Title: Up Lantau Running
Genre: YA (11- to14-year-olds)
At the top of the stone steps, I take a deep breath. It’s over. The worst seven months of my life are actually over. St. Peter’s, behind me, is a smudge of gray stone. I look out over high rises riddled with windows under a bruised sky and the cul-de-sac at the foot of the steps swarming with red Hong Kong taxis. I clutch the rail of the stairway as a kid in brown shorts and a crumpled white dress shirt pushes past me.
“You’re about to get a pasting,” he mutters, starting down the stairs.
I prod my slipping glasses into place. “What?”
Thwap! “Get a move on, Miss America!”
I glance back in time to see Paul Wilcox raising a school-issued notebook, ready to swat me again.
“Lay off!” I yell, slapping him away.
Paul only laughs.
I stumble forward. Paul keeps up, whacking my head with the notebook every few steps. “Are all Americans as beautiful as you?”
“Shut up!” As I swing around to face him, the weight of my pack throws me off kilter. I reach for the railing, but it slips through my sweaty hands. The sky, the leafy trees tip upside down. The back of my head smacks the stairs, my backpack crunches; the world whips by in greens and grays.
Panting, I blink up at a spinning, blurry sky. I’ve stopped moving. I touch my face. No glasses.
Paul’s voice rises above the shouts and laughter: “Definite passion killers, those knickers.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hooked! I wasn't sure where this was going, but by the end, I wanted to read more! I love the meanness of the boy's comments, and the bit about the knickers made me laugh and feel terrible at the same time. I want to know more about this poor girl!
ReplyDeleteThe beginning was a tad hard to follow, but the end is adorable! I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteI like it. I'm normally not a fan of present tense, but I think this is done well.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I was very confused at the sentence about her slipping glasses. I thought they were a special type that gave her a magical power or something.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I liked it, but I'm wondering if she would have been hurt going down the steps.
Love the last line especially. I'm hooked.
I wasn't very fond of the beginning, but I did like the end. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteOverall I like it, but it was a bit hard to read. Some things aren't clear at the first reading, like the glasses slipping (down her nose, I assume). I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThis could use some tightening, but I would read on. I like your character's sweaty palms and nerdiness.
ReplyDeleteAs an adult I appreciate this, I can't remember being 11-14 years old. I could see the older range liking this but it strikes with phrasing like "Get a move on, Miss America" and "Definite passion killers, those knickers" seem mature for younger adults, I enjoyed those lines though.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading, but I'm speaking from an adult's perspective. I like the Hong Kong setting.
Good luck - AK
I'm not really hooked by this opening. In the first paragraph I didn't realize that St. Peter's was a school. (I thought it was a church until I read further). I feel like I need to get a sense of what's at stake for the MC and although I feel her relief at school being out and I can sense how annoyed she is by the guy who acting like a jerk, these events just feel like things that are happening, they don't tell me about her or what's important to her. IS she a nerdy girl who's self conscious about her looks? A pretty girl who gets unwanted attention from boys? The school outcast? I'm not sure from this. I want to know more about the character.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused as to what was happening, and what the heck and "pasting" is, but there a nice voice here. I'd probably read a few more pages to see what was coming.
ReplyDeleteI will say, though, that I would think if her head hit the stone steps, she's be knocked out cold and probably seriously injured. Consider having her fall but make it clear her head doesn't hit the step hard.
good luck. :}
I'm hooked. I love the last line about the knickers. Great voice. Want to read more. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm also hooked. I love the style and your voice. A definite page turner! The knickers thing was perfect.
ReplyDeleteNot exactly hooked, but I do feel sorry for your main character.
ReplyDeleteI agree that some of Paul's dialogue, while funny, seems too adult.
Love the dialogue and it's enough to hook me. At the beginning, it's the sentence which begins "I look out over..." it has a lot going on and I was completely lost as to exactly where they were.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel a connection with the MC. The first paragraph is kind of an info dump and I missed most of the information in it as I hurried through it to get to something better (and the dialogue was my reward).
ReplyDeleteI think you ought to try a new beginning that gets us more into who the character is instead of describing the landscape and clothes.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteOne thing -> wouldn't the boys be running off when she fell and hit her head on the stone steps?
Ditto that the beginning was hard to follow. There are no transitions when you bring Paul into the mix, so it jarred me out of the narrative when you suddenly popped another character into the mix. It got stronger towards the end of the scene, so I might read on a bit further to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot packed into this. It was a little hard to follow, but some nice description and definitely some action. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOh, I really like this and would read on. One thing, at first read I thought the kid who said "You're about to get a pasting," was Paul, on second reading I realized it was just someone warning her.
ReplyDeleteWell done, though. I'm hooked.
I want to kick Paul's you know what. (Good job on that.)
ReplyDeleteLots of description in the beginning which didn't settle in my mind and distracted me. However, I am not the best at visualizing things, so take that with a grain of salt. Here's what threw me: "St. Peter’s, behind me, is a smudge of gray stone. I look out over high rises riddled with windows under a bruised sky and the cul-de-sac at the foot of the steps swarming with red Hong Kong taxis."
I didn't get why she is happy the worst 7 months are over and then she gets bullied. Seems like she spoke too soon.
I like the last line. That's pretty much the icing on wanting to kick his butt.
This intrigues me! The mix of place description and action work for me, and by seeing the MC's interaction with Paul, we get a small sense of her character as well.
ReplyDeleteI'd be curious to know what happens next.
The more present tense I read, the more I like it. You do it well! Love this. Definitely hooked. I hope you win and SA sells it cause I want to read the book! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat writing, and I enjoyed this and would read more. I had to read it twice because at first I thought it was one of those MC-falls-down-and-goes-back-in-time (the "knickers" and lack of glasses made me think this) but then I worked out that she just dropped her glasses when she fell, and that "knickers" makes perfect sense coming from a Hong Kong schoolchild who is probably an expat Brit. I'd chalk that up to my own misperception, though, and I don't think it's a flaw :-) Great start!
ReplyDeleteThe Hong Kong setting interested me, but the image of a guy physically bullying a girl made me uncomfortable. I think if he's old enough to think that her knickers are passion killers, he's old enough not to be hitting her. (Ripping her self-esteem to shreds, yes. Whacking her on the head, no.) That's just me though.
ReplyDeleteConfusing - I think I'd leave out the bit at the beginning about things being over. Makes us feel like the story's over. But definitely promising dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThis is an intriguing read. It's funny, when she mentioned the worse 6 mo. is over then she's slapped around, insulted, tumbles, lands in a compromised position. What's next. Hooked
ReplyDeleteI loved this and am hooked! I do agree though that the beginning is a little confusing. Could you start with 'At the top of the stone steps, I clutch the rail as a kid in brown shorts...' and then put the rest of the description right after this scene? Or even put the description of the sky/highrises when she falls? Just a suggestion--the writing is great!
ReplyDeleteWell you made me care about your MC... and that's saying a lot.
ReplyDeletePassion killer knickers! OMG I was mortified for her.
Except for the sentence in the first paragraph that begins "I look out over..." which I thought was too wordy, I liked the writing a lot. I'm wondering how this will be different and I'd read on to find out.
ReplyDeleteThe last line hooked me more than anything! Very funny! Overall, I think the voice is strong and interesting which definitely makes me want to read more.
ReplyDelete