TITLE: ECHO
GENRE: ROMANCE (ROMANTIC SUSPENSE)
Abby Foster’s hand drifted to her collarbone as she waited for the new prosecutor to explain his summons. No longer strewn with paper and empty Styrofoam cups, the office was as immaculate as the blonde man who sat across from her. Nearly three years ago she’d spent countless hours sitting in this same worn leather wing chair, but this afternoon, the uncluttered space felt like foreign territory.
And Dan Whitaker felt like the enemy.
Which was ridiculous. She had no idea what this meeting was about, but they were on the same side.
Her fingers found the place where the thin, raised scar hid under her bulky turtleneck. Determined to conceal the panic crawling up her throat, she set her hands on her lap and intertwined her fingers to anchor them. No amount of willpower could stop the sweat that seeped through her pores.
“Are you sure I can’t get you anything, Ms. Foster?” At Abby’s mute nod, the receptionist who had ushered her into the office closed the door on her way out.
On cue, Hollywood handsome Whitaker rounded his desk and posed on its polished edge. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Miss Foster, but we expect Cameron Faulkner’s appeal for a new trial to be granted.”
Abby’s heart seized. Her breath locked in her chest as an invisible vise clamped around her torso. She struggled to inhale enough air to respond. “How? I don’t understand. What appeal?”
Good- I was hooked by the ominous tone and conflict right away. I'm curious about the scar she has- it sounds like something terrible happened to her in the past and that this Cameron Faulkner must have something to do with it. Even though I'm not into romance I would definitely read more to see what happened to her.
ReplyDeleteI can feel her panic - the criminal who caused her scar is getting a new trial, which means she has to relive her nightmare once again, I assume. You lay out this scene well, but for me, to be compelling, I think I need something more. I feel like I've seen this situation before. I don't read much romance, so take that with a grain.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the reference to her scar. It was subtle, yet explained so much in a single sentence. I don’t read romance, but I found this beginning interesting outside the genre label. I found myself wondering what happened to Abby – how did she get to this place? Her reaction to the lawyer is also well done. You tell me a lot about this woman in a very small amount a space. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteWonderful. This was so clean and clear to read. I could immediately see where both the romance and the suspense in this romantic suspense book were coming from! Somehow the old case poses a danger to Abby, and Dan obviously poses a danger to her heart. *g*
ReplyDeleteI love the line, And Dan Whitaker felt like the enemy.
I hope this foreshadows actual conflict between them, even though they are on the same side.
I liked it. I'm hooked, even though I don't usually care for romantic suspense. The conflict is very clear from the first few words, and I'm intrigued as to why she's afraid of Cameron Faulkner.
ReplyDeleteI'm close to being hooked. I'm a little intrigued about why she's on the other side of the situation with the attorney. Must have something to do with the scar. I might read more to see if it keeps my attention. A bit wordy on the description of Whitaker and his behavior. Could use some tightening.
ReplyDeleteYou did an excellent job of conveying Abby's discomfort here, IMO. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOne nit: Shouldn't "Hollywood-handsome" be hyphenated?
Loved "And Dan Whitaker felt like the enemy."
This sounds very intriguing. I'm hooked. I loved the descriptions. I would read on to find out what happens next. Is she in trouble, or is she thefriend or relative of a victim?
ReplyDeletePossible romance (with Dan "feels like the enemy" Whitaker) - check.
ReplyDeleteSuspense - (who's Cameron Faulkner and why's he in jail? What is Abby to him? What does the scar have to do with that past?) - check.
Tons of story questions in a very short amount of writing. Very well done. I would definitely read on - I'm hooked.
Not my genre, but it's well written and the details really make the scene come to life. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked just to see why Dan Whitaker felt like the enemy, and to see how that romance pans out.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing.
You hooked me.
ReplyDeleteBut this piece would be even better if a few things could be made a bit clearer.
First, the sentence that starts "No longer strewn with paper and empty styrofoam cups..." is jarring because it seems like a massive change of subject, and on first read, it comes across as referring to Abby (the topic of the previous sentence) rather than to the office (which hasn't been mentioned yet). If you could rephrase it so that it follows a little more logically, that would be great.
Second, the fact that she said she spent countless hours in the office made me think that she was another lawyer or a paralegal who was working with Dan Whitaker. So it was jarring to learn that she is a client rather than a coworker.
Third, because Abby spent hours sitting in his office, I assumed that she'd been working with Dan in the past. But there's no hint as to why Dan suddenly feels like the enemy, so that made me wonder what's changed to make her feel that way? Then I wondered if perhaps Dan has inherited this office from someone else, and Abby is meeting Dan for the first time? It doesn't kill the intro, but it would be nicer to know, from Abby's reaction to Dan, whether or not she is meeting the replacement for her old lawyer or whether she knows Dan well. If she spent countless hours working with him on the case when it was first tried, she would react to him very differently than if he was a stranger.
I think you did everything well. I have nothing specific to gripe about, but there's something missing. Maybe if you described her sense of approaching doom with more force?
ReplyDeleteI'm liking this. The pacing was tight, controlled. Good balance of description and internal narrative.
ReplyDeleteMy only pause was the description of Whitaker as "Hollywood handsome" where the rest of the scene has a hard-boiled edge to it.
Such a small thing though. This hooked me and I appreciate a suspense that doesn't have to start with a murder to establish the dark undercurrent.
Excellent! I was pulled in and left wanting more. The writing had a great pace and just enough information to give me what I needed but turn the page for more. Great job.
ReplyDeleteVery intrigued. I'd turn the page.
ReplyDeleteI'm just so-so on this one. Romantic suspense is so hard to do without resorting to stereotypes. I feel there's too much reliance on the genre tropes here but it's not bad.
ReplyDeleteI like the line "And Dan Whitaker felt like the enemy" because he's not supposed to.
Other things make me hesitate to read more. "On Cue, Hollywood handsome Whitaker"
And then her panic reaction at the end is all too common in this genre.
Still, I'd probably read a few more pages with the hope it would smooth out.
I enjoyed it - I'm not very familiar with the genre, but the writing felt crisp and I was intrigued by the scar.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the story and your writing. You got Abby's feelings across well. The last paragraph was the first time something stopped me. 'Abby's heart seized. Her breath locked in her chest...'
ReplyDeleteBoth seemed to be overdoing it. I personally like the second better.
Overall, the story kept my interest.