TITLE: BAD GIRL!
GENRE: Mystery/Suspense/Thriller
“This is not a date!” Her stilettos paced a tempo on the hardwood floor, echoing throughout his sparsely furnished apartment.
“Well, it kinda is.” He flashed a grin. “I look forward to Tuesdays now that you’re part of them.”
She gazed at him with a detached air, no sign of emotion, like a scientist observing a lab rat. “This is strictly a business arrangement.”
“We could make it a date.” He patted the sofa beside him. “Sit down and relax.” He flashed his boyish grin.
“That’s against the rules. You better get this right or I’m outta here.” She turned to leave.
The rules again. “Wait! I worship you. You drive me wild with desire.”
“And?” A smile played at the corners of her mouth.
“And-—” He loosened his tie. “You turn me into carbon steel and warm butter at the same time.”
“And?” She took three steps toward him, stopping so close the scent of her perfume hit him like a fist. She tapped one of her four-inch sandals.
He stared at her pedicured toes. “And because I’m your worthless slave. Do with me as you please, just do me.”
“Not an option,” she said. “You must please me and you must obey my every command.”
He reached to touch her but she drew back.
She made a little purr of amusement in the back of her throat. “You didn’t say, may I.” Her glossy red lips curved up into a smile. “Bad boy. You must be punished.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Why is she pacing? When I'm on the defensive and arguing with somebody, I tend to plant my feet in one place. Thought most people do that. :]
ReplyDeleteI was gagging at his lines, by the way. She didn't really fall for them... why did she?
I liked the first three paragraphs (although wondered if you needed the exclamation point in the first sentence - was a little jarring to me). I was curious what their arrangement was at that point, but the next parts didn't grab me, sorry.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Are these adults speaking? Their dialogue seems unnatural for grown people.
ReplyDeleteA few other nits:
"She gazed at him with a detached air, no sign of emotion, like a scientist observing a lab rat."
I'd choose one or two modifiers here and ditch the rest. Personally, I like plain old "She gazed at him like a scientist observing a lab rat."
Also, I had to read "She tapped one of her four-inch sandals" 3 times to realize she wasn't tapping them with her finger. (I think because of the "fist" mention just before, combined with the "tapped one of her" as opposed to the more common usage regarding feet "tapped her")
Their dialogue feels a little corny, as though they're reciting lines from something. If this is just a silly game they play, it might be okay, but if their dialogue continues in this fashion, I wouldn't stick with it.
I actually had fun with this opening. I took it that they were playacting, dom/sub style. I enjoyed the cat and mouse game between them and smiled at the "Wait! I worship you" and similar lines because I imagined they were delivered without real seriousness.
ReplyDeleteGuess I'd have to continue reading to see if I was right or not. LOL. I liked their back and forth and want to know what exactly this arrangement is and what the "twist" is going to be here.
I enjoyed this from the beginning. Like Jeannie, I took this as a game, a planned regular meeting, and he would really like to change the rules a little.
ReplyDeleteI will say, I did wonder how much 'playing' I was about to see and wonder how much of it is integral to the plot.
I would read on. Good job.
Overall I liked the premise. I think the dialogue's a little stilted when they're not using what appear to be their predetermined lines.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit confused over the business arrangement aspect. Who's paying (in whatever form) whom? It would appear that she's in control, yet it seems that he would willing do this without a business arrangement. It seems contradictory.
Although I'm not feeling the dominatrix theme, I'm still interested enough to keep reading for a few more pages to see what happens and what the arrangement actually is.
This interests me, but I think it needs some tweaking to really work to its best potential. There are points that could be eliminated without losing any impact ("no sign of emotion" is one that pops right out).
ReplyDeleteThis comes off as a fun, campy sort of opening, and leaves me wondering just what's going on between these two. I would read on.
Good luck!
The dialogue interchange is interesting, but why don’t you name your characters, especially if this is written in 3rd person? Also, unless he’s being deliberately corny, his two pick up lines are really cliché and jarring: You drive me wild with desire and You turn me into carbon steel and warm butter at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI also assumed this was some kind of game and the dialogue was following the rules, cheesy though it might sound. I'd read on to find out what was going on.
ReplyDeleteSo, the dumb-ass macho guy is having his weekly "date" with his preferred prostitute and seems to revel in her attitude. When she slips into the villian at the end, and he into the victim, her line says it all. "Bad boy." Since the title of book is "Bad Girl," it seems obvious the girl is going to be the one to suffer...at his hands?
ReplyDeleteNot what I'd pick to read, but written well, IMO. I don't mind the telling because dialog come in enough.
Somehow this feels like a prologue. I'd read a bit more to see where it's going because it is well written.
ReplyDeleteMy herone is the dominatrix and this man is ner new clent. She's having a little trouble getting him into the game. When someone starts killing off her clients using methods linked to their particular kinks, she is drawn into the killer's game. She has to rely on the macho detective to keep her safe...You guesed it. The untrainable client in scene one.
ReplyDeleteWell, I appreciate the peek into the rest of the story, though I had a feeling that was where you were going. The problem is that I found the writing--not the script, but the writer's descriptions--cliched. Boyish grin should never be used at this point, and perfume scents, unless they are really, really important, shouldn't be described.
ReplyDeletePlot could be fine, but I'm afraid the writing didn't work for me.
SA