TITLE: Captives
GENRE: Regency
Hero has just rescued the heroine from hunters chasing her through the woods. After having one person die while she was escaping, she’s refusing his aid in hopes to protect him. He’s refusing to let her leave, not wanting her dead body on his mind.
“Sit.” She jumped at his stern command. Water splashed over the tub’s edge. “Guard.”
Prickling chilled down her back. What now? Her breathing, a harsh whisper from between her lips, was the only sound. A door popped closed, startling her once again.
She sat forward in the tub and tried to look in the room, but she couldn’t see anything past the screen. “Are you there? Gabriel?”
Her questions went unanswered. She left the tub before he returned and was forced to dress in front of him.
She peeked in the room. There were two very large dogs sitting at the door. Both their heads cocked to the same side and looked as innocent as could be.
With an eye on them, she unfolded the clothes on the bed. The day dress wouldn’t be near warm enough for the nights this time of year, but she dressed in the shift, laced up the front fastening corset, and slipped on the white dress. There were no shoes, or stockings, but her boots were downstairs. Somewhere. That would have to do.
She ate enough food off the left-behind tray to satisfy her hunger and the rest she wrapped in a cloth she found in a drawer.
She moved to the door. In front of the dogs. “Nice puppies.”
They growled in response. Not so innocent after all.
She bit her lip and dared another step. Both dogs sprang to their feet and barked, showing off their pointed teeth.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this is going to be harder to critique than I realized, starting in the middle of the scenes.
ReplyDeleteI like the bit of tension we have here, and wonder how she's going to manage leaving the room, but I think the writing needs a bit of tightening.
About 3 or 4 paras. down, you've left some confusion for me. The sentence, "She left the tub before he returned" has a problem. She is the one who doesn't wish to dress in front of him, but it doesn't really say that.
Then when she peeks into the room, is she peeking into another room, or just peeking out from behind the screen? If the latter, then she's already in the room and simply needs to peak into the rest of the room.
My only other comment is about the food on the tray. I think you should leave out "left-behind". That just makes the sentence awkward to me.
I apologize if my comments are too harsh or picky, but I'm trying to be as honest as possible. Except for those few little things, I thought it was interesting and smooth.
I think you have a good story line here. I agree with the above, especially the 'left-behind'. Just saying tray works. The readers will understand.
ReplyDeleteI also liked the tension in the beginning.
I'm confused by the beginning. Is she alone? Who's barking orders at her? Who is she dressing in front of? You do a good job setting the tone of the piece with dress being too light for nights, packing food away, and she's obviously trying to sneak away, but the beginning really threw me.
ReplyDeleteI was confused about who was where in this scene. You tell us that she was forced to dress in front of him, but then it's like he doesn't exist in the room while she's getting dressed and approaching the dogs. If they're his dogs, I think she'd look to him for reaction before approaching them.
ReplyDeleteAlso... and this is really picky, and I could be totally wrong... but the "Nice puppies" comment feels more contemporary than the piece. It's almost anachronistic in that it's such a modern cliche.
I was in the scene with you, but I think the last lines need a little tweaking before they can be proper chapter ends.
ReplyDeleteThe scene deserves more tension then what had been built. Good start, but it's not strong enough for me to flip to the next page.
I could put in a bookmark and pick up another time. Make me want to sneak in 'just one more chapter' before I have to go to bed.
This paragraph put me off:
ReplyDeletePrickling chilled down her back. What now? Her breathing, a harsh whisper from between her lips, was the only sound. A door popped closed, startling her once again.
Prickling chilled?
Breathing and whispering are not the same thing.
Doors pop open, not closed.
One of these I could overlook, but together they make me not trust the writing enough to look for the story.
This shouldn't be the end to the chapter. You haven't left the reader in a place where they have any notion of what's going to happen next, and your character is stuck. There is probably a place beyond the dogs where this chapter should end.
ReplyDeleteThe writing needs to be tightened, it's full of verb-adverb and noun-adjective confusion. Also, I agree with others above, "he" seems to be there yet he isn't. You have her keeping an eye on the dogs, who are sweethearts up to this point, so you can safely remove that while she folds her clothes.
This really needs editing. Watch your sentence fragments, "She moved to the door. In front of the dogs." That should be one sentence. Give this section a good re-write, think about every sentence and make it perfect.
I don't feel any tension in this ending. It feels like a piece taken out mid-scene. Also, it doesn't feel very "Regency." Not just the bits of dialogue, but the narrative style.
ReplyDeleteThere's also a lot of telling rather than showing. If she's been chased by hunters and has been rescued by a stranger(?), what does she feel? How is her body reacting to her emotions? What does she feel about this man who has rescued her? Because this ending does not seem like a true ending, I'm left wanting and ultimately, disinterested.
This is totally a personal preference, but I try not to mix one person's words with another person's actions. In your first paragraph, I'd split up the verbiage from the action:
ReplyDelete"Sit."
She jumped at his stern command, water splashing over the tub’s edge.
"Guard."
But again, that's really just my personal taste.
I'd swap "Prickling chilled" to "A chill prickled". In my head, a prickle doesn't chill, but a chill can prickle. I also don't know about "a door popped closed", as popping always makes me think of opening actions, not closing. (But maybe I just have a fever for the flavor of a Pringle.)
Loved the imagery here: "Her breathing, a harsh whisper from between her lips, was the only sound." Loved it!
I'd eliminate the "she" from "but she couldn’t", as you've already started the sentence with it.
This didn't make any sense to me: "She left the tub before he returned and was forced to dress in front of him." If, as the rest of the excerpt implies, he wasn't back yet, how could she dress in front of him?
You're mixing tenses here: "Both their heads cocked to the same side and looked". Either both cocked their head and looked, or both heads (were) cocked and both were looking.
Consider expanding "With an eye on them" to clarify if "them" is the dogs or the articles of laundry.
I have to disagree with Sissy about the left-behind tray -- I think it makes more sense as-is, unless you've specifically mentioned the tray before and there's only the one of them. If not, leave in the left-behind and change "the" to "a" just to clarify.
If the next chapter starts with a different set of characters in a totally different place, then I like the ending, as now I have the tension of waiting to see what happens to her. But if it picks up with her again then I agree that's a bit of a let-down.
I like where you are tying to go at the end with the shorter, more staccato sentences to evoke her short and careful steps. However, I'd underline it a bit more:
She moved to the door. The one door. In front of the dogs. "Nice puppies."
I don't know what genre Regency is- this felt very much like a historical romance to me. I liked the description you provide, it is clear without too much to distract. I find it interesting that she is concerned about fashion (a true lady always is) while she is in this cabin as seen by the boots versus stocking and slippers/shoes.
ReplyDelete"Prickling chilled down her back" threw me off. I agree with much of what has been said above about the tray and
I would read on.
Ditto that Prickling chilled down her back. didn't make too much sense to me. Can't say I was really drawn into this, maybe because nothing was really happening save the MC taking a bath. Also, I got a bit confused at the part where the guy watched her dress. Wouldn't that go against the societal norms of the time? Or at least further upset the MC that she's being demoralized like that?
ReplyDeleteAren't most dogs' teeth pointed? O:) In this context, "pointed" is redundant, IMO. Otherwise it read clean and smooth to me. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteInteresting snippet. I'm not sure if I would read on or not--it doesn't quite feel like a chapter ending, but just where the 250 words cut off. Could be me. Right now I don't have a huge urge to flip the page, but again, it doesn't feel like the end here... I'm on the fence. Sorry!
Good luck with it though.
~Merc
Okay, totally clueless at the beginning until I read it over again (after knowing about the dogs). Is this obvious from the build up before this exerpt? Or do the dogs just appear out of nowhere?
ReplyDeletePopped closed? I've always associated 'popped' with open. So having a hard time visualizing this. This must be a sound I'm not used to.
Prickling chilled down her back. Huh? Okay, maybe I'm just tired, but I'm just not getting it.
She left the tub before he return and was forced to dress in front of him. I think you can elaborate more here. I didn't get the sense he was back in the room. How was he looking at her? How does she feel about him being there?
She peeked in the room. Was she in a different room? Which door were the dogs sitting at if she was in a different room peeking in?
I loved the two references to innocent and the dogs, especially the second one.
I'm guessing there's a reason why she's wrapping the food in the cloth. Where's Gabriel the whole time? Didn't he follow her out of the bathroom?
This isn't really my genre, though I used to love reading historic romances. So I can't give you much more than this. I might just read a little more, though.
I like this, and I do think that there is tension, both emotional and sexual. I did find the beginning a bit confusing, and I was a bit annoyed that he set the dogs on her to prevent her from leaving, but that was an annoyance with him rather than the writing. The one line that confused me the most was "She left the tub before he returned and was forced to dress in front of him" - was he there or not?
ReplyDeleteI like the idea here, that she’s stuck in a strange house with a strange man and is going to have to figure out how to proceed. This situation has potential. The chapter ends in a good place, and I would for sure turn the page to see how she gets out of this difficulty with the dogs.
ReplyDeleteI’m not exactly sure what’s meant by the genre label “Regency”. If it means the story is set in England in the Regency period, some work on style and, particularly, vocabulary may be in order (I found “Nice puppies” very jarring, for example; the odds that the heroine would use the given name of a man she’s just met are very slim; and I suspect your use of “dress” is somewhat anachronistic).
Is the long disquisition on clothing necessary? Because unless those details are going to become important later, I think I’d get rid of most of that paragraph; it sort of halts the flow, and it’s not, to be honest, very interesting. (It’s also confusing – are we to infer that the “white dress” is ipso facto warmer than the “day dress”? Why, in any case, leave her two gowns when presumably she can only wear one at a time? If we’re going to get some detail on the gowns I think knowing what they’re made of would be more useful than knowing their colour or cut – e.g., one could understand why she would choose wool over muslin for a cold night.) You could just tell us that she puts on the shift, laces the stays and slips the gown over her head, for instance.
“She left the tub before he returned and was forced to dress in front of him.” – this is really confusing. I suspect what you mean is that she hurries to get out of the tub before he gets back, not wanting to have to get dressed in front of him. Yes?
I find your premise intriguing and with the potential for an exciting tale.
ReplyDeleteAs a fan of Regency novels, however, I find that this doesn't exactly have a "Regency voice," if that makes sense.
Some things confused me:
She left the tub before he returned and was forced to dress in front of him.
Yet once she's dressed, she seems to be alone as she attempts to sneak past the dogs.
Prickling chilled down her back.
The above doesn't make sense as written. I think you mean to say that chills prickled down her back; you will have to reword.
A door popped closed. I'm not sure something can "pop" closed. Things usually "pop" open.
In front of the dogs. This is not a full sentence; it is a prepositional phrase. In a modern novel, this might be okay stylistically. In a Regency, however, I think a more formal sentence structure is in order.
And this:
They growled in response. Not so innocent after all. I like this! But again, it doesn't fit my idea of "Regency" voice. Perhaps it's as simple as changing it to a semicolon: They growled in response; not so innocent after all.
There are the bones of a neat story here. I feel like you might need to work on the execution in order to make this work.
All best! Press on!
In your explanation, you don't mention the dogs, so I was confused as to who wad being ordered to 'sit' and 'guard'. I'm guessing in the full story, the reader would be aware of the dogs' presence.
ReplyDelete'She left the tub before he returned and was forced to dress in front of him.' Yet while she dresses there is no indication that he's in the room.
It sounds interesting, though