TITLE: One Wish
GENRE: Middle Grade Urban Fantasy
Two sisters (Ella and Mackenzie) wander into a bog and discover an odd boy. Here is the end of the conversation:
Mackenzie had slowly inched her way over to the boy. Before he could stop her, she reached out and wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. Boy sad. She hugged him again, and then looked at her sister, "Boy sad Ella. Boy go home." The Boy squirmed in her arms but before he could break free, Mackenzie leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Sorry Boy." She whispered as she let go.
Ella grabbed her sister's hand and turned to the boy one last time. "You know all she wanted, was to be your friend. She never forgets a face, so I can tell you, if she ever sees you again, she'll start it all over, askin your name, and askin where you live. Why don't you do us all a favor and tell her."
The boy shook his head.
"Suit your self. Come on Mackenzie, he's not going to tell you his name so just leave him alone. We gotta get back to the cabin anyway. If Mom wakes up and finds out we wandered past the swings, we're gonna get it." Ella led her sister away, back towards the cabin.
Once the girls were out of earshot, the boy mumbled, "Seth, my name is Seth and this is my home...now." Tears streamed down his cheek as he watched the girls cross out of the bog and back into their world. Convinced that they were safe, at least for now, he turned around and hopped away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Honestly, I was more confused than anything. I didn't understand why the opening dialogue was like robot talk. And then I was confused as to the pronouns and who they referred to. In these short 250 words, I had no idea what you meant by odd boy, which made it hard to connect with the scene. All I could think of was that he was part frog because he hopped away at the end.
ReplyDeleteMaybe its because I've dropped into the middle and everything would be clear if I read from the start.
I was confused, too. I thought he might be rabbit at the end. I didn't think of a frog. The feeling I got from reading this was that they're kind of hillbillies and Ella is a bit challenged intellectually, and Mackenzie isn't. Those impressions are totally based on the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how the boy got there, but that's because we're dropping into the middle of the story. It's hard to convey what's going on in only 250 words. I thought the writing was well done, so I don't have nits to pick on the grammar or punctuation.
Get rid of the "had" in your first sentence. You don't need it, and it takes away from the immediacy of the scene.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your first "Boy sad." isn't in quotes, which makes it kind of come out of nowhere.
There are some punctuation issues with misplaced commas and bad quote style.
But I think there is a sense of mystery around the boy, which is cool since the segment is from his perspective.
It's hard to follow but like the other commenters said, it is a small segment from the middle of the story.
ReplyDeleteI would like to read more but might get distracted by counting commas. You have a lot more than you need.
It might have helped a bit to give us, in the setup, the girls' ages and a little bit about why Mackenzie speaks strangely.
ReplyDeleteThe punctuation did throw me out a little -- in some spots I had to work to parse out what was happening.
The idea sounds cool and I particularly liked the last paragraph, showing Seth's reaction after the girls leave.
I agree about the commas and punctuation problems, but as long as you are aware of them they can easily be fixed.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that jumped out at me was the boys' reaction to Mackenzie hugging him. At first we get no reaction, and she's allowed to get in two hugs, but later he tries to squirm away. So I would like to know why he hesitated in wanting away from her.
But I also wonder who the MC is here. I thought it might be the boy, because the emphasis in this section is on him. But it reads as though there may be more than one gifted person in this story.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it, however. I am curious enough to want to read more, especially since Seth hopped away, and obviously hasn't always lived in the bog.
There are a few things which I found disconcerting. One of them is good, which is the 'hopping away' of the boy. That really seems odd and makes me wonder who/what he is. But the way the girls act is off-putting for me. Even if Mackenzie is very young (she acts sort of like a three year old) or mentally challenged, it's still strange to wrap her arms around a stranger and hug him tightly, and then when he is clearly squirming, to then go and kiss his cheek. But it certainly might make more sense in context, if I had read more of the chapter. Also - they way Ella talks - about "All she ever wanted was to be your friend." I thought they just discovered him? And it's "All she ever wanted?" And the reason Ella gives for the boy to tell his name and stuff is strange also - because if Mackenzie EVER sees him again she'll ask him again? It all seems strange. But that may be what you're going for. If not, I'd leave the strange behavior for the boy, and have the girls act in a way that's easier to relate to for the reader.
ReplyDeleteThe snippet also needs work on punctuation as mentioned above.
But the ending is intriguing. And I do wonder who Seth is and why he's 'protecting' the girls and what from. Good luck with this.
I liked this. Considering that the reader is dropped into the end of the scene, the confusion is warranted. Don't worry about it.
ReplyDeleteLike one other person said, drop the "had" in the first sentence.
The only other thing I would make sure of is . . . I get the sense that Ella is a chatterbox because her lines of dialogue are long and take a long time to say very little. That's OK if that's consistent with her character and her character only. (Which, I'm thinking it may be.) If not, your dialogue may be a bit too wordy.
I'd like to read more of this. I'm definitely curious about why his boy is hopping. Was he turned into a frog?
The POV feels a bit all over the map here. It starts out in Mackenzie’s, then shifts to Ella’s and then to the Boy’s. Head hoping POVs *can” be done, but it mostly succeeds when in a literary format, not commercial fiction.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read any of the other comments but my first response to this is that I found it to be quite confusing as to POV and who said what. It appears that you have "head hopped" which I've read new writers should try to avoid -- omniscient POV is more suited to pros who have a lot of experience with managing point of view, but I am not a pro, so I'm just passing on advice I've read in my travels. :D
ReplyDeleteI think this has some potential to be interesting from the blurb and excerpt but the writing needs a bit of firming up.
Good luck!
Thanks for all the feedback. I obviously have a lot to learn.I wrote this some time ago when I was still trying to find the voice and figure out who's POV the story would come from. (Actually when I started writing I didn't even know the terms Voice and POV) It would have been wiser for me to use something from the book that was more polished.
ReplyDeleteI should have given more info up front. Ella 10 (almost 11) Mackenzie 14 (but developmentally disabled)
Idapauling
Sorry you found it so confusing. It wasn't robot talk, it was the toddler like speech of a developmentally disabled girl. Had I given more info as an intro it may not have been as confusing.(?)
Maybe a description of the "odd" boy would have helped too. It's in the story before this point - green blotchy skin, sitting on a log, much like a frog...
Michael
No not a rabbit. He's been turned into some sort of frog boy. Most comments got caught up on the same thing - The way Mackenzie speaks. It would have helped if I had specified the ages, and the fact that Mackenzie is developmentally disabled. Thanks for saying you felt the writing was well done. A comment like that goes a long way.
Heather
great advice on taking out the "and" in the first sentence. Boy sad was in itallics in my submission, but it didn't carry over. It was wrong anyway because I was trying to show what Mackenzie was "thinking" as she held the boy, and since I now know the POV is not her's, the reader wouldn't or shouldn't know what she is thinking, right? I'm catching on.
Goat Thrower
Yes I am embarrassed by all the commas. I definately need to tighten up my work. Thanks for commenting.
Liz C
More info on the set up would have helped the readers. If the readers had known Mackenzie was developmentally disabled her strange speech habits might have been understood. My punctuation is poor and comments like these are certainly helpful. I'm glad you found the idea cool. Your last line made me smile when I read it.
Sissy
This is what is so hard in dropping into a story. You are right, I should have shown some reaction from Seth (Boy) as soon as Mackenzie hugged him the first time. As I stated in my beginning comments here when I first started writing this story I had no idea how to decide POV MC or anything, I just wrote. I should have thought twice before I submitted this entry. Thanks for your great comments.
c.e.lawson
I was hoping readers would wonder who/what Seth was when he hopped away. Can I just say that Ella and Mackenzie are based on my own daugters. The older of the two is disabled and the younger is always running interference for her sister. My older daughter is relentless when it comes to wanting to know someones name. If she sees a new kid she immediately wants to befriend them, often greeting them with a hug, and her sister often acts like an interpreter for her. I did a poor job of showing that here. They say write what you know, right? I just have to learn how to write well. Thanks for the Good Luck wishes.
Tulafel Appleburns
I'm so glad you liked this. :-}. Thanks for telling me not to worry, because as I read and respond to these good comments, I have a knot in my stomach. Ella is a chatterbox when it comes to her "talking" for her sister. I know now that I should have given more backstory on the two girls. Thanks for your nice comments.
Lori
Yep, the dreaded POV. I sucked at it here didn't I? I know I commented above, but I have to say it again, when I started this story I didn't even know what a POV was. An idea came to me and I just started writing. Since then I discovered this Blog and a few others, bought some books and am working on improving, but you certainly can't tell from this writing. Thanks for your input.
Writeaholic
Thanks for your comments. Yes, I'm new and I did head hop all over this. I know, the writing needs a lot of firming up. Thanks for seeing some potential here.
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment!
Thank you Authoress for making this happen.
Cass
Yes, I think that giving a little bit more info about the sister and the odd boy would have helped with my confusion.
ReplyDeleteI skimmed through the above comments and the author's response to them so I wouldn't be too influenced by what's been said.
ReplyDeleteI noted the missing punctuation around the first "Boy sad," making me assume this was interior monologue, but I thought it was strange that this girl was hugging a complete stranger. Since she's developmentally disabled, I can accept it, but I would think her sister might want to try to stop her.
If Mackenzie never forgets a face, why would she ask again later who he was?
The POV shift at the end can work here, provided the style is done consistently throughout the story. It did make me wonder why he lived in a bog and hopped away. I suppose I would keep reading, provided I've invested the time into reading the story up to this point.
Okay, without reading the others, I really like this. There needs to be a little tightening. Punctuation and such. Put "'s around the first dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI like that I get a sense of Mackenzie by her talk. I would definitely read more. The last graph makes me really want to read more.
So clean it up a bit, and it has great potential!
Sarah
Need a little editing - like add apostrophes after 'askin', your self. And there were punctuation problems. And maybe some tense issues. And maybe break up the first paragraph (if that isn't a formatting problem). And er... the 'hopped away' in the last paragraph gives me mental images of the boy doing a frog thing through the bog. Which was kinda creepy.
ReplyDeleteI get the one girl is a little munchkin, and the two other kids are a little older. Nice job of showing that with the dialogue.
The other thing is I couldn't decide whether or not the last paragraph was a head hop.
This is an urban fantasy? It struck me as being the exact opposite, since it sounds like it's set in a rural area (the bog, the way Mackenzie talks). However, I'm very curious about Seth, so I want to know more ;)
ReplyDeleteSince it's all just one block of text (I don't know if that's due to changed formatting when it was posted to the blog or not), it's hard to tell the thoughts (Boy sad) from the other sentences.
Also, be careful with attribution. With the part of: Ella grabbed her sister's hand... "You know..." I thought it was Mackenzie talking, although the way it's written, Ella would be the more logical assumption. Then, when the person says, "Suit yourself. Come on Mackenzie..." I thought Mackenzie was the one talking, not Ella, who seemed to talk in much shorter sentences at the beginning.
Clearing that up would help with the confusion, I bet ;)
Why is Mackenzie hugging a boy she doesn't know?
ReplyDeleteWhy is she talking like a 4-year old?
I'm slightly intrigued by the "hopping" at the end - is he some sort of creature? But if he was, wouldn't Mackenzie and Ella have said something? I mean ... a half boy/half bunny is neat.
I'm sorry, but I'm not hooked. I think you need to work on your craft. Also, you use too many commas. Good luck!
Cass, The first thing that I thought after reading the dialogue of Mackenzie was that she was mentally challenged. It didn’t read like a toddler at all. I think you did a great job of portraying that in the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was young, one of my mother’s friends was mentally challenged. We shared the same birthday and we were the best of friends. She used to hug me tight and kiss me on the cheek, just like Mackenzie in your book. So I say, well done.
I loved the ending with the strange boy. That was a good cliff hanger
Now, to your punctuation: About eighteen months ago, I posted my first story on Absolute Write and my punctuation was all over the place. I had no idea where to put commas. I had the same comments that you are getting, but some writers gave me great advice. That was to go and learn. One person suggested that I Google commas, which I did and it was great. (He’s one of this group.) I also bought a little pocket book for English Grammar. (It sits on my desk) And I read hundreds of children’s books and studied where commas appeared.)
While I was learning where to put my commas, (I’m a slow learner.) I still kept posting my stories. I learned so much from all the critiques I received and everyone was so supportive. Then when I was confident enough, I even learned how to critique other peoples work, then I went over to Critique Circle to learn more. The people over there where very helpful too and they have taught me so much. I still have a long way to go, but I’m getting there. So don’t feel bad about posting your work. I think we’re both brave.
Some of the people that helped me are in this group. (They know who they are.)
Imagine how I felt when the first person to post on my work said “The grammar is good.” I felt so proud. I still put commas in funny places sometimes, but the more I write and critique, the more I learn. Critiquing is the way to go. You’re a great writer and you’ll probably get the hang of commas much quicker then me. (I can’t spell either. Thank goodness for spell check and computers.)
Good luck, Cass, and keep posting.
I'll admit that I was pretty lost.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph has dialogue stuck in the middle of it. Who is speaking? Dialogue always starts a new paragraph.
Perhaps:
Mackenzie had slowly inched her way over to the boy. Before he could stop her, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly.
"Boy sad." Mackenzie hugged him again. "Boy sad, Ella. Boy go home."
The Boy squirmed in her arms, but before he could break free, Mackenzie leaned in and kissed his cheek.
"Sorry, Boy," she whispered as she let go.
There is a POV shift when you go back to the boy. Choose which character's POV you're going to tell the story from, and stick to it. Otherwise you are "head jumping" and it becomes confusing to follow.
I am intrigued by the sisters -- they seem a bit "odd" themselves! -- and would like to see how this develops. As it stands, though, I'm not drawn in enough to want to flip to the next page.
Keep going!
No, sorry. I was highly confused as to the POV (especially the switch at the end, which feels like omni, but still kinda jarred me), and the was wobbly for me, and while I’m mildly interested in the boy and why he’s there (if only because I have a thing about random lost boys :P), I was more lost than intrigued (which could be because I’m only reading this one small excerpt) .
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc