TITLE: Control Issues
GENRE: YA science fiction
Good girls don’t walk with boys. Even if they’re Good boys—and Zenn was the best. He strolled next to me, all military with his hands clasped behind his back, wearing the black uniform of a Forces recruit. His shirt had green stripes on the sleeves where his initials flashed in silver tech lights, probably recording everything. Probably? Who was I kidding? Those damn stripes were definitely recording everything.
Walking through the park in the evening is not technically against the Rules. Good people do it all the time. But walking through the park with a boy could get me in trouble.
When darkness fell, another Rule would be broken.
The whir of a hover boat echoed through the trees. In this park, the saplings stood an inch or two taller than me. Some trees in the City of Water are ancient—at least a century old. But the forest is off-limits, and even I know better than to break that Rule.
The filthy charcoal shade of the sky matched the impurities I’d filtered from the lake in class today. I imagined the color to be similar to the factory walls where my dad worked, but I hadn’t seen him for years and had never been there, so I couldn’t really say. People don’t return from the Badlands.
“Vi, I’m glad you stopped by,” Zenn said. His voice was smooth, just like his skin and the perfectly fluid way he walked.
Miss Snark's First Victim
God, I'm jealous of your first line. Such a great way to start off a book.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked.
I'm definitely interested in reading more. Your mc is compelling and you've done a lot of world building in a short span of words.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I was thrown by the tense changes and might stop reading if they continued.
So hooked! I want more!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and need to know what those stripes are that record everything. The description of the sky and how you compare it to her dad's place of work was great. I like it a lot!
ReplyDeleteI love the first line.
ReplyDeleteBUT as I read on, I can't help but to picture Scott Westerfield's Uglies series.
Maybe it's just the hoverboat reference?
This isn't what I'd normally pick up to read, but I have to comment on this because it's so well written that even I might be interested in reading more. You really got me into the setting and the situation and I can see the girl and her escort. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't what I'd normally pick up to read, but I have to comment on this because it's so well written that even I might be interested in reading more. You really got me into the setting and the situation and I can see the girl and her escort. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThis went in under anonymous, too.
I'm absolutely fascinated by this. I don't like sci fi as a general rule but for this I'm willing to abandon that for an hour or two. I like that Rule is capitalized, setting it apart as something different than an everyday stricture. The voice here is a little adult for a YA but you know what, I don't really care much about that either. This is just a great start.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteI like this but just have a couple of pickies.
1. a Forces recruit...I'd loved to know what Force.
2. Your world building could be stretched over 5 to 10 pages. Why not focus on the boy/girl relationship a little more and save some of the surroundings and story line for when it's daylight and she's not pre-occupied be mister perfect?
I'm also very much reminded of the Uglies series. Like that series, which really resonated with me, you've got a great handle on describing the unique world without overdescribing it. Still, I wonder if it's just too similar?
ReplyDeleteThe part I loved the best was right at the beginning... the Good girls versus her thinking the word damn. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first two paragraphs and felt that they were very strong. After that though, it felt like a lot of backstory, etc was being thrown in without any apparent relevance. Do we need to know where her dad works? No. We need to know about Zenn and why she is walking with him and risking breaking rules.
ReplyDeleteYou've got a great voice. The first page is precious space. Make sure each and every thing you put in it is important.
:)
Nice voice, and a great start, but as it went on it lost some steam for me. I'd probably read another page or two, but the tenses would have to even out , and the MC become more clear, to hook me.
ReplyDeleteI think a better title might be a good idea. This one didn't work for me. However, the writing is very good, with a strong voice and nice description. I am happy to see YA SF and would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. You've piqued my interest hinting at things like Rules and Badlands.
ReplyDeleteMore, please :)
Not entirely hooked, but only because it's not a genre I usually read.
ReplyDeleteOne thing was while you did a great job with the setting, I couldn't get a strong idea of the protagonist.
I liked the opening and closing paragraphs very much, but the middle parts felt like they were dragging. Any way the rest of those infodumpy details can be woven into latter parts of the story? The action/plot is happening with Zenn, not in the world building, so I'd say focus on the former for now, and the latter will come along as needed.
ReplyDeleteI think this is very well written, and well paced. You've done a good job of setting up this world and society. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteKind of like the way this is going; would have loved it as a teen!
ReplyDeleteI love the voice in this, however, with world building comes the dreaded info dump. I love scifi, so I think you did well in weaving it in for the most part, but there is some repetition.
ReplyDelete"But walking through the park with a boy could get me in trouble." I think this repeats your great opening line and takes away a little from it's bang factor.
"just like his skin and the perfectly fluid way he walked." this is imagery you already allude to when you talk about his military walk in the first graph.
I too think it sounds a little like the Uglies, but this is well written and I'd read on :)
I really like this and want to read more. The voice is great and I like your MC.
ReplyDeleteBut there are a few spots where I feel like you are trying to force in backstory.
For instance:
**In this park, the saplings stood an inch or two taller than me. Some trees in the City of Water are ancient—at least a century old. But the forest is off-limits, and even I know better than to break that Rule.**--This confused me because I thought she was already breaking that rule, then I had to re-read to figure out she's in the park, not the forest. And it doesn't make sense to me why she's even mentioning the forest at all. Maybe another sentence or phrase in here would help it fit more logically. Something like: But I'd never walked among those trees because the forest is off-limits...
And then the next paragraph about the factory walls and the dad seemed even more forced. Although it does raise a nice story question, so maybe you should just ignore me and keep it. But maybe have something in her conversation with Zenn lead to her thinking of her dad, so it flows more logically. I'm not sure the color of the sky is enough to bring on this thought tangent.
I definitely like this. I might worry if it's too similar to another project I'm currently working on, but that wouldn't stop me from asking to see more. I like how the title speaks directly to Vi's thoughts about the Rules.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
I really enjoyed this and wish I could read more! Great job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a big fan of sci fi, but I'm hooked on this one (it helps it's YA). I think it was the first two sentences that did it for me. And, "But walking through the park with a boy could get me in trouble," cemented the deal. Love the voice and the descriptions.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Love it, really intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot - the writing is so smooth. But one problem I have - if she's breaking the rules, isn't Zenn? And if he's a Forces recruit, wouldn't this be an even bigger problem for him? Other than that, I really liked this.
ReplyDeleteHooray! I wish I were an agent so I could say, "Send it to me now."
ReplyDeleteOoo, I like this. I would definitely read more. Hooked!
ReplyDelete