TITLE: TRAIN WATCH
GENRE: MIDDLE GRADE HISTORICAL
Cleo & her brother, Otis, are living on a farm with their sharecropper grandparents, and Hattie, their 12-year-old aunt. Cleo is making funny faces while Grandma Jenny is explaining to Grandpa Lum what happened with their neighbor, Miss Ellie, and her well. Cleo had had a run-in with Miss Ellie a while back & didn't like her.
Grandma Jenny, with her back turned to Cleo, did not see the antics going on.
“Boy, you laughin’ at Miss Ellie’s problem?” Grandma Jenny asked, her eyebrows raised, demanding an answer. She wiped her hands on the apron she wore round her thick waist.
“Uh, n-n-n-no ma’am,” stammered Otis. “I’s just laughin’ at, um, Hattie,” said Otis. He hoped Hattie would go along with him. “Her, ah, hair looks funny, is all.”
Hattie stopped stirring the black-eyed peas and turned around from the stove.
“My WHAT looks funny?” Hattie said, glowering.
Oh no! Cleo didn’t like where this was going.
“Uh, your hair is, uh, a might bit hard, is all.” Otis winked, hoping she’d catch on and bail him out.
She didn’t. “Hard? Otis Hughes, are you sayin’ my hair is nappy? I”ll show you nappy!”
“Uh, Hattie, I don’t think Otis—” Cleo started, hoping to resolve the situation, but it was too late. Hattie’d already made up her mind!
Looking around the kitchen, Hattie’s eyes had caught sight of the oak-colored rolling pin she used to roll dough for her sweet biscuits and dumplings.
“Now, now, Hattie,” Grandpa Lum said. “The boy was jes kiddin’ ’round wit you. Your hair’s jes fine, jes.”
Before he could get his last word out, Hattie had picked up the rolling pin and clunked Otis over the head with it. Cleo couldn’t believe her eyes!
Otis stood up, opened his mouth, then closed his eyes and fell flat on his back.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I would read on to see what happened to the boy but you might what to explain why she reacted the way she did.
ReplyDeleteThis is so cute! And I love how you've incorporated their accents into the speech. I would definitely read on just to find out what happens next. I know this is MG, but I'm a little worried you might be excessively using exclamation marks. Sometimes they can be a bit off putting. That was my only fault I could find! Great job.
ReplyDeleteI like the dialect, and I think you did a good job of conveying the scene. My only problem was that there seemed to be so many characters that I had trouble keeping them straight. I'm sure this wouldn't happen if I had gotten to know them by reading the rest of the story up to this point, so that's a minor issue.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked the last sentence and I would read more to find out what happens.
I loved the dialect. I was a bit confused at first, but I think that was, as someone else said, so many characters and only the last 250 words. If the reader already knows these characters by this point, you're fine.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that there's too many exclamation points. Even in mg, you really want to save those for only inside dialogue.
Great job.
The writing is great, and I actually really liked the scene up until the end.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you were going for humor at the end, but hitting a boy with a rolling pin on his head so hard that he passes out isn't funny to me. In fact, it turned a kind of light-hearted, warm and inviting scene into a horror show in my head.
I understand there's a historical context here, but swatting at him with a wooden spoon is much less violent to me.
I don't know. Take it as a testament to how invested I was into the short scene that I reacted so strongly. But if I saw that kind of violence and there wasn't a real consequence on the other side, I wouldn't keep reading, and I wouldn't let my kid read it either.
Sorry. I don't mean to be preachy on it. I just thought you should know the reaction in case that wasn't what you were going for (which is what I suspect).
Thank you all so much for your comments and suggestions. I will definitely keep them in mind when revising. I look forward to (hopefully) reading many more opinions.
ReplyDeleteHeather, I'm so sorry the incident at the end turned you off with the violence. That is definitely NOT something I ended to scare away readers; I was going for humor. In the next chapter (ch. 3) there is a punishment (although somewhat harsh--but this was a different time and era in our nation)for Hattie for utilizing this type of violence. Also, the reason for Hattie's punishment is explained as well in chapter 3. I think after reading chapter 3 kids would probably understand and not be scared off or influenced by the violence as a means of getting back at someone. Thanks, again, though, for your thoughtful comments. I really do appreciate it.
Love the dialects!
ReplyDeleteI caught the intended humor of the last paragraph, and I don't think it's quite as violent as Heather suggested. I know someone who was knocked out by a croquet mallet in similar circumstances.
I think my biggest problem is a nitpick:
“Uh, n-n-n-no ma’am,” stammered Otis. “I’s just laughin’ at, um, Hattie,” said Otis.
I don't think you need the "said Otis" there.
Otis collapsing probably isn't the strongest hook at the moment, but I think it might be if I knew the characters better.
I got to read the opening of this story in the SA contest, and I fell in love with your writing at that time.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it was just a tiny bit confusing at first, I realize it's because we have to start in a weird spot and it leaves so many unanswered questions. I was able to sort it out before finishing, and it all makes sense now.
I understand the concern about the level of violence, but I also know that, unfortunately, many children were subjected to this kind of treatment - and much worse - in earlier days.
We have to remember, though, that Hattie is only 12. She may not realize how harmful she's being, or she may not be mature enough to care even if she does know it.
I still love this story, and am definitely willing to read on.
I found it confusing at first. Upon re-reading, I realized it was because of head-hopping. I thought at first it was from Otis' POV when I read 'He hoped Hattie...'
ReplyDeleteThen I was in Cleo's head, with 'Oh no! Cleo didn't like..'
Then back to Otis, when he winked and 'hoped she'd catch on...'
I think if you tightened up the POV around Cleo, the action would be much clearer.
Liz C, thanks for pointing out that POV problem. I see what you mean and you're totally right. I will definitely correct that. I'm so glad you caught it before I started sending this out!
ReplyDeleteSissy--Yes, you got it! That is exactly how I'm portraying Hattie.
Thanks so much everyone. If anyone else sees anything, no matter how small, please PLEASE feel free to point it out. This all helps!
Of course, if you just want to comment, I'll take that, too! :)
I like this.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of minor, itty bitty things:
In your third paragraph, you have two dialogue tags when you only need one.
I'd also suggest to switch the dialogue tags that have the verb first. (Instead of stammered Otis, it should be Otis stammered.)
Use just a period after "Hattie'd already made up her mind." (Exclamation points aren't good unless you REALLY REALLY REALLY need them -- kinda like all caps). :-)
I think if you drop the "hads" too it would be tighter.
This is a fantastic piece. I love the voice and the dialogue you have going here.
Good job. Wish I could read more.
Not hooked, sorry. The POV keep jumping characters and the heavily accented words makes it hard to follow what’s being said. I’d suggest lightening up on the accented words—your readers will fill in the accent with only mild reminders of how these characters speak.
ReplyDeleteThis works for me.
ReplyDeleteOne thing:
Hattie's eyes <- Beware of remote controlled eyes. Her eyes weren't looking around the kitchen, Hattie was.
The other thing probably has to do with just seeing the tail end of the chapter here. I didn't know where everyone was.
I liked the setting and the characters, but didn't like the dialect. It took me too long to get through, and when I can't get through dialect, I don't want to read it. IMHO, you may want to tone it down.
ReplyDeleteSeveral comments:
Grandma Jenny had her back turned. How did the POV character see her eyebrows raise? Plus, "Demanding an answer" is both redundant and a said bookism. And, of course the apron was tied around here waist. Where else would it be?
First we're in Otis' POV. Two lines later, we're in Cleo's POV.
Plus, the Oh, no! is jarring with the exclamation point, unless this is a children's story.
Then we're back in Otis's POV, hoping she would bail him out.
Then we're in Cleo's POV, hoping (again with the hoping) to resolve the situation. That statement is redundant, btw.
Hattie'd already made up her mind! Please, cut the exclamation point!
Cleo couldn't believe her eyes! Please, cut that exclamation point! Exclamation points should never be used in narrative.
I don't understand why Hattie hit Otis with the rolling pin, just for a comment about her hair. That seemed awfully antagonistic, bordering on Jerry Springer.
My thoughts are that you should cut out all the extraneous stuff surround the dialog and focus only on what's being said.
Then, fill us in on some details to bring the kitchen to life: the smells, the sounds of boiling and sizzling, the breeze ruffling the curtains. The tinny sounds of banjo music coming from the big radio in the living room.
As it stands, I would not read on, but get rid of the exclamation points, said bookisms and add a few sensory details and I might be interested.
Lol. Don’t know if it was supposed to be humorous or not, but I was amused. :P Not sure I’d read on, though, not really my thing… but her smacking him with rolling pin was entertaining.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I liked this and I love the rolling pin. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI loved the voice.
Wow . . . what a range of opinions! Ooops, there I go with the exclamations points. Seriously, though, I really thank everyone for their comments and suggestions. You've all given me many things to think about. For one thing, I will DEFINITELY get rid of a lot of the exclamation points. I see now how distracting it is. And I will fix the point of view--it should only be for Cleo's character.
ReplyDeleteThanks also to Meg for that tip on the "remote controlled eyes." I really missed that one.
Allen--yes, this IS a children's story, but your observations about the problem with the varying points of view were dead-on. That is definitely not something I want.
Thanks again, everyone. All of these critiques really mean A LOT. I now know specifically what to fix as well as what to be aware of throughout the entire novel.