then we get the "nobody at the door" and the blue note with the grabby message.
ReplyDeleteI did have a moment of confusion with "Whoever had knocked couldn’t have vanished too quickly." Meaning, of course, she thought she might catch them, but I initially thought "She must mean they *did* vanish too quickly."
Then you have effect before cause, with: "Her eyes landed on the street corner. She jumped back and her heart stopped." Before we know why. Also, the initial metaphor is unintentionally comic.
Finally (I really do like this, btw, I'm just picking a few easily handled nits)play up the solid silhoutte description a bit. This is really bizarre if he indeed looks like a two-dimensional black cut-out. Make us see him!
Nits aside, this is a very nice start.
Yes, I think this is a good beginning also. It leaves you wanting to know more as the tension builds with the note and shadowy figure appearing and fleeing. Very mysterious. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the anonymous--hit the button too quick!
ReplyDeleteGood hooky start. I loved some of the phrases too, like "handwriting almost as bad as a doctor’s"
ReplyDeleteI didn't quite understand what "looked like a solid silhouette" meant.
I would keep going.
I liked this, though there are a few things I'd like to comment on specifically.
ReplyDeleteReta leaned out onto the porch, ready to throttle her friend for ruining her drawing.
--It's just a pencil line, so it can be erased, meaning the drawing isn't ruined, just messed up, right? Or am I missing something?
It was probably another flyer from the Tri-County Knitting Club-
--I don't understand why this sentence ends with a dash. If it's an actual thought, it can end with a dash, like it's being interrupted, but this seems like it would do better trailing off or just ending, like 'It was probably another flyer from the Tri-Country Knitting Club...' or 'It was probably another flyer from the Tri-Country Knitting Club.'
It made less sense than the Algebra test she’d taken last week.
--In this sentence, it seems like she's bad at math, so maybe change it to 'It made less sense than the Algebra test she'd failed last week.' to add humor. If this is not the case, then never mind. =)
It could have been a trick of the pale morning light, but the man standing there looked like a solid silhouette.
--The 'solid silhouette' thing threw me. I don't really know how you'd clarify, though. Sorry.
Her mother spoke from behind her. “Reta? Who is it?”
--Woah, wait, her mom's there? Maybe you should introduce this earlier, so she's not just there out of the blue. Maybe add in to the first paragraph like so:
'A band on the door made Reta Morse jerk. A huge pencil line cut across the drawing of a warrior she'd worked on for two days.
"I'll get it!" she called. (This gives the reader a clue that she's not alone.) Groaning, she dropped her sketchbook, marched over to the door, and yanked it open.'
Reta whirled around. Her mother stood there, pinning up her blond curls. "What did you just cram in your pocket?"
--This piece of dialog seemed very stiff. Maybe 'What's that in your pocket?' would work better.
In the end, I'd probably read more, but I'm not completely hooked. The writing doesn't quite flow as well as if could in my opinion. Good job, though! =)
Miss Swan pointed out several of my concerns too. I would like to add a few.
ReplyDeleteUp until her mother walks up behind her, we know these paragraphs are about Reta (love the name by the way) so using her name constantly gets repetitive. Give the reader and break and use 'she' once in awhile.
Also, disembodied body parts are not a good thing. Her gaze might have landed on the corner, but her eyes didn't jump out of her head and go there.
She crammed the note into her pocket and scanned the street finally spotting a strange man on the corner. At least the black silhouette resembled a man.
Raw, but it makes a difference.
Good luck!
I love this one. Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteI hope, though, her eyes didn't literally fall out of her head and land on the ground *wink*. Of course that would explain why she jumped back and her heart stopped. Now she has to find them which can't be easy when you're blind. Sorry. Couldn't resist that one ;0)
You've just landed on my list of favorite.
Yay! She yanked the door open instead of ripping it open. Much better! My fingernails don't ache this time around. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely hooked. Good edits.
I agree with some of the comments - the overuse of Reta's name (great name), the surprise that the mother is in the house, and the eyes landing on the corner.
ReplyDeleteI like the mystery of the page - the sinister note, the eerie man on the corner. Good job and good luck.
Very intriguing set-up. I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. The 'solid silhouette' tripped me up though.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Good introduction of mystery and suspense right up front. My only comment is that the language and Reta’s voice felt more Middle Grade than YA. She just sounds young, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteI was interested enough to read on. Be careful with phrases like "Her eyes landed on the street corner."
ReplyDeleteNot physically possible.
I also wanted a bit more grounding in her physical surroundings. Is she at a desk near the front door? I was picturing her in her bedroom but then she's looking off the front porch.
So once again I'm on alert because the writing is showing some clunkiness but I would read on another page or so to see if it would smooth out.
Thank you everyone for your comments so far. I really think they will help me make my opening read better. I'll get to work fixing those "jarring" parts.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you, Secret Agent, for taking the time to give this advice in your (probably insane) schedule.
Any nit picks I had have been spoken of. That being said.
ReplyDeleteHOOKED!
This is a much better opening than the last. Not that the last wasn't good, this is just better. ;)
Good new opening. My critiques are pretty much addressed by previous readers, and I think this is very solid and hooky.
ReplyDeleteThe title hooked me to start with and so far this is one of my favorites.
ReplyDeleteI really like the new opening too.