TITLE: OPTIMIST ROAD
GENRE: Mystery
But will I get away with it?
Twenty years that body had been simmering in a toxic soup, peeled down to bones stained brown by shit and piss and waste water that had gone down the drain into the farm’s septic tank. Homicide dubbed him “Septic Tank Sam” and the M.E.’s office had hired a forensic anthropologist, Henry Snell, and sunk dozens of man-hours into building a model of Sam’s face, into pulling DNA out of a molar -- somebody’d gone to a lot of trouble to smash his teeth, but you couldn’t get all the roots unless you yanked them out with pliers -- and sending the information to every city police and RCMP station and every newspaper, big or small, all across the province. Trying to make a big deal of it, whip the public into a frenzy. Mystery body found! Who is Septic Tank Sam? Someone had to have missed him, maybe his wife, his teenage son. Someone must have waited up for him the night he never came home, and wondered, and wanted him back.
That’s what they thought, anyway. They were wrong. I’d waited up for him, all right -- crouched in the cold porch, crowbar ready, blood from my broken nose clotted like snot, the ache in my ribs and making me wheeze. I’d waited, but I sure as hell never wanted him back. After twenty years, I’d let myself believe he was gone for good.
I was wrong too.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like reading a mystery from the POV of the killer. Although I suspect the homicide was justified, who can tell for sure? There certainly will be lots to write about in the approaching flashbacks. Just don't give it away too soon; dribble it out in bits and pieces and keep the tension of being discovered a major force in the narrative.
ReplyDeleteThe final sentence is a keeper.
That first paragraph NEEDS to be broken up. Plus, it's a lot of information just thrown out there.
ReplyDeleteSecond paragraph... is it his wife? Or son?
The intriguing thing (to me) is there is a slight contradiction there. The person must know that the guy is dead and rotten. Why would he be waiting up dreading further abuse/attacks for twenty years then?
I like this POV a lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure you need the first line. And there is almost too much information to sift through in the paragraph about Septic Tank Sam, though I liked all the details.
And the wife/son reference was a little jarring. Since they don't know who he is, they can't be sure who he left behind.
But I'm hooked.
I am definitely hooked. A body rotting in a septic tank--nice. I like the way you gain a little sympathy for the guy at the end of the first paragraph and then blow that out of the water, or septic tank I guess, in the second paragraph. I would comb through both paragraphs for clarity issues but don't destroy your voice. It's riviting.
ReplyDeleteI think this opening has a lot of potential, but I think the first paragraph goes on a bit longer than necessary. I doubt that we need to know the name of the anthropologist here, and while there are some great details in here, the real story starts in the last two paragraphs, so I think cutting some of the first paragraph would help a lot.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like:
For twenty years the body of “Septic Tank Sam” had been simmering in a toxic soup, peeled down to bones stained brown by shit and piss and waste water that had gone down the drain. The M.E.’s office hired a forensic anthropologist and sunk dozens of man-hours into building a model of Sam’s face and pulling DNA out of a molar. Somebody’d gone to a lot of trouble to smash his teeth, but you couldn’t get all the roots unless you yanked them out with pliers.
They sent information to every city police and RCMP station and every newspaper, big or small, all across the province. Trying to whip the public into a frenzy. Mystery body found! Who is Septic Tank Sam? Someone had to have missed him, maybe his wife, his teenage son. Someone must have waited up for him the night he never came home, and wondered, and wanted him back.
I think your premise is intriguing, and I would read on.
Yup. HL Dyer's revision, is exactly how I'd picture it. The aside, in the dashes, tripped me up and the whole first para was too thick with names, etc.
ReplyDeleteBut it's a great start to a mystery. I'd probably read on.
I'd read on too, I'm intrigued by a feeling the killer is a cop for some reason. He has too much technical info about Sam's case to be some guy off the street. Agree it starts too early, and the opening should be trimmed and woven in later.
ReplyDeleteThis is good -- great voice, sounds authentic. I think the one sentence is far too long -- I was almost out of breath as I read it! :D Great hook at the end. One thing -- I did't get the first line. I think it confused me and I'm usually not too clueless. :D I really think the second line is the opener.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
I like the tone, especially the second paragraph. Other critters are right about the first one, but cleaned up it should be good. I'm wondering how far from the murder site the septic tank is? I'd read on but I'm worried about the logistics of an injured person (I thought woman, wife?) beating this guy with a crowbar and somehow getting his incredibly battered body (smashed teeth) into a septic tank without being noticed. If it's the septic tank at the house, I would think they'd know who it was rather quickly. That's my only concern; otherwise, I like the writing style a lot.
ReplyDeleteThis has a good voice. I did have to read it twice, though, and I'm still a bit confused. So did Crowbar Sally kill this guy and shove him in the septic tank? Or did someone else kill him and she was just glad she didn't have to use the crowbar because he never came home?
ReplyDeleteStraighten that out, though, and thin the first paragraph, maybe even just break it up, and I'm hooked.
I'm definitely curious about what's going to happen next.
ReplyDeleteI want to know Septic Tank Sam's story, but there was too much information in the first paragraph for me. I think some of it could be pulled in elsewhere in the story, just inserted in bits and pieces to fill out rather than given right at the start.
By the second paragraph, I'm hooked. Nice work!
Good luck!
Okay, let me just start by saying... I am TOTALLY hooked. Straight up... I want to know more... I love your imagery... you ROCK at that part...
ReplyDeleteI just think you need some paragraph breaks to make things flow. But yeah... I'd read more.
Aside from the first line, I absolutely loved this. The voice is snarky and sarcastic—my favorite kind of characters! The set up is great, tension and mystery right off the bat, and the first person feels natural, rather than forced. I’d absolutely read on.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the first para made me think 'this is a massive chunk of telling' - but I loved the second one, and the third! It's all fixable, I'm sure, keep up the good stuff.
ReplyDeleteSucked in, just as you planned, reading quickly to the end and loving that last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I haven't a clue how to make this better. The first part runs on a little much, but perhaps if you broke that breathless mood it would destroy the tension you've built. Great start and I'd definitely want to read more of your writing and see how that man got sucked into a septic tank after beating his wife/girlfrind so badly. And who would have done it to him---for her?
Confusing and nasty, but not necessarily bad. Certainly get rid of first line; and do break up the next paragraph. I couldn't really figure out the time frame, and what was flashback and what was current. I'd read on, but would need to gain a little clarity quickly, or I'd give up.
ReplyDeleteSA
I liked this a lot (especially since my hubby is a specialist for waste water). I think it wasn't entirely clear where the flashback started. I'd read on.
ReplyDelete