TITLE: GRAPE BUBBLEGUM
GENRE: MIDDLE GRADE
“Oh man,” I whispered, staring at myself in the mirror. “What was I thinking?” Clumps of wet purple hair covered my hands and more laid in the sink. I closed my eyes and prayed for this to be a bad dream, then slowly opened them up. “Oh. My. Gawd, my mother is going to kill me!”
It seemed so easy: mix chemicals, apply, wait, and then rinse. Four steps, only four steps. How’d I mess up? My freckled covered ivory face seemed even paler against the rich new color.
I leaned against the sink, knocking a hand mirror onto the floor. “Crap!” The sound of the shattered glass seemed to ricochet for hours against the floor tile.
“Bea,” my mother yelled. My heart stopped beating. “Beatrice, what’s that noise?”
Quickly, I grabbed the hair color box and began throwing in the empty bottles, gloves and whatnots that came in the kit. I heard my mother coming up the stairs. The bathroom air seemed to thicken into a dense tropical forest.
I yelled out, “It’s me, Mom. Uh… I accidentally cut myself while shaving my legs.”
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m going to finish rinsing off. I’ll be down shortly.”
“Well, ok.” I heard her turn around and go back down the stairs.I rinsed the remaining color out of my hair. After surveying the damage, I knew I’d qualified for the ‘dweeb of the year’ award. I couldn’t believe chunks of my hair fell out.
I liked the writing, but be careful of using adverbs like shortly, slowly, accidentally, etc..
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice. Watch for her dialogue - she would probably say "Mom's going to kill me!" More immediate.
ReplyDeleteCould you give us a hint on this first page as to why she's dying her hair? That would raise story questions and make me turn the page.
Poor girl - chunks of hair? Ouch!
I laughed as I read this. I really felt for the poor girl -- I'm sure this is exactly what would happen to me if I tried to do something with my hair.
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought Bea *wanted* purple color, but it became clear soon enough that punk was not actually the look she wanted. *g*
I was immediately sympathetic with the protagonist.
The use of the word "laid" sounds wrong to me. Because of the confusing rules about when to use "lay" or "laid", it always makes me pause and try to figure out if it is used correctly, even when it is.
I *think* -- please double check -- the sentence should be "lay in the sink" because the hair is the subject which lies in the sink (present tense) and the past tense of lie is lay. Laid is actually the past tense of lay, as in "she laid the hair in the sink" -- where she, not the hair itself, is the subject.
Hope that wasn't more confusing than helpful. As I said, definitely don't take my word for it, look Lie/Lay/Laid up and make sure it's correct.
Nice opening. I'm interested in why she's coloring her hair and of course looking forward to seeing how she'll try to cover up or explain to Mom.
ReplyDeleteRegarding comments about adverb use, indeed Elmore Leonard likewise says to dump them, and I tend to agree that they often add nothing. Nevertheless, 2 of the 3cited examples are used in a character's dialogue so there's no problem at all there. Only "slowly" is narrative, but it's appropriate in this case.
My one suggestion is that the main character might not think of her own face as ivory. Maybe just white, or even pasty depending on self-esteem issues.
I think as adults we've all tried at one point to die our hair or a friends hair, but I've never heard of hair falling out. Is that true?
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a great character. I wouldn't need to know why she's dying her hair, because someone that gutsy means there would be more humorous scenes to come.
I don't know if someone would describe themselves as freckle-covered ivory face. It felt like you were trying to squeeze in her description.
Some of the exagerations didn't seem to fit the tone of the story b/c though this scene is humorous for the reader, it's not for your character. The phrases that stuck out at me as being overwritten were: the sound of the shattered glass seemed to richochet for hours and the bathroom air seemed to thicken into a dense tropical forest.
I'm also wondering if the dye stained her hands or dripped onto her arms. It's awfully hard to scrub off.
I'd read on to see how the character developed and what the storyline is.
I definitely want to know why she's coloring her hair and what made it fall out in clumps -- and what her mother's going to say when she sees her (like throwing away the bottles is going to hide the missing hair?!).
ReplyDeleteI think certain things are slowing the pacing down, making it feel more cumbersome than it should. Sentences like The bathroom air seemed to thicken into a dense tropical forest. sound overwritten to me.
A good pruning, tightening up the pacing will make all the difference!
As someone who has indeed accidentally died her hair purple in the past (um...twice, actually), I could totally relate to this. Although my hair never fell out. That would have been terrible! One thing to think about is that she might REALLY freak out if her hair wasa falling out. I mean, hair is huge at that age, you know? Losing her hair might cause a stronger reaction.
ReplyDeleteOne other thing to think about is that I'm not sure that people use the word "dweeb" anymore. You might go with loser or nerd. Or talk to an actual MGer to get the lingo down.
I like your opening-the way you jump right into the scene. And the opening line has to run through the mind of most children this age at least once daily! The only things that kind of jarred me as I read was "seemed to ricochet for hours" and "whatnots." Other than that, I'm definitely hooked to read more! Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteLMAO! I would definitely read on because I'm dying to know why she colored her hair, what mom's reaction will be, and how Bea [cute, kinda old fashioned name, BTW] will try and cover it up. The title Grape Bubblegum is very intriguing given the opening scene.
ReplyDeleteI was pulled out at "The bathroom air seemed to thicken into a dense tropical forest." It didn't work for me. But, the bigger issue for me was the voice of the MC as a tween. This line didn't sound like a middle grader to me, "“Yeah, I’m going to finish rinsing off. I’ll be down shortly.” Not that she has to be full of hip words or anything but kids this age use a lot of what I call verbal shorthand [talk about mixed metaphors! (sorry)] to describe things in their own unique way.
That said, you are off to a great start! And thanks so much for sharing,
Laura
I like the situation you've created. It seems immediate and active. Only two suggestions on the writing. You mention she closes her eyes, hoping it a bad dream and them opens them (up). I would delete "up" from that sentence.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing that stopped me was the ricocheting sound when the mirror hit the floor. I don't really like the "seemed to ricochet "for hours." I think maybe just have it ricochet off the ceramic tile and leave it at that.
Just my 2 cents worth.
I thought this was funny. The voice was great. (I agree with Lisa and Laura that dweeb sounds outdated).
ReplyDeleteI'd lose the adverbs – especially the quickly. Also, if this is hair color from a box, I don't think hair would fall out in clumps. I think the only thing that could make hair fall out is bleach– but then she'd be platinum blond.
Yeah, I'd lose the adverbs, the "seem" and "seemed to" (either it did or didn't) and try to tighten things up, but you've got an interesting start. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHeh. I've had 'experiences' like this.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple suggestions - the opinions enemies, friends, and lovers matter more to a teenaged girl than her mom's.
Another thing is her mom would probably notice the ammonia smell before the 'noise'.
Freckled covered ivory face - seems like purple text. It should be 'freckle-covered' or 'freckly' (sp?), and ivory skin (instead of face), but I'm not sure you need this.
She threw out the coloring stuff, but did she clean up the broken glass?
I've never had chunks of hair come out even during my worst 'do it myself' hair jobs.
Might need a little editing in spots, but I do think this is a good spot to start and sounds like you have a good 'voice'.
Nice job<:
As a cosmotologist I can tell you it is possible to make your hair break off, especially if it has more than one chemical on it. (like bleach or a perm.) I disagree about the smell over the noise, some color smells good. I also have to say my mom's reaction would be my first concern after I stopped hyperventilating and woke up from fainting.
ReplyDeleteA good start, definitely. I agree with a lot of what's been said, i.e. tropical forest, ivory face references. One thing I think could be tightened is the dialog. Some of it just doesn't read smooth. Or as smooth as dialog between mom and daughter might realistically go. But, for the hooked part, I am curious to see what happens and why she got herself in this mess to begin with.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great idea for an opening. I'm sure we've all had the same experience as your protagonist sometime in our life. :) Some of your metaphors like the "bathroom air" thickening into a "dense tropical forest" don't work for me. Maybe you could try "The air thickened and made me feel like I was trapped in a tropical forest."
ReplyDeleteGreat scene to start with! Though she'd definitely be scrambling to pick up broken glass, even before she went to clean up the hair supplies IMO. It seemed unnatural that the broken mirror was mentioned and then forgotten.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is very good for a MG protagonist, except for the I'll be down shortly which felt too mature and formal, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteAlso, “It’s me, Mom. is unnecessary since the mother calls her by name, meaning she obviously knows who is in the bathroom.
Last thing is I think you could heighten the tension a bit by showing us Bea's fears of her mother's reaction a bit more.
But other than that, good job!
I'm hooked and reeled in. I agree with deleting the adverbs and toning down the forest and mirror descriptions. My question is when do girls start shaving their legs? Is this middle grade or young adult? Good first page.
ReplyDeleteI started shaving my legs in the eighth grade. Good question. How old is the MC?
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. I can just see her there with bald patches and purple clumps in her hair. Funny.
ReplyDeleteOne thing though, I thought the voice sounded a little old for MG and more like Y/A. Also the shaving of the legs. It would read better with those things changed or maybe change it to Y/A.
I can see the potential of what can be done with a story like this. What will she do? Whear a wig? or be the class clown? I'm hooked and want to know.
Love the title!
ReplyDeleteA couple things:
* I've read lots of agent blogs where they frown upon starting your book with your protagonist looking at herself in the mirror ... maybe you can think of something more original.
* Would she really say "ivory" in real life? How about pale?
* I didn't understand why her hair actually fell out ... made me think she was sick or something.
Otherwise ... hooked! Fun read!
A really good opening but I think your voice needs work. A girl young wouldn't say she has a freckled covered ivory face. Find another way to show your readers that info. Maybe mom could say it. And dense tropical forest too. Does a girl her age shave? Keep working and good luck. Authorwrite
ReplyDeleteNice story, but I think you could strengthen it and tighten it up a bit. You waste words that could be used elsewhere. Ex. Opened eyes up.—up could go. Freckled covered ivory face—You might not need covered and ivory seems not to fit. You could also lose the “I heard’s” and other such filtering words. Just stating the main thought of the sentence would make it stronger. You could cut the accidentally because most people do not cut themselves on purpose. These cuts would give more words for other stuff.
ReplyDeleteLook through and I think you’ll find more words you could cut to make the read stronger without changing what you’re saying.
Interesting concept. This is a great story start. With the situation you're using, I don't see how you could do away with the mirror in the beginning, even if some people do not like starts like that. Sure she'd be glued to a mirror for a while. If my hair was purple, I would be!
All the little editing points I noticed have been mentioned, so I'll just say.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
Poor girl. My hair is my fav feature. I'd cry if that happened to me.
I agree with the comments that the character sounds more YA than MG.
ReplyDeleteIt has a great voice, it just seems more like a 13 or 14 year old, and then you're getting out of MG territory.
two things- Mom would probably recognize the sound of broken glass. I know I do, even from another room. That doesn't sound like a shaving accident.
Also, if she's dying her hair and she isn't supposed to, she would probably not do it when Mom was home. You're setting up tension here, but it is just as effective if it were internal- I think she would be even more worried/upset about ruining her hair than she would about Mom's reaction. Because even if the dye job turned out all right, Mom is going to notice!
I do want to read on to find out if Mom is going to be mad, sympathetic, or find it funny.
I liked this. There are some things I would like to point out specifically, though.
ReplyDeleteClumps of wet purple hair covered my hands and more laid in the sink.
--I believe there should be a comma between 'wet' and 'purple'. I'm not quite sure, but I think the 'laid' should be 'lay'.
“Oh. My. Gawd, my mother is going to kill me!”
--I think this would flow more naturally/sound more MG just 'Mom's going to kill me!' or 'Mom's gonna kill me!' if you want her way of speaking to sound a little more… relaxed, I guess. Younger.
How’d I mess up?
--I like this better as 'How could I mess up?' or 'How did I mess up?'. The contraction there seems a bit odd, but that could just be me.
My freckled covered ivory face seemed even paler against the rich new color.
--I echo others in my comment here. The grammar of 'freckled covered' is off. I think it would do better as 'My pale, freckly skin seemed even paler against the rich, new color.' I like the repetition of pale, but substituting the first 'pale' for 'pasty' would work, too.
“Bea,” my mother yelled. My heart stopped beating. “Beatrice, what’s that noise?”
--Her mother's dialog doesn't really work for me. Maybe '"Bea?" Mom yelled. My heart stopped beating.'
Quickly, I grabbed the hair color box and began throwing in the empty bottles, gloves and whatnots that came in the kit.
--As far as my dying experience goes, the only thing other than the bottles and gloves would be instructions. Maybe 'I grabbed the hair color box and stuffed/crammed the gloves and empty bottles inside.' That way, we're given the idea that she's doing this in a hurry without blatantly stating it. =)
The bathroom air seemed to thicken into a dense tropical forest.
--I like the imagery, but it seemed very out of place. It slowed me down. And to your character, the air actually is thickening, so maybe 'The bathroom air thickened around me, and (something about finding it hard to breath?)'.
I yelled out, “It’s me, Mom. Uh… I accidentally cut myself while shaving my legs.”
--We don't need that tag at the beginning, the reader knows it's her talking. The dialog is a little stiff here, too. Maybe 'Uh… I cut myself shaving." Her mom would assume that she's shaving her legs, and this was obviously done on accident.
“Yeah, I’m going to finish rinsing off. I’ll be down shortly.”
--Again, stiff dialog. She's sounding much more YA than MG. How about "Yeah. I'm almost done." Or just "Yeah, I'm fine." Much more than that isn't needed.
After surveying the damage, I knew I’d qualified for the ‘dweeb of the year’ award.
--Like others said, 'dweeb' is outdated. 'Loser' is better, but I think 'Freak of the Year' is a more appropriate title. So 'After surveying the damage, I knew I'd qualified for 'Freak of the Year'. would work. It's more to the point, I think.
Overall, I found this interesting. I'd probably read on to see what happens next, but the stiff dialog that sounds more YA than MG was distracting. Good job. =)
thanks so much for you comments. I appreciate them all.
ReplyDeleteBea is 13 years old. 8th grader.
Good hook for an opening. I would read more. But I agree with other commentors that some places could be tightened up like "My freckled covered ivory face seemed even paler against the rich new color."
ReplyDeleteAlso, I was confused about her age because this is listed as a MG. A little young to be dieing hair and shaving legs. Since I see by your comment that Bea is 13, I would list this as a Tween/YA. Typically, MG is 8-12.
This looks like a fun story; I want to read more. Everybody else already mentioned the stiff dialogue and other places that tripped me up, so I won't repeat those.
ReplyDeleteI did want to say that if your MC is 13, I think it's correct to label this as Middle Grade. I've always heard that most kids prefer to read about characters their own age and older, not younger, which means your target audience is probably older elementary/younger middle school kids (MG), not high schoolers (YA). Maybe just call it upper-MG or MG/Tween if you're unsure.
I enjoyed it and think you're off to a good start. I would read on for sure. I agree with the person who said that saying "it's me, Mom" felt unnecessary. I don't fully agree with the person who commented on agents not liking beginnings where the person is looking in the mirror; if she's dying her hair it would be in the bathroom where she's looking in the mirror. My feeling is that agents and editors dislike the more contrived look in the mirror that writers come up with in order to say what the character looks like. But then again, I'm no agent and no editor, so we'll have to see what the agent says!! Good work.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others, and I really want to know why she was trying to dye her hair. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I liked the opening situation--accidentally dying one's hair the wrong color.
ReplyDeleteNot sure that I buy into the fact that her hair would be falling out. That's unlikely if she has bought a hair dye kit.
Careful on the description. I would just say "the sound of shatted glass ricocheted against the title floor"
I'd give this one a few more pages just to see what made her decide to dye her hair and if that answer was enough to grab me to read on.
So just mildly interested.
Trying too hard. freckled covered ivory face seemed even paler against the rich new color....eesh. I think also it's not middle grade, but YA. Most middle grade books don't say "crap" and "GAWD" in teen voice. Just a minor clarification.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that struck me was that no one, talking to herself, refers to her own mother as "my mother." She'd say "Mom's going to kill me."
ReplyDelete