TITLE: With A Name Like Love
GENRE: MG Mystery
It was the seventeenth of July, 1962 when Reverend Love stopped his rusted out pick up truck full of daughters at the junction of Highway 29 and Roberts Road. Ollie sat on the back of her daddy’s truck bed, legs dangling and bored already. Her little sister Ellen sat at her side, clutching baby doll Sue and singing Mama’s Little Baby. Ollie noticed Ellen was getting all the words twisted up and wrong – again.
It may have only been nine o’clock in the morning, but the summer sun was already high in the sky and sweating up the land. Fields of soft green barley laid themselves out across the earth in perfect rows, like God had reached down and combed them just so. Ollie noticed a carved up plank of wood that someone long ago had shoved into the dark, southern soil. It read:
Binder, Arkansas
Population 63
Typical little town, she thought.
Ollie closed her eyes and imagined what it might be like if her daddy – just once – drove past this small town and took his family right into the heart of a city. Maybe they’d be able to make a decent living and buy a real, fixed-to-the-ground house with a mailbox, telephone and refrigerator. Ollie thought it might be a place where a girl could get an invitation to a birthday party or even a phone call. It had to be worlds better than cramming into a 1941 teardrop trailer with the same four sisters every night. And, oh – so much better than hitching up that trailer and disappearing down the road every three days. A city, Ollie imagined, was a place of possibilities.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the voice here - very atmospheric. Actually remember this piece (was that a prologue???) so know there is a murder coming. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, I like the names, I can see and feel the place and the family. I can't think or anything to change.
ReplyDeleteOllie noticed Ellen was getting all the words twisted up and wrong – again.
ReplyDeleteCould tighten because of the obvious context:
...Baby. She was getting all the words twisted up and wrong - again.
full of daughters
How many daughters were there? I counted 2 in the truck bed. Her feet dangling freaked me out, because one bump in the road could send her flopping out into the road.
Another thing is wouldn't the girls be getting windblown back there?
I love the description in the second paragraph. And great workings onward.
Nice job. Is hooked.
I love the voice, and the beautiful descriptions. I would definitely keep reading. Your world is unique and interesting, and I immediately feel for poor Ollie.
ReplyDeleteI've got no suggestions for you, unfortunately. This is perfect.
Beautiful voice. My favorite part is Ollie's observation about her sister messing up the song.
ReplyDeletePardon me for being a grammar Nazi, but I think you mean pickup truck, not pick up truck.
I LOVE this piece! I'm hooked by the descriptions, the voice, the setting, everything. I'll bet something scary is about to happen. Great job!
ReplyDelete"full of daughters" made me think of about 15 or so. You might want to clarify it if it ins't that many. ;)
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ReplyDeleteI liked the voice, too. And the imagery is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteBut because you started with Reverend Love stopping the truck, I automatically assumed this was going to be from his POV. I think you need to establish Ollie as the POV character first. Maybe say "...when Ollie's dad, the Reverend..." instead. And the "full of daughters" jumped out at me. I immediately thought, "Whose daughters? His?" It was enough to stop the flow of the story for me, but not enough to be a dealbreaker.
Yes, hooked. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with making Ollie clear as the POV right up front. ;)
I had no problem w/ POV on this piece. I totally got the voice, characters and setting. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteIs this the same story from last month? WAY BETTER! I LOVE the voice with two tiny exceptions: a little girl might not think 'typical town,' especially if that's all she knew, and a little girl probably wouldn't say 'make a decent living.' Those are adult things to say, and the voice is wonderfully not an adult.
ReplyDeleteLovely, lovely, lovely. Deceptively simple. Beautiful voice.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice. Good, simple, concise descriptions. Makes me want to read more. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI think I have read this before but slightly different. Well, this is better. I love the descriptions but I would put them past a reader of your target group to see what they think. Most youngsters don't like to read descriptions of more than one sentence (no matter how brilliant).
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
I think this is one of the stronger entries I've read. I like how you pull off a semi-literary voice, even though it's from a child's perspective. I wonder if the 1962 setting will be an issue with the audience; I hope not--I'd like to see more historically-based fiction for younger audiences, so bravo.
ReplyDeleteI don't get a sense of the mystery until the very end--the fact that they're "on the run" for some reason. You do spend a lot of time on atmosphere and setting the scene, but it's time well-spent.
I like all of this—except the first line. It’s in the Author’s voice and POV, not Ollie’s. Also, if there’s a reason Ollie’s family is moving, maybe hint at that too, to give your readers a hint if something suspicious is already happening. Good character voice, though!
ReplyDeleteOh, I disagree (sorry). I loved the feel of this entry and it appears to be written in intimate third. Her daddy stopping his truck is something that is happening to her - so it fits. Just MHO. I, too, liked the song being messed up by her little sister. Great image.
ReplyDeleteI love this piece because I am instantly transported to this place and able to see through Ollie's eyes. It is a very unique voice that stays consistent throughout, not easy to do in the 1960s South.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read on and want to know more.
I love the voice, and being from the south (and the '60s) it all feels authenitc to me. Clean simple writing and again, love, love, the voice...but where's the mystery?
ReplyDeleteI'm on board with the others--lovely imagery, good atmosphere, super last paragraph. Only thing marring it at all is the confusing first paragraph. You do need to say how many total daughters, and also make it clear that Rev Love=Ollie's daddy (I initially thought they were stopped at adjacent stoplights, and Rev Love was in one vehicle, and Ollie was in another, driven by her daddy.
ReplyDeleteI also thought "Typical little town" might be a little sophisticated for her presumed age.
But all in all, a strong entry.
SA
Thanks so much Secret Agent and fellow critters! Some great advice and encouragement was given and I am so appreciative. This ms has a prologue that helps clarify the opening paragraph...but I am taking the suggestions to heart and will make it better w/ a fairly easy fix of a few sentences. Sign me,
ReplyDeleteso grateful
Oh! How can I forget to thank Authoress? Thank you for this forum and opportunity!
ReplyDeleteLooks like I'm a little late, but I loved the start of your story. I understood the father was Rev.Love, but moving every three days??? Why, I wonder.
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph with all the childen might come a little later so you can first establish Ollie in the group and how she feels about it. Then you can have her interact with the kids, to introduce them. Nice MG story, I think.
Except for the first sentence, I thought this was very well written. Nice imagery, and I feel like I know Ollie already. Hooked!
ReplyDelete