TITLE: How to Save a Prince
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Maybe it was my callused hands, or the worn work boots I wore beneath my uniform skirt, but before my first day of classes ended, everyone knew.
I was a charity case.
Shifting my satchel over my shoulder, I eased into the crowd of students that filled the corridor. Even the tapestries on the walls couldn’t muffle the chatter of my classmates as they waited for their next class. I tried to ignore them, clutching my threadbare bag and peering out from behind my curtain of frizzy curls to look for my next classroom. The Teras Academy for Diplomacy and Political Studies was housed in an unused wing of the Royal Castle, and the drafty halls were nothing but a maze to me.
There! I spotted the door between a haze of burgundy and white uniforms and sighed with relief. Safety. I bumped against a tall, blonde boy in my rush to get to the classroom.
“Watch it, scrub,” he said, looking down his hawk-like nose at me with disdain. He brushed at his sleeve as if I’d dirtied it.
I ducked out of his way and around a group of girls, my eyes fastened on the doorway. I could see my desk just inside. Just a few more steps.
Then I heard her laugh. The girl who had been making my life hell since my arrival yesterday.
“Do you smell something, Sifa?” she asked. Her voice was soft and melodious, but it cut through the crowd like a knife.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Oh man, I'm hooked. great intro! I definitely want more.
ReplyDeleteGreat beginning. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteThere are a few things I'd need cleared up: The first sentence leads me to believe this is her first day at school, but toward the end you tell us she's been at her new school since 'yesterday.' So is that how she recognized her classroom door & desk from down the hallway? I wasn't clear on how she'd know just where she was going on her first day.
But great job! I definitely read on. Oh, and I love your title!
Love the voice! I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteNicely done. I'd read on. My only nit: I'd say something like, 'the girl who spent yesterday making my life hell' (but well-crafted)instead of 'making my life hell since yesterday.'
ReplyDeleteThe mc definitely draws sympathy from the reader, being a charity case. I'd read on.
ReplyDeletecutting through the crowd like a knife feels a little cliche.
I'd read on, but do need clarification of the day between the 1st and last paras.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on!
ReplyDeleteHooked. I like this.
ReplyDeleteVery well written - it kind of reminds me of Harry Potter. I agree about the last sentence being too cliche, but I'm already firmly in the mc's corner.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of a school in the castle, and of a "charity case," so I'd read on, even though I think this section could be tightened up.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the beginning, but once I got to the witchy girl at the end, I suddenly wanted the end to be the beginning. Know what I mean? Mean school nemesis > confusing hallway. Hooked though!
ReplyDeleteVery well written, I love what you've done with this. My only thought is with regard to "Teras...Political Studies" - could it be a shorter title by any chance? I like the introduction to the nemesis at the end and how it's brought in. Good work.
ReplyDeleteI liked the charity case set up. It sort of reminded me of Harry Potter too.
ReplyDeleteI think I would read on. I'm a bit curious.
:)
I liked the first part but then it started seeming a bit like a Harry Potter thing and you lost me . . .
ReplyDeleteNot 100% hooked, but there is some nice writing here. I might read on.
ReplyDeleteHow does she recognize the door, and then later her desk, if this is her first day?
**my eyes fastened**--it should be 'gaze' instead of 'eyes'
I liked this. There was a good voice from the start. I liked the last line also, "soft and melodious, but it cut through the crowd like a knife."
ReplyDeleteClarity on what day we're in would be helpful, as the first paragraph made me think we were on our way toward the end of the first day of school, and by the end it is actually the second day.
But yes, hooked. :)
Possible a cliche first day of school for ugly duckling start. Except the fantasy setting saved it for me<:
ReplyDeleteAm hooked. :)
Seamless writing. I feel for Sifa. I see the castle school as the type you board at. She moved in the day before, right?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed her bumping into a tall blonde guy, who snubs her. So many scenes have the hero and heroine bumping into each other. He's typically blonde. There's usually chemistry. The way you did it, is perfect. He's a snot. Who knows, perhaps he'll have an epithy, save the day, grow up...definitly the stuff of well drawn charcaters who draw in the reader.
Oh, so very hooked.
I remember reading this some place before, and I definitely see the editing you've done on it. It flows much better now and the character voice is engaging. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely liking this one. And it's just the sort of book my daughter likes, a character you're already rooting for, hoping she'll someday kick blond boy and superior girl to the curb, or into the moat. I especially like the setting. I'm anxious to hear more about this castle. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice of the mc and the writing! Totally hooked :)
ReplyDeleteMean girl doesn't sound like much of a candidate for a school of Diplomacy, but I'm guessing you'll have some fun with that irony!
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid this reads as a somewhat confusing cross between a prep school Mean Girls and Harry Potter, without the tinge or originality I'd want to see to read more.
ReplyDeleteYou do also seem to rely a little too much on cliche, both in prose and -- I worry -- in plot.
I remember this from a previous contest, and it's improved. Good writing, good voice. I am not sure I would keep reading it -- there would have to be something happening very soon to distinguish it from A Little Princess or other books mentioned by other commenters.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, although the mean girl sounds a bit of a cliche. It is only the first 250 words though!
ReplyDeleteIt's too much of a cliche for me...I feel I've read it a million times before.
ReplyDeleteI recall this from before. I liked the writing, but the others are right about it being a mix between HP and Mean girls.
ReplyDeleteIt needs a stronger, more original hook to keep me reading.
While I do think your writing style is pretty strong, I think the plot is headed in a very unoriginal direction. I've heard this story line so many times. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDelete