TITLE: At Sea
GENRE: Young Adult/Crossover
While on a two week cruise, eighteen year old Christina has just met the handsome, well-built Aaron. Inexperienced with men, she’s trying hard to get his attention; while grappling with how far she wants to take things.
“What are you going to do today?” he asked, arm casually draped over my shoulder. His hands hovered inches from my breast, causing the pins and needles sensation to run throughout my core. That instant, I knew I wasn’t playing to catch and release.
I grabbed hold of his dangling hand and intertwined my fingers with his. “I’m going to go swimming,” I replied, thinking about wearing my tiniest bikini – the one I’d never been brave enough to wear publicly. “Do you want to go?”
Our faces were only inches apart. I took advantage of the close proximity, examining his lips and boyish dimples. He nodded, eyebrows crunching slightly. “Definitely,” he answered. For a split second, I thought I’d let something leak about the tiny two-piece. His answer was fast and enthusiastic. “When do you want to go?”
Every vital organ racing, I wanted to go immediately, but knew it wouldn’t pay to be overanxious. So, I successfully slowed the runaway freight train. “Like in an hour or so?”
“Yeah, sounds good. I’ve got a few things I need to take care of.” He released my hand, and then hoisted himself from the floor; rock-hard quadriceps tightening as he rose.
“I’ll be back,” he said, playful smile lighting up the dim hallway. Heart pounding, I walked over to shut the door. I’d need at least an hour to debate the bikini issue.
Miss Snark's First Victim
It's cute and I'd want to read more to learn more about the MC and this hunk she's dealing with. Sounds good, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteNot my genre, so I'll proceed with caution here.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is nice and smooth and you've successfully created tension that should pull a reader forward.
I would axe the word "successfully". It's redundant and weakens the impact of the sentence.
Okay, this is only 250 words, but there's nothing here (including the blurb)to show me that this story is any different from the books already gathering dust on the bookstore shelves. Hopefully you have a strong premise to carry this off.
ReplyDeleteI found the fourth paragraph over written. For starters, the stomach is a vital organ. And you really don't want that racing here. The results might not be pretty. One sentence you're talking about racing vital organs, the next a runaway freight train. Don't mix metaphors.
Otherwise, not bad. I like YA romance, but usually part of another genre (fantasy or paranormal).
This doesn't seem YA to me, but that's okay. The writing is good. I wanted this sentence: "His answer was fast and enthusiastic." to come immediately after his dialog. Chop the tag and put that instead. Then it makes more sense that she thinks she's let something slip about the bikini. Otherwise, I was like, "Huh?"
ReplyDeleteAnd I was a bit confused about where they were. I imagined them leaning over a railing with his arm dangling over her shoulder...then you say he hoisted himself from the floor...I'm sure it would make more sense if I'd read everything before this, but I thought they were standing. How else would his hand be dangling? I can't envision it.
Good job.
I'd either cut the last line or put it under the "Like in an hour or so?" dialogue.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, a great job. I'm not much of a straight romance kind of girl, but I'm sure there are still mass fans of the genre in existence.
Not bad, but can’t say I’m hooked either. The voice feels good for a YA protagonist and the language appropriate, but I guess the romantic angle isn’t enough tension to hook me into the story. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm the first guy in on this. I'm clicking at random.
ReplyDeleteFor me there was too much discussion on body descriptions.
I am not at all a romance novel fan, my comments may be completely irrelevant.
I would have liked to know his name. It starts out with "he" said.
I thought it a bit on the steamier side of YA.
For me the dialogue got lost in the midst of the stage business and thoughts. I had to go back and find/reread the previous snippet when I got to "Definitely". I would change "answered" to said.
I was a little confused about how they were positioned beside each other. At first I thought they were standing side by side, then when the paragraph began "Our faces were only inches apart." I thought they were face to face, but I still coudln't tell if they were sitting or standing.
ReplyDeleteThe description of his "eyebrows curnching" didn't sound right. Eyebrows don't crunch, so you could maybe try using furrow or something similar? Also, your reference to the "rock-hard quadriceps" threw me. It just seemed a weird muscle to be highlighting, not something a typical 18 year old would think.
I'm not sure if I would keep going at this point. I guess it would depend on how the story was before and if there was enough lead in to make me want to turn the page.
Hope this helps. Good luck. Thanks for sharing.
I really liked this. Yes, there are tiny things that need to be addressed--and other before me have pointed them out--but I could really relate to Christina. In fact, I could feel the butterflies in her stomach as she tried to be casual, but flirty with Adam. I would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteMy first reaction was that this wasn't YA. I think it may have been mostly because the backstory wasn't in this section of your writing. It felt as if she was a bit too old for me. I would be interested to see the story in context.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good (agree with the vital organs comment about though) and your last line is perfect, but I also agree there's nothing different; there isn't any tension.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing that bothered me, and it could be a nit, but... there is no such genre as "crossover". None. Crossover WHAT, for starters? Young adult you want to appeal to adults as well? It's just YA. Adults will or won't read it. Books cross over of their own accord, not because you say so. Sorry, huge nit of mine.
The first thing I thought when I read that he was almost touching her breast was uh-oh - as in, uh-oh, this seems to be moving out of what's okay for YA. Despite this, and the fact that I don't read YA or romance, your voice is strong. I feel like this could be a girl many teenagers can relate to.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I also don't see something strikingly original. But, this is only 250 words. I'd be interested to see what makes your story unique based on the strength of voice.
I think you write well, but I want to know how this book will be different from all the other "I'm an inexperienced girl" books. Also, I don't know if 18-year-old girls would normally admire a guy's "quadriceps."
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to see if there's any cool twists.
Definitely a scene most of us can relate to, looking back on our teenage years. I like the combination of her excitement and insecurity.
ReplyDeleteYou do a lot of this sort of sentence structure:
"“What are you going to do today?” he asked, ARM CASUALLY DRAPED OVER MY SHOULDER.
He nodded, EYEBROWS CRUNCHING SLIGHTLY.
EVERY VITAL ORGAN RACING, I wanted to go immediately...
He released my hand, and then hoisted himself from the floor, ROCK-HARD QUADRICEPS TIGHTENING AS HE ROSE.
"Ill be back," he said, PLAYFUL SMILE LIGHTING UP THE DIM HALLWAY.
HEART POUNDING, I walked over to shut the door.
I'm not a fan of that sentence structure. There are also a lot of sentences beginning with 'I'.
I also had trouble visualizing their positions. You say 'hands' hovered inches from her breasts. Both hands? I'm trying to picture that, because only one arm draped over her shoulder.
This snippet is nice for what it is, which is fluffy but not very substantial. I like her anxiety. Loved the last line. Yes, in a romance there is a lot of description of the guy and I didn't mind that. I agree that eyebrow crunching sounds a little weird.
I thought this was cute, descriptive and fun. Good luck with your story. Thanks for posting.
An 18 year old exploring her first sexual experiences is certainly well within YA land - pretty much in every way, shape and form. But...there was a kind of, for lack of a better word, nostalgic tone to this that made it feel less than modern or hip, meaning not very contemporary YA. It did feel, to me, more like a romance novel for adults.
ReplyDeleteAlso, while I think the writing is smooth, the dialog didn't really do anything for me. I tried to think about why this ending was chosen for this contest, and I wondered if it wasn't because this is the precipice before she acts on her attraction. If so, her mindset is coming through, but not the tension of the import of the moment. So...I'd work on the voice and tension more.
So, I don't know if this is a blip in an otherwise engaging book, or if the tone and voice of the whole manuscript needs work if this is going to be contemporary YA.