TITLE: Across Two Universes
GENRE: Science Fiction
After Paul's mother dies on Earth, his father rushes the family back to the Sagan, the spaceship where they live. Paul's mother was a descendant of Sean Quinn, a legendary 20th century musician.
Dad hurried them until they reached the space elevator shaft. The technician on duty signaled them to get ready; once the door opened, they had only a few seconds to scramble inside before the space elevator resumed its glacial climb. This box had a chemical toilet in one corner and an air recycler mounted on the ceiling. During the twenty-hour trip, there would be little to do but talk.
Cass took a tranquilizer and curled up in a corner, replaying the latest Elvii Twins holo on her handheld until she fell asleep. Once her breathing became even, Paul said, “No one else is here, Dad. Can you tell me what’s really going on?”
Dad sighed. “I just want to make sure your great-uncle doesn’t try to keep you on Earth with him.”
“I told him no.”
“He might not listen now that Mom’s gone.”
“Because of Mom?” Paul remembered the photo Great-Uncle Jack had sent him. “Or Sean?”
Dad’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to.
Paul glanced at the Elvii Twins holo playing inches from Cass’s face. They were clones of a TwenCen rock star like Sean Quinn. Someone had traveled on the Sagan through the wormhole and into the alternate universe to get the DNA. Mom had made a similar trip; in a flash, everything came together.
Feeling as if he’d forgotten his most important line in the middle of a performance, Paul asked, “Dad, am I ... am I Sean Quinn’s clone?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Kudos for sci-fi. Great little read and would love to know more of the world you created.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult to jump into sci-fi at the end of the chapter. Your world-building here is most intriguing, and I love the details on the space elevator and the holo.
ReplyDeleteI think my only criticism here is regarding Paul's logic in asking if he is Sean's clone. I can only assume the wormhole and DNA issues have already been discussed to some degree; if not, you really need to have some background so we know where Paul is coming from.
It's good, and very original! I would keep reading.
This is made of awesome. Great writing. The last sentence is golden. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWow, talk about getting me to read on. I don't know who these people are, and am not yet familiar with the sci-fi terms of your world, and still I'm like, "Wait, he's a clone?? Holy crap! Must. Read. More."
ReplyDeleteGreat job.
Nitpick: I'd read through this (well, the whole book) aloud, though. It will help you catch repetitious phrases and images, like "Dad hurried them until they reached the space elevator shaft... the space elevator..." You could just say elevator the second time around. Ditto the Elvii Twins holo references. Just saying "the holo" would be fine the second time around.
Good luck!
I agree w/ Samantha on reading the story aloud to help with repetitiveness. Google "natural reader". There is a free downloadable program that reads your story to you. I tried it w/ mine. Pretty cool.
ReplyDeleteI am not normally a sci-fi reader, but the world you are creating sparked my interest. I like the story so far.
I love SF with interesting characters, and this looks like one. I'd love to read the rest!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked. =)
ReplyDeleteSome good world-building here! And I love the subtle humor of Cass and her tranquilizer and holo. :)
ReplyDeleteI can see what you're trying to accomplish with this ending, but it's not quite getting there for me. I think it needs to be crisper, less wordy.
Perhaps:
Someone had traveled on the Sagan through the wormhole and into the alternate universe to get the DNA.
Like the trip Mom had made.
Paul felt as if he’d forgotten his most important line in the middle of a performance. “Dad, am I ... am I Sean Quinn’s clone?”
This has real potential!
I'm confused about some of the detials and what exactly they mean - but that didn't stop me from being interested! I have no doubt that everything is explained perfectly in the rest of the manuscript.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have something really original here. Nice job.
Great sci-fi stuff going on here (loves the sci-fi-ness) but I'm a little thrown by the POV, that is, whose POV is this? And why are the characters all refered to in proper nouns: Dad, Mom, Paul, and rarely he, she, his dad, his mom, etc.?
ReplyDeleteAside from that, though, I loved it!
I like Authoress's suggestion about tightening the ending to give it more punch. But beyond that -- and watching unneeded repetition, like "space elevator" on second reference -- I liked this a lot. (And I'm much more partial to fantasy than sci-fi, so that's a good sign.)
ReplyDeleteThanks to all for your comments!
ReplyDelete