TITLE: Angel Undercover
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Paige and her sister, Savannah, are talking about kyters as they walk to a surprise Savannah has for Paige (she's going to show her magic).
“Ears,” I repeated, “So they echolocate like bats, then.”
Savannah slung her arm around my neck and pulled me into a loose headlock. “Yes, wise-knob, but I’ll tell you something you don’t know. I suspect that kyters can have entire conversations in a pitch above our hearing, which means they could talk in our presence, without us ever knowing.”
“Seriously?” I asked her, shoving her arm off my neck. “Awesome!”
Savannah looked at me scathingly. “No, not awesome. They could be plotting against you in your very presence. Can you imagine what an army of kyters could do with that ability? They could swarm an entire city, like Crossroads, and coordinate the whole time. No one would ever know until it’s too late.”
I sighed. We were back to the old problem again. To dissuade her, I smirked sideways at my sister and tugged her ear. “Hey! Yours are getting a little pointy there, Sabba. Maybe you’re turning into a kyter, what with all the time you spend in the dark.”
Savanna batted my hand away and pretended to scowl. “They are not!”
“Look in a pond sometime then, if you don’t believe me,” I said. “What is it you were going to show me, Sabba? We’ve been walking for awhile.”
My distraction worked. Savannah’s face lost its seriousness and she grinned at me like we were still both kids. “Just up ahead here . . .”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice job here. Good. No essays on grammar for you, that I noticed.
ReplyDeleteEcholocate threw me at first. Don't know why. I know the term. For some reason I was thinking chocolate. Sad since it is only 8:45 am. Anyhow . . .
There really isn't anything that jumped out at me as an issue. I'd read on. You're lucky. This exercise worked for you. So many suffered from Drop the Needle Syndrome. As a victim, I know what I talk about. Maybe that's why I need chocolate.
Good luck!
Hi Number 81,
ReplyDeleteGreat title.
The word echocolate puzzled me. Is it a shortened version of "eat chocolate"? Maybe it's British?
The writing seems appropriate for the audience. I only found one unnecessary adverb, which was "scathingly" in the fourth paragraph.
Nice job!
Donna
I like this, and I like the idea! I've only got a few suggestions.
ReplyDelete---
“Seriously?” I asked her, shoving her arm off my neck. “Awesome!”
---
I'd simplify this to:
“Seriously?” I shoved her arm off my neck. “Awesome!”
And instead of saying, "To dissuade her" keep us in her POV. We don't actually think the words, "I want to dissuade my friend." Rather, we think something along the lines of, "I really don't want to talk about this right now! What else can we talk about?" Put some thought like that in there instead.
Hope this helps!
I loved the beginning of this, because my first reaction to "Echolocate" was to roll my eyes a little, and then to have the next line be "wise-knob" was just perfection. And it totally set up the temperaments of your characters in a great subtle way.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing is that to me, I thought I was reading two children until the last line. They come off as really young, so you may want to adjust that a little, depending on the age of the characters.
The "when we were still both kids" line sounds more like what a thirty-something would say than a 14-15 year old. I can't imagine even an 18-year-old would think that way, but that's just kind of a detail thing.
Other than that, the writing's great, and it's a good chapter stop.
I'm interested and I'd keep reading. I got 'echolocate' the first time, and "like we were still both kids' actually does sound to me like something that teenagers would say/think, though their parents would probably find it ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteOne little nitpick: the tone occasionally seems uneven--"No, not awesome' is much more casual than "..plotting against you in your very presence."
I enjoyed the passage, but I did stumble over 'they echolocate'. Maybe 'they use echolocation' instead?
ReplyDeleteI agree with others about the use of 'kids' - it threw me out of the story. Perhaps subbing 'little kids' would work.
It sounds like a cool tale. I'm all over YA Fantasy!
The only thing I can nit with is I think you could lose a few tags, and I agree with the previous comment about shoving her arm off her neck.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't my genre, but I would probably read on at this point.
I’m on the fence. The character voices are good, but I’m having problems placing the scene. At times, it feels very fantasy-esque, but then there’s modern words and slang used (like “awesome” and “echolocate”) which disrupt that bit of world building. I guess I’d have to see the rest of the chapter to decide.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the voice in this -- the two girls feel real to me and the dialogue felt real.
ReplyDeleteA few nits about the dialogue though --
"Ears," I repeated, "So they echolocate like bats, then."
I think you don't need the I repeated. Since your character already said ears, the reader knows they are repeating themselves. Also, the bit should be punctuated differently:
"Ears," I said. "So they echolocate like bats, then."
with a period after said.
Also this:
Savannah looked at me scathingly. "No, not awesome.
I would remove the adverb scathingly and show us the scathing look instead of telling us it is scathing.
Eg.
Savannah rolled her eyes. "No, not awesome.
Good luck.
I got echolocate on the first try too. I also liked the contrast between that and wise-knob ;o) I also agree with the addition of little in front of kids. Can't wait to read more-I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteKim
This was a fun read. The dialogue sounds casual and realistic except for the use of the word 'presence' (which you use twice), which to me is not a word that a young teen would use very often if at all.
ReplyDeleteEcholocate was not a problem for me.
You could tighten up a few sentences and the dialogue tags, and drop a couple of uses of 'Sabba' - people don't call each other by name very much in a conversation. But over all this read well and was fun.
I must be hungry, because I totally saw e-chocolate. :]
ReplyDeleteThis looks right to me. Nice job<:
The two nits that I had have already been mentioned = "To dissuade her" and "scathingly." Other than those this read very well and I enjoyed the banter between the sisters.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have chocolate on the brain, instead of echolocation.
I seriously need therapy. I got e-chocolate too, and when I was reading the comments and other people were saying they "got it" I was like, "WTH am I missing?? You can get e-chocolate, like e-mail???" Then, and only then, did I get echolocation. Holy brown cows. Sorry I've taken up so much on that. :)
ReplyDeleteReally, I liked this, but I'm not uber-compelled to turn the page and start an entire new chapter. Here's why: For me, I was the MC Paige to see something, smell something, do something that sets me up for the danger, the mystery of what Savannah's gonna show her. As this is, it's just like "Oh, yeah, we're almost there." I need something to make me forget about what I have cooking because this next chapters is going to answer all my questions! And this didn't really do that for me. Sorry!
But the writing is good. The dialog was authentic. I just needed a little something more from Paige to make whatever Savannah's gonna show her more...dangerous. It's a surprise, right? Paige doesn't know what's coming? There's not enough build up to that. They're just joking, Paige isn't nervous at all. I want something at the end to make the little hairs on the back of her neck stand up.
And now I've said it three times, so I'll shut up. :)
Oops, that should say "I wANT" in the second graf...
ReplyDeleteI liked this one—love the kyters! Very cool. The voice is engaging and I think the hook (based more on the summary) works nicely, as Savannah has a surprise for her sister. I’d be curious to know what it is, so nice job.
ReplyDelete~Merc
Like a few others, it took me a while to figure out what "echolocate" was. Did the author leave off the "at" and meant "eat chocolate?" I had no idea!
ReplyDeleteBut since you meant "locate by echo," which apparently is a necessary word for this story, why not hyphenate it as "echo-locate?" Might turn off fewer readers that way.
Other than that, the dialogue read very well, but "scathingly" needs to go. Might as well drop "To dissuade her" as well. I believe that's implied in the context of the sentence. I'd read on to find out where they're going.
love the 'wise nob' that was classic! I also love how you always explain what they are doing with their arms... makes them all that much more real...
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused as well about the when we were kids part, just because I thought I was reading about 14-15 year old girls... maybe you could say when we were little or something?
Now on Monday, I just finally got what echolocate meant. Echo locate. I was reading it as chocolate spelled wrong with an e in front of it, like in email, ebook...
ReplyDelete