TITLE: Varuna Kannon and the Caluminar's Cave
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Departure Night....Una's departing for her training and has just witnessed hard proof that the Guardianship is real.
It was totally different to see something she read about appear in real life.
"As you children see-" the sound of Elder Era's voice brought Una's attention back to the rain drenched moment "-your locker-boxes will be brought to the boarding area. Now, if you and your families would please follow me." She turned on her heel and strode down the walkway, closing the gap between herself and the end of the locker-box procession.
Una held tight to her mother's hand. Her father came and took her free hand. The walk felt endless as they inched forward with the crowd.
Looking around, all Una could see were rain soaked bodies, ahead of which bobbed the locker-boxes. There was still no sign of the ship.
As the group neared the end of the terminal's walkway, Una let go her parents' hands and pushed her cuff back to look at the time. It was nearly midnight. Where was the ship?
When she looked up she saw Elder Era standing atop one of the locker-boxes. No, wait, Una looked more closely, she's standing on a cloud.
The cloud bobbed gently under the Elder's black boots.
Elder Era turned to face the waters of the Sound and raised a pale hand in one quick motion. The air in front of her wavered in the light, like a finger touching the surface of a pond.
Una's eyes widened, her mouth fell open. "No way," she muttered.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good morning all.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading some portions yesterday, I realized it would have been helpful to mention something:
This comes at the end of chapter 12 (avg chapter length about 2.5k words) and is the second to the last chapter in Part I of the book.
Not that this will help everyone (or anyone), but I thought I'd add it in.
The writing is great here. Crisp and fairly clear. I still don't quite grasp what a locker-box procession is but I'm sure it would have helped if I'd read the previous parts. But the ending seemed really vague to me. There's almost too many questions for me and I might decide not to turn the page. I need something more. Something immediate. Something to sink my teeth into. What's she feeling? What's happening? Just a little more and I think this would have a great hook.
ReplyDeleteI think the writing style here is really nice. I love the line, "Back to the rain drenched moment." I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason it makes me think MG more than YA. Maybe because she's holding tight to her parents' hands. Teens are too cool to do that. Of course the reference to them being children didn't help either.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I started thinking Harry Potter. Sorry. I'm sure it's nothing like the book, but for some reason that's the image that pops to mind.
Now are the locker-boxes in the water? I'm guess this would have all made sense in the words preceeding this.
Otherwise, I like the writing. Good luck with it!
I wasn't sure what was going on with the locker-boxes, either, but that's a hazard of just reading the ending of a chapter.
ReplyDeleteI felt a strong vibe of Harry Potter here, with all the students gathering to go to Hogwarts. I'm not saying that's good or bad.
There's not really suspense here, but I'm curious enough to want to read on. I want to see what sets this apart from Harry Potter, making it exciting and new.
Great place to end a chapter. Now I want to know what the Elder did, what Una was seeing. :(
ReplyDeleteI really like the description here, and I could almost feel the crowd pressing around me and the rain soaking my hair as I read.
I would have liked to hear a little more of Una's (narrative) voice. But, depending on the rest of the novel and what precedes this, it may not be appropriate here. I would just think that a young girl about to be shipped off for training would be a little visibly nervous? Excited? Emotional?
Great job, though! I hope to be able to read more soon.
I immediately thought Harry Potter too -
ReplyDeleteI agree that it would be better with a little more tension in the scene and that it sounds more like middle grade than YA.
In the part where it says "Una let go her parents' hands" it's missing an 'of' of her parents hands.
You have a really nice voice and I like the title a lot. I would would read.
Great job.
I thought this was well written. I liked the voice and the ease which it flowed.
ReplyDeleteI would like to know what is happening next.
Good job!!
I was waiting to see if a ship suddenly materialised out of the drizzle at chapter's end, since we were being led that way, and felt let down rather than intrigued when it didn't happen. The chapter finished a line short IMO./
ReplyDeleteThe procession was a bit 'this happened ...and then... and then.' for me.
There were some lovely descriptive phrases eg rain soaked bodies, bobbing locker boxes and back to the rain drenched moment
I certainly had the feeling everyone was soggy, but as others have commented, I would have liked to know what was going on in Una's mind.
I love this line: The air in front of her wavered in the light, like a finger touching the surface of a pond.
ReplyDeleteBut this line-I've read Una's physical action a hundred times that it can be found in a list of cliches. "Una's eyes widened, her mouth fell open." If you drop it, I think your "No way," could stand alone if it isn't muttered,
I agree that I got an MG vibe from this as well. But the writing is really great! And I would totally read on.
ReplyDeleteI know several tweens who would be interested in something like this.
ReplyDeleteJust a few suggested nits.
"It was totally different to see something she read about appear in real life."
This sounds awkward. It also feels anti-climatic.
"closing the gap between herself"
delete self. Her is sufficient. You also may want to reverse the order. Usually pronouns follow nouns.
"Una held tight to her mother's hand"
sounds awkward. Una held her mother's hand tightly.
"The walk felt endless as they inched forward with the crowd."
delete with the crowd. Not necessary. We already know it is procession.
"all Una could see were rain soaked bodies,"
maybe a bit more description so I can better picture things.
"her cuff back to look at the time"
cuff sounds awkward. Sleeve is adequate, unless you want to get more descriptive. It's wet, so she'd probably have some difficulty.
"When she looked up she saw Elder Era standing atop one of the locker-boxes. "
comma after up.
"No, wait, Una looked more closely, she's standing on a cloud."
more description. What did the cloud look like? Standing is a weak verb.
""No way," she muttered."
delete she muttered. That way we are left with her dialogue. We know she is the one talking, so it isn't necessary.
Good luck.