TITLE: The Last Baby Boomer
GENRE: Commerical Fiction
The line to see the dying man stretched down the marbled hall past to the restrooms clear back to where they’d hung the awful Warhol. It throbbed and pulsed within more than 200 yards of velvet ropes that acted like arteries leading to the center of a very sick heart. On-line, prayerful men, women and children clutched their $25 tickets and fidgeted with urgent impatience. His chain-smoking primary care physician, who hadn’t bothered to so much as scan a single chart much less visit in more than 18 months, remained dogged in his shrill and daily conviction that the patient, Martin Jacob McCrae, could go at any minute.
That’s when all the real fun would begin.
Nurse Becky Dudash knew just what she’d do when he died. She’d use her millions to insulate herself from a humanity she’d grown to loath. For the past three years, her every dream was of the old man’s death, a death she was by law restricted from either preventing or hastening. She loved him with her whole heart and found it odd how often she dreamed of taking a pillow and laughing maniacally as she pressed it without pity down over the once-handsome face that had begun to look to her like it had been whittled from a giant meatball. But his was legislatively ordained to be a natural death no matter how much a moral quagmire his endless life was proving to be.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Here goes - your first sentence caught my attention.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion - make the 3rd paragraph (Nurse Becky . . .) the first paragraph. The 3rd paragraph - solely my own opinion - is definitely more interesting and intriguing, and sets up the story possibilities . . . and the rambling questions in my mind. Does she already have the millions? If so, why is she a nurse to a dying man? If not, will she get the money from the dying man? Why is his death ordained to be natural?
Yes, all those questions and more popped into my mind while reading the 3rd - very well written, btw - paragraph. Again, this is just my opinion so take it with the proverbial grain of salt.
I definitely want to read more.
Weird--definitely something different here. But some of the language is a bit awkward. Fix that and you have me 100%
ReplyDeleteI think I know the set up here, not sure where I saw it, though. So I know why those people are lined up. If I didn't know, I think that first paragraph would have been a little confusing. The language is descriptive, but not as clear as it could be in painting a picture of this lottery.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the physician sentence took me a couple of read-throughs. He hasn't bothered to visit in 18 months, and yet he remains dogged in his conviction that he could go any moment? Where is this physician?
I agree with Scott that the Nurse Becky paragraph would make a compelling opening. There's lots of conflict there, and you can gradually reveal the situation from her POV - hating the people in line waiting to watch him die, etc.
I'd read more, though, so good job!
I think I saw your query on Query Shark? So I know your premise, which is good, because the premise makes this story interesting. What happens when the Last Baby Boomer dies? I like the idea. It's unique.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, this beginning offers no easy entry because it seems to be told in omni. The sudden mention of "His chain-smoking physician" comes out of no-where. *Whose* physician? You forgot to mention the dying man himself. You referred only to "the center of a very sick heart" but haven't made it clear an actual human being is dying on display, or shown whose PoV we're in.
The first PoV character character, Becky, seems unsympathetic. If she "loved him with her whole heart" why does she dream of murdering him "laughing maniacally...without pity"? This, on top of the fact that she loathes humanity, just makes her sound like a heartless b****.
Who are we supposed to sympathize with here?
I too had a hard time with the opening. It sounded like the kind of procession you see after someone has died (like the Pope).
ReplyDeleteI love the relationship between Nurse Becky and Martin though. You establish a great conflict with her caring for him, yet yearning for his death.
Looks like I'm going to be the other voice/opinion here and state that I really like the opening paragraph. I love the description of the "velvet ropes that acted like arteries." What I get from this opening is that the last baby boomer has become a spectacle, a sought after artifact for the public to gawk at.
ReplyDeleteThis all flows well into Nurse Becky, who to me seems to love him and wants the man to no longer be on display. That fact makes me understand her wanting to smother him with a pillow. He is suffering, and she wants to help him.
Great concept and good writing. Love the imagery you use re: his face "whittled from a giant meatball."
I am hooked. I want to read more.
I would read on, but I agree that the third paragraph is much more compelling than the other two. (I found Becky quite sympathetic, BTW, and I thought you did a nice job showing not only her feelings for the dying man, but also her conflict about his death.)
ReplyDeleteThis is quite an intriguing plot, it sounds like. :-)
I found the first paragraph a little hard to understand and had to read it a few times. The second one was quite good and I agree, I would start here.
ReplyDeleteI'm curuous though so I would read on.
I stumbled a couple of times in the first paragraph. Love the reference to the awful Warhol, but the "it" that begins the next sentence could be misread to refer to the Warhol instead of the line. I also had to read the physician line twice.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of it got more interesting, although the nurse seems kind of crazy, both loving and wanting to smother him while laughing maniacally.
Love the title!
The patient, Martin Jacob McCrae, could go at any minute. And that's when all the real fun would begin.
ReplyDeleteThose are the two lines that would hook me. Then, as Scott said, get into Nurse Becky and her love/murderous relationship with the patient. I think all the ticket clutching people could be woven in as the story progresses.
I didn't know the premise (with the exception of the title hint) so it was Nurse Becky who promised a good read. She would make me turn the page.
Interesting idea. Good luck.
It's an interesting premise, but feels way too heavy and overly-wordy to me. The first paragraph also doesn't have a clear POV character established, so it makes it that much harder to get into the narrative.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph doesn't hook me -- it's very impersonal, and a description of a situation from what seems to be no one's point of view.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you start with the nurse, and then have her watching the people waiting in line, and have her react to what she is seeing?
Also, I don't understand why these people have paid tickets to see some sick rich guy die. And how does Nurse Becky know she's going to inherit millions? I know this is the first 250 words, but I need a little hint about what's going on to want to keep reading. Again, using Nurse Becky's reactions to the situation could be a great way to give out those hints.
Great opening line, but then I got confused. I really have no idea what's happening. And I don't think you can love someone while wanting to smother them. Desire that they relinquish their hold on life and go to a better life, yes? Wish to actively murder them, no.
ReplyDeleteWhat a crazy little spectacle! You've befuddled me, but not in a bad way. And when I look back, the writing's got a decent backbone in it to support the weird. If I look hard there's a couple of run-on sentences, but I didn't notice them first pass because I was too busy reading with my eyebrows raised.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked.
It's weird enough I like it and would read on a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This story intrigued and hooked me the minute I saw it over on query shark. I think the idea is most fascinating and there is nothing of great significance a good agent or editor could help you fine tune. Love the visual. The premise. Awesome!
ReplyDeleteI'm in agreement with Scott. Make 3rd para 1st.
ReplyDeleteYep, I'm hooked.
hum... I didn't get this. I read it twice hoping that maybe I just wasn't paying as close attention the first time through.
ReplyDeleteWhere are we? Whose POV should we be in? The first paragraph is not the same as the second.
So Nurse Becky loves him with her whole heart but can imagine herself laughing maniacally while killing him?
It's a mystery to me but not in a way that would make me want to read on. Sorry.
I loved the first two lines - particularly the very sick heart line, I thought that was fantastic given the man at the center. I did experience the confusion that others have mentioned. I think you've got a good idea and hope that you'll clean up this first part to bring it more to life.
ReplyDeleteFYI: Arteries lead away from the heart, ergo, the velvet ropes would resemble veins. : )
ReplyDeleteThat line alone made me lose interest.