Genre: YA Christian
Marty lives in the future where Christians must hide their faith, and meet in secret. She had a God giving gift of visions. In this they had just finish their underground service and Marty is thrown in to a vision.
"Hi, Fireball." said Luke. I looked right at him to see he's looking right at me. "Are you paying attention?" Of course, he noticed.
"Fireball?" I asked, feeling my anger return.
"You had been showing a little anger all night." He smoothly answered. "Seem like a good nickname."
I noticed a hint of a smile on Wendell's face. Daddy and Matt gave him a hateful look. Michael laughed.
"As I was saying…" said Daddy, a little angry too. "I believe Marty need to have a bigger role in our church."
"What are you suggesting?" asked Matt.
"She need to talk to the people she see in her dreams." I felt shock as I looked over at Daddy. He didn't tell me this part of the plan. "So, Marty, the next person you have a dream or vision about you have to talk to them. No more coming to me for help."
I turned to look at Luke. I had to talk to him, but after him praying twice on the way here I believe he didn't need saving, not by God's grace. Why did God give me a vision of him? "Sure." I said.
"Now you go on home. I'll see you later."
(I) stood among the trees.
ReplyDelete"I believe Marty need(s) to have..
She need(s) to talk...she see(s) in her dreams.
I felt shocked(ed) as I looked...
I think the story might be interesting, but the pronoun misusage, and the switching back and forth between present and past tenses is confusing.
A good story is lurking, just tighten up the sentences, and pick a tense.
I am sorry if this seemed harsh. That is not my intension.
This snippet reads to me like English is not your first language. I'll do a bit of a line crit. I think you want the vision to be in present tense, then the rest in past?
ReplyDelete~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm stood standing? among trees. Luke was (is) standing in front of me. He said (says) something but I didn't don't hear him. The vision left leaves me. I come back. Daddy was still talking. No one had notice noticed anything different.
"Hi, Fireball." said Luke. I looked right at him to see he's looking right at me awkward. "Are you paying attention?" Of course, he noticed.
"Fireball?" I asked, feeling my anger return.
"You had You've been showing a little anger all night." He smoothly answered. "Seem seems like a good nickname."
I noticed a hint of a smile on Wendell's face. Daddy and Matt gave him a hateful look. Michael laughed. lots of names here - does mentioning all of these people advance the story or characterization in any way? If not, why don't you just keep the focus on your POV character, Luke and the father?
"As I was saying…" said Daddy, a little angry too. "I believe Marty need needsto have a bigger role in our church."
"What are you suggesting?" asked Matt.
"She need needs to talk to the people she see seesin her dreams." I felt shock don't tell us she feels shock - it doesn't draw us into her plight and it keeps us distant - SHOW us the shock - what did she feel physically? What did she do as the shock hit her? as I looked over at Daddy. He didn't tell me this part of the plan. "So, Marty, the next person you have a dream or vision about you have to talk to them prior sentence awkward. No more coming to me for help."
I turned to look at delete 'look at' Luke. I had to talk to him, but after him praying twice on the way here I believe he didn't need saving, not by God's grace. Why did God give me a vision of him? "Sure." I said.
"Now you go on home. I'll see you later." this is a bit of an abrupt ending and doesn't add to the story.
I think the fundamental problem here is with grammar/the use of the language. There's a story in here, but it's difficult to read until the grammar/sentence structure is improved. Good luck.
This needs some serious editing. There are grammar, style, and punctuation issues all over the place. Just in the first two sentences (remove all bold):
ReplyDeleteI'm stood among trees. Luke was standing in front of me. He said something(insert comma) but I didn't hear him. The vision left me. I comecame back. Daddy was still talking. No one had noticed anything different.
"Hi, Fireball." (period should be a comma inside the quote) said Luke said. I looked right at him to see he's looking right at memeeting his eyes. "Are you paying attention?" Of course, he noticed.
My favorite books for grammar rules are "The Little English Handbook" by Corbett and Finkle and "Elements of Style" by Strunk.
I see others have addressed the editing concerns (and I agree) so I'll tackle my other thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThe overall story concept is intriguing. I could see this being more sci-fi than plain YA, just to add some fun to it. Plus it's in the future.
You have a good cast going on here, but the voices are interchangeable. You may not be able to attribute wildly different characteristics in such a short scene, but at least have your MC stand out a little more, along with whoever she (I think it's a she) is interacting with the most.
Read the dialog aloud and listen to how natural or not it sounds to you. It seems you've written the dialog here in proper grammar form with mixed use of contractions.
Also, tighten your POV as well make sure your tenses are in order. The tense issue contributed to much of the need for editing.
Good foundation.
I hope you will take the comments here as intended; to help you with your writing and make it sing.
ReplyDeletePlease look at the examples some of the posters have kindly offered you and study this more closely. Then rewrite it- may take more than once if what I and others suspect and English is not your native language. You may be pleasantly surprised at how much smoother it flows once you've done this.
Does she always see living people in her dreams? I just wondered if her daddy meant she should talk to them while actually in the dream, or once she returns.
Best of luck.
From writer,
ReplyDeleteThank you all! Hmmm I think my hearing loss is what coming across through the bad grammer.
Again thank you!
I too will part from the well-reviewed grammar issues with this story. My other concern is that you to think out the sound of your story prior to writing it down. What I see here is a lot of clipped thoughts and unexplained ideas. I want to enjoy your story without piecing together for myself what it is you are trying to say.
ReplyDeleteWriter, you dropped in your comment while I was composing mine... So my statement the sound of your story was not meant in anyway as a slight! But your revelation does add validity to my point and I can believe that you will be able to adjust your writing to add your own unique perspective to the written word. Sincerely Yours, Marty
ReplyDeleteI think the grammatical items have been well addressed in previous comments.
ReplyDeleteI think you could add a bit more punch to the end, it doesn't leave me wanting to turn the page. I think you could end it earlier with her question "Why did God give me a vision of him?" and maybe add soemthing along the lines of I was afraid I'd found out all too soon....if it works in with your story.
Best wishes on the rewrite (I am already on rewrite number 12!)
The grammatical errors have already been addressed, and graciously received.
ReplyDeleteYour open heart to correction is going to propel you forward! Awesome stuff going on here. :)
Your premise has the potential to be very intriguing -- even gripping. So many Christians in our country take for granted the freedom to worship as they desire. You're tackling an issue that, for many in other countries, is not fictional.
Keep working. Keep pruning. Continue to be open to the critique and advice of others. This could become something powerful.
This is pretty good but there are tense shifts that throw the rhythm.
ReplyDeleteI'm stood among trees. Stood is past tense and I am is present tense. Your sentences choices are: "I stood among the trees or I'm standing among the trees."
"I come back. Daddy was still talking...", would read better written like this " When I returned Daddy was still talking, and no had noticed anything.
Otherwise its interesting. Good job writer
Scary premise... :[
ReplyDeleteSomething that kept pushing me out was the grammar here. Wasn't quite right.
You have a good idea here, but it just needs a little smoothening out.
From Writer,
ReplyDeleteThank you to everyone who has commented since my last thank you message! Marty, I was not hurt by your comment I thought nothing of it.
Thank you to everyone who changed the grammer errors in thier comments. I have printed them out so I have them on hand.
Thank you for all the plot and tensing tips.
And people keep commenting I'll take anything you want to say. This is why I'm here!
P.S. I have tried to edit this comment, I hope its right ;) lol
Looks like you need a few more Christian reviewers. :-)
ReplyDeleteYes, you need to work on your grammar. If English isn't your first language, then I must say that I admire you.
That said... you'll generally do best if you stick to past tense, so I'll go through and switch everything to that, and I'll add/subtract a little here and there, just to give you an example in how to smooth it out:
--------------
I stood among trees, and Luke stood in front of me. He said something but I didn't hear him.
Then the vision left.
I came back and found that Daddy was still talking. No one seemed to have noticed anything different.
Luke turned around. "Hi, Fireball. Are you paying attention?"
I sighed. Evidently he had noticed.
"Fireball?" I asked. I hated that name!
He shrugged. "You've been angry all night. Seemed like a good nickname."
I snorted and looked around. Wendell wore the smallest hint of a smile...one that Daddy and Matt didn't like, if the look on their faces meant anything.
Michael only laughed.
"As I was saying…" Daddy continued with another huff, "I believe Marty needs to have a bigger role in our church."
"What are you suggesting?" asked Matt.
"She needs to talk to the people she see in her dreams."
What? Talk to them? I didn't want to do that!
I looked at Daddy. He hadn't told me this part of the plan.
"So, Marty," Daddy continued. "The next time you have a dream or vision, go talk to that person. No more coming to me for help."
I glanced at Luke. Talk to him? He didn't need saving. He'd prayed twice on the way here. Why did God give me a vision of him, anyway?
I look back at Daddy. "Sure."
"Now you go on home. I'll see you later."
-------------
I hope that offers you some help with your grammar, and also gives you some ideas on how to move from dialogue to action and moving around a group of people.
God bless!
I was probably more curious if the ban on Christianity was world wide (since there are still parts of the world now it's banned, right?) in the future more than anything in here... but regardless, I'm afraid this didn't really grab me, sorry. I also don't read a lot of this kind of fiction in general. Just a grain of salt. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Ditto that the grammar and sentence structure needs work. Also, the hopping POV gets confusing and hinders your readers from really engaging in the story. Maybe pick up some style guides and grammar books at your local library for further reference.
ReplyDelete