GENRE: Literary
APRIL, 1975 -- It didn’t matter if this stranger intended to kill me. Death would have swept away the shattered remnants of Heather Montgomery – an identity I no longer wanted.
Without questioning his motives, I had traded the sleet pelting my face for the sting I felt between my legs while sitting in the passenger seat of his car.
I nodded when he asked, "Are you okay?"
But it was a lie. The bruises on my face screamed the truth.
I shrouded myself in silence as we drove, as we entered his apartment, even as he draped a blanket around my shivering frame.
“Is there someone you should call? You know, your mom? Maybe just let her know where you are?” His voice sounded foreign in my ears.
I shook my head and cocooned myself in the quilt.
Resting a hand on my belly, I worried, doubted.
The trembling wouldn’t cease, neither would the scenes – painful, frantic – reeling inside my mind.
Swinging fists.
Icy fingers at my throat.
The stench of whisky so heavy I tasted it.
The blur of darkness above me.
You ain’t nothin’ but a dirty little …
“What about your dad?”
My stomach lurched.
Tossing the blanket from around me, I rushed to the bathroom before becoming ill, but the frightened girl on the other side of the mirror replaced the nausea with tears.
"I didn’t mean to make you cry," he said from the doorway.
“It’s not your fault,” I whispered, but not to him.
It's definitely interesting. I'm really confused about who the man is in the scene, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm not sure if I'm hooked. I don't know if I'd read on after this page. On the one hand I'm confused and maybe reading further would help, but on the other hand, I'm confused and it might not be worth it to read on.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this opening. Though, to me, it seems more thriller or suspense than literary at the moment.
ReplyDeleteYou pull the reader right in with the mystery of the stranger, what happened to the MC and by whom.
I like the writing as well, short descriptive sentences with good detailed information.
I would continue reading hands down.
Great job!
I liked this and I'm hooked. I'm guessing thet she's been beaten by her partner and the other man is someone she took a ride from. I would read on to find out why she's been beaten.
ReplyDeleteHowever it seems like it's just because he was drunk. I'm thinking she's probably pregnant too because she's holding her stomach.
it's well written and I'd read on.
I'm assuming her father abused her. Is "it's not your fault" aimed at him, even though it is? (Or is she telling it to herself?)
ReplyDeleteYou're leaving us with questions, but they're good questions to have, not what-the-heck-is-going-on questions. I like also the strong, clear images you paint with words.
I don't like reading about abuse and recovery from abuse, so I might stop here, but I'm sure many readers would be hooked.
I am creeped out by the subject matter but kept reading anyway...that says something about how well it is written. I feel so sorry for your protagonist and h-a-t-e the creepy stranger already. I would need to read on to make certain she is safe! Intriguing piece. I would not call it a literary piece, however. The subject matter is a little heavy for me, personally, but your writing is on spot.
ReplyDeleteI think the only part that confused me was the stinging between her legs. What caused it? I almost might have thought that the man was doing something to her, but that didn't seem to be the case. Aside from that, well written and disturbing.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing that her father beat and raped her???
ReplyDeleteHmmm. There's definitely a hook here, and it's written well, but I'm not sure it's for me.
Wow, powerful. I wouldn't read on, but only because I don't handle abuse stories well. But you definitely have a strong voice.
ReplyDeleteNot big into literary, but this one has me hooked so far. Though I question if a female who has been raped would go anywhere with a strange man. Of course I could have misread this, too.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I thought the writing was gripping, but the confusion I had was with the first sentence. It talks about this stranger who wants to kill her and then immediately she is with some other man who seems like killing her is the last thought on his mind. That part lost me.
ReplyDeleteThis is well written, but I also had confussion with the stranger wanting to kill her and the man driving the car. The stinging between her legs confused me also.
ReplyDeletePerhaps these are explained further in the story.. but 250 words it's hard to fit all aspects in.
I would keep reading.
It seems more thriller or suspense than literary at the moment.
ReplyDeleteThe opening scene is only about 350 words. The rest of the story is definitely literary.
Thanks to all comments!
I was confused at the beginning - not sure why the man I had assumed hurt her would be asking her if she was ok. I had to re-read. Then I was good - and story questions would keep me reading. Love the line about the stench of whisky.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
This has some very strong points - intriguing situation, graphic descriptions.
ReplyDeleteI found it a little over-written - e.g., "The bruises on my face screamed the truth." - and a bit cliched.
I agree with whoever said this was more thriller than literary - but I'm all for cross-genre material, and this may turn out to be a literary thriller!
I really like this. Nice, strong writing, IMO, and there are lots of questions that need to be answered--but they're the kind I think you want readers to have.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused by the second graf:
Without questioning his motives, I had traded the sleet pelting my face for the sting I felt between my legs while sitting in the passenger seat of his car.
I've read that several times, and I still can't figure out the correlation. (However, occasionally people have to whap me between the eyes with a dead fish before I catch on to things, so....)
One question: This takes place in 1975, right? As I remember, we weren't so wary about being killed by strangers from whom we accepted rides back then. Depending on how old Heather is and what kind of background she has, she very well might be concerned (and there's also that evident bit of violence in the immediate past), but for some reason I didn't immediately get that her situation was so far out of the 1975 norm that she'd even be thinking a rescuing stranger might harm her. That may be just me, though.
I'd definitely read on. :-)
This didn't hook me, but I think it's a matter of style and genre. Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteMy take: She was beaten and/or raped by her father, fled the house, hitchhiked a ride and went home with the first stranger who would take her.
ReplyDeleteMy question is whether she's gone from the frying pan into the fire.
Great, emotional writing. You have conveyed much in a short time. Immediately I connected the "sting I felt between my legs" with rape, and I felt it was such an interesting way to convey this reality. It doesn't just say rape to me, it says that the girl is young and was a virgin.
ReplyDeleteI really love the short sentences, and the way the fragments mimic the character's mindset.
Very strong, vivid work here. I am hooked.
The opening paragraph felt overly melodramatic for me, but I liked the rest of it. I think if you cut the opening paragraph and modified the second one's opening line, it'd be a better hook. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I love the first paragraph. It tempts me to read on even when I'm not sure about the rest of it; when you trade plain-speaking for a more lyrical style that doesn't always work for me. I'm not always big on literary fiction, though, so perhaps others will enjoy it more.
ReplyDeleteOne-sentence paragraphs can have great impact, but I feel you're wasting that impact by making every non-dialogue paragraph one sentence long. I would save this technique for sections like the "Swinging fists" flashback, where it has the most power, and look to making the other paragraphs read more smoothly.
I was also confused by the "sting" reference in the second paragraph. I originally thought the stranger had raped her, because "sting" doesn't tend to be a word we associate with consensual sex, but he doesn't come across as a rapist in the rest of the piece unless he's a psychotic who rapes and then politely asks how she's feeling afterwards. This adds a tension to the piece, but it's not a good tension, I don't think -- more of a "So what did the author really mean back there?" kind of thing.
I think this could be really good, but it's not quite there yet.
Cheers.
Well, if you were trying to creep out the reader, it worked!
ReplyDeleteVery tense opening.
This is very touching and I'm drawn into the story right away, however there are a few minor problems.
ReplyDelete"The bruises on my face screamed the truth." The last time I checked, bruises can't scream.
"The trembling wouldn't cease, neither would the scenes..." Divide into two sentences.
"The frightened girl on the other side of the mirror replaced the nausea with tears." The meaning here is unclear.
After you clean up the grammar, this will rock.
I agree with several of the previous posts. It's a gripping idea.
ReplyDeleteBut also melodramatic.
And you need to be careful with your images(ie. the screaming bruises). If you're sloppy with them in the first 250 words, then an agent would probably be afraid you're going to be sloppy all the way through your book. And especially if this is literary fiction, that's a big problem. You need to be a word expert. Every word you choose needs to be perfect. You have several points where you use two describing words together (ie. painful, frantic) in an attempt to boost the emotion. But all that tends to do is heighten melodrama, imo.
I think with a little machete action, you will have a good thing here.
I do like this, but your first paragraph almost lost me. I had to read it three times to decipher it. Just because she no longer wants her current identity doesn't mean she wants to die. After that, the only suggestion I have is when he asks "What about your Dad?" I'd like a tag line because the previous line appears to be spoken by her abuser (Dad?) and I didn't know for sure who said, "What about your Dad?" Well done! I wouldn't normally read this sort of thing, but I'm sympathetic to your heroin.
ReplyDeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteThis is well written, but I'm... thinking two things at the end here.
When I saw the 'sting' thing, I kinda thought she was a hooker. That the guy was taking her home - afterwards.
But as I read on, I'm now wondering if she's pregnant and very close to having a baby.
Because the date given is like 30+ years ago, this feels like a prologue and I'm wondering if Heather isn't the protagonist at all, but the child she's about to have is.
One awkward line in there: but the frightened girl on the other side of the mirror replaced the nausea with tears.
"On the other side" sounds like the part of the mirror which faces the wall. :]
And nausea doesn't go away with tears. It only goes away if the person settles down or throws up. Unfortunately.
I wouldn't keep reading, but not because you didn't present a hook here. Rape/incest just doesn't make me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought - if you pulled me into the character first, then revealed this as her past, I'd probably care enough about the character to keep reading.
It’s a bit vague in the middle part, but I do like this. I’m curious about what’s happened/happening to Heather, and I would read.
ReplyDeleteAm I hooked? Hum... No.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I don't quite get the opening. I'm thinking she got in a stranger's car because it was sleeting out and he raped and beat her?
Then the dialogue that unfolds makes it sound like he knows her.
Then I went back to reread thinking with the father comment the rape had happened and then this other person picked her up?
The writing also felt a tad overdone with the short sentences alternating with dialogue.
It could be a personal thing but for me, the writing has to be so good that I don't notice the writing--if that makes any sense.
I'm with the others in guessing that the story is going to be about the child, who is the product of a rape by the father of the narrator here. Even if not, it's tough subject matter. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI like this.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, at first I thought the driver raped her with the line about the sting between her legs, and then I realized, at least I hope, that he's just some nice guy who's trying to help.
And now I'm wondering if dear ol' dad did it. I don't have to know now, but the beginning's a little confusing.
I'd read on though.
Thanks for all of your comments.
ReplyDeleteYou've opened my eyes a lot.
This is certainly one of those cases where the writer is too close to the story. Seeing everyone's confusion really made me step back and take another look at what I'd written.
I think I have a plan. :-)