TITLE: Haunted
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Harley Crown can see spirits. Her ability, and often life threatening job has bestowed her with amazing powers to help her fight to ward off evil ghosts and help the confused ones to move on. On top of her extra curricular activites, there is a war brewing in her tiny town in the outskirts of London. It's vampires and demons against an organisation created to kill them, except the organisation have found a means to rid the world of those blood thirsty creatures for good. Harley is swept into the war, helping her friend, who is the general's daughter, whilst embarking in her first ever romance. Except he happens to be a vampire, and she's been enlisted (with the use of her ability) to kill him.
The chapter the following extract is from is when Harley is contronted with a vampire. He came to town to thwart the organisation, and has his eyes set on Harley as the weak link.
I knew I had one last burst of energy inside me. I lifted one limp hand to summon up the most powerful lightning ball I had ever tried to summon. And then I slammed it into his head.
We were both blasted back from the impact. I hit the wall behind me, and Jesse flew back into one of the trees surrounding us, which unfortunately meant he wasn’t far enough, nor was he unconscious. In fact, he seemed to be...high?
I clutched my bleeding neck, glaring at him, daring him to move. I knew I was fresh out of energy to even spark a flicker of lightning, but he didn’t know that.
“Stay away from me,” I warned him, trying to ignore the fact that everything in my vision was swirling.
“I...you...what are you?” he whispered, shaking his head a few times. He lifted his hands and a few crackles of lightning ran down his arms before disappearing. “Serious head rush. But I have never felt so...powerful.” And as if to demonstrate it, he reached up and slammed his hand through the trunk of the tree he was leaning against.
I flinched as the noise vibrated around us. “I...I’m a girl.”
“You’re amazing,” he whispered. He opened his mouth to say something else, but I never heard. My head slumped, my eyes closed, and everything turned to black around me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Just a warning. Agents are getting tired of vampire stories (the cycle is coming to an end), so yours will really have to stand out to get noticed. The blurb does sound really interesting, though.
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph, your second sentence can be cut into two. I hit the wall behind me. Jesse flew back . . . . It has more impact that way.
Now, what I don't get is that her abilities are giving vampires extra power. That's not a good thing. Makes for a more interesting story though. Did I just misunderstand this, or what?
I'd read more just to see what happens between Harley and her romantic interest who she's supposed to kill (oops! I wrote kiss at first!). Good luck.
Thank you for your comments. I'm a bit worried about the agents not liking vampires, but I've still had a bit of interest on it from the queries. Hopefully there is room for another one! The way her abilities affect vampires is expalained quite a few chapters before this.
ReplyDeleteI actually really like this a lot. I would totally read it. There's great potential in the storyline.
ReplyDeleteI would add more about her faltering consciousness at the "I'm a girl" line. Lead us all the way through to her head slumping.
I enjoyed this snippet, but I think you would do well to try to get rid of the 'I' sentences. It's easy with first person narration to write a lot of 'I did this, then I did that.' Your strongest para, IMO, is the one where you describe the vampire, because I didn't get distracted by the 'I's and because you described him and the action vividly. Try to keep your focus on stuff that's external to your narrator and you won't get sucked into I sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe ending is a bit cliche - I bet you can find a more unique way to convey this.
This story sounds intriguing so far, though. Good luck!
Yeah, I really liked this. I think you could tighten up the writing a bit, especially during the blasting backward part. Like this: "Blasted backward, I hit the wall behind me. Jesse flew back into one of the trees--one of the nearer ones--which meant he wasn't far enough away. Nor was he unconscious." Or something like that.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted the repetition in this sentence to be this: "I clutched my bleeding neck, glarED at him, darED him to move." The -ing form didn't provide as much rhythm for me. I'd cut "I knew" from the next sentence.
I LOVED the line, "I...I'm a girl." Very nice.
I'd read more of this for sure. I likes me a good vampire story.
Good tension and character voice. Though I’m a bit confused how the vampire can punch the tree at the same time he’s leaning against it. Other than that, good stuff. I’d read on!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I'd be much more inclined to read this story if Harley's love interest wasn't a vampire. And it's not because he's a vampire; it's because I don't really want to read another "I love you, but I'm supposed to kill you" story.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think the writing here is pretty strong. Considering the fact that she's trying so hard not to show any weakness, though, I would think she could come up with something a little tougher to say than, "I...I'm a girl." But maybe that's just me.
Overall, good chapter ending. I would probably keep reading if only to see how you handle what Jesse does with her when she passes out. But your blurb and cover would needed to be pretty amazing to have enticed me to start reading in the first place.
Good luck!
I'd suggest having your vampire whisper "What are you?" without the false starts. His surprise and confusion would still be clear.
ReplyDeleteI was also stopped by "In fact, he seemed to be...high?" because I expected him to be loopy. Maybe "energized"? (Or perhaps I'm missing your point.)
The premise sounds interesting. I'd read on.
I enjoyed this. I really like your female character trying to bluff when she knows she isn't strong enough to fight back. Love that!
ReplyDeleteI think you could tighten up some things (sorry if these are repeats, I didn't read the other comments).
The second sentence is awkward with "summon" mentioned twice. I think you are a strong enough writer to clear that up easily.
I like the ending in that it makes me want to see what the guy (romantic interest mentioned above??) does with her. I think it would be even more interesting if we got more of how she knows if she loses conciousness he will kill her. Just a thought.
I enjoy your writing.
I liked the writing, though getting rid of some of the "I" sentences as stated earlier wouldn't hurt. Some folks might be tired of vampire stories, but this was a strong chapter ending as far as I was concerned.
ReplyDeleteOk, I must admit. The premise sounds AWESOME. :)
ReplyDeleteAuthoress asked about books we'd want to read like RIGHT NOW, and this would definitely be one of them. Night job<:
Oops. I meant 'nice job'.
ReplyDeleteVery vivid writing. I pictured it like a movie. However the blacking out is like a deus ex machina-to save her from the scene. I'd rather see it played out.
ReplyDeleteWith the power she just exhibited, would she stammer in her response of "I I'm a girl?
I like the premise too (I'm sorta neutral on vampires; if you do something interesting with them, I'm fine reading them, but I have no strong like/dislike right now :)) and while the writing could use a bit of tightening (you use "summon" twice in the first para, which is distracting), I'm curious about what her powers do to vampires.
ReplyDeleteThe ending isn't as strong a hook for me (I think by now I'm not overly grabbed by narrators blacking out, but I could be just tired ;)), but yes, I'd probably read on a bit.
Good luck,
~Merc