TITLE: Dragons Beginning
GENRE: YA Fantasy-Adventure
Concentrate. Feel the magic. Control it.
The words came back to me, repeating in my head. I wanted to scream in frustration at the firepit in front of me. My knees hurt from the packed dirt, but moving to the other side where the wooden floor began wouldn’t help. I’d get splinters too, instead of only bruises. The door opened behind me and my mother bustled in. Her flowery perfume hit me first, then the soft sound of her slippers on the wood.
I cringed. Hours had passed since she’d left, and yet, there was still no fire burning to cure the herbs. My magic would not respond today.
My mother, Adrial – the most powerful sorceress in all the land of Drakos Dnal – just put her basket on the counter and walked over to me. Her cool hand brushed the back of my neck, pushing my hair into order. “It’s all right,” she said.
“My grand sorcerer magic is never going to come.”
“Robby, what have I told you?” she walked around the firepit, facing me across the wood.
Hanging my head, I mumbled the answer. “The longer it takes, the more powerful I’ll be.”
“That’s right.” She turned back to the table, unpacking the herbs and flowers she’d gathered in the meadows a little way from our house.
I turned back to the wood in the firepit, staring hard. If I couldn’t get the fire started with my magic, maybe I could glare it into combustion.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is not my genre, but I think it's a compelling start. The relationship between Robby and his mom (I assume Robby is a "he") and the question of when and if his powers will arrive are great hooks. I also get a good sense of Robby and Adrial's personalities in a short amount of space. Good work. Best of luck!
ReplyDeletePretty good. I'd keep reading. Though, maybe get in there that its a boy, because I was picturing a girl, so it surprised me when the mom called him Robby.
ReplyDeleteWhy does he have such an American name, while she has a magical name like Adrial. No wonder he can't do magic. :)
Lost my whole crit trying to go back to look. Well, here goes again. I love the title. I also love the voice of the young caretaker, not by his choic of course.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I'd do is drop the dark from furry chest because you've said silver whiskers and gray cheeks, so don't confuse me with dark. Got the picture okay.
Another thing I'd do is, drop the whole "What?" line and add next line to "Finkus?" Then, insert in Fincus's line, after 'sighed', the part of him being tired of the whole dying routine.
Nice work. Whatever the story is, kids of MG age will love it, I think. I suspect you'll make it something that relates to their lives. Good luck.
I liked this. The opening was nice with detail and opened story questions. I would continue to read.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but a comment to Holey Cheese got in this space somehow. Please ignore it. Don't know how to delete it.
ReplyDeleteNow for yours. All this fantasy has gotten to be too much for me, but this is written well and will probably appeal to girls of the right age. You describe the scene well and I got a good picture of the mother and daughter relationship and the girl's frustration with growing up and becoming proficient at an adult task. Got the feeling you're the mother, though, so be sure she doesn't be too strong.
I like the feel of this, so while I wasn't totally hooked, I'd read on, just because of the voice you have going here!
ReplyDeleteI love the mother/son (sorcerer) interplay, perhaps not his name Robby...couldn't it be something weird. Is Dragons Beginning...Dragons' Beginning??
ReplyDeleteAfter My grand s is never going to come, seems a perfect place for a little interior monologue, perhaps about the number of attempts or years?!
So hooked.
Hooked. Their relationship comes across well, and I love the last line about glaring the fire into combustion.
ReplyDeleteI love your last line. It would keep me reading. I just wasn't quite hooked. And I don't know why so I can't pinpoint anything for you but I think it has to do with the first paragraph. The first three sentences are great, then it fell a little flat for me. You don't use passive sentences so I can't really explain why. Sorry!
ReplyDeleteThe overall premise is very interesting, I like the idea of growing into your powers and the frustration of not having them yet. Very identifiable.
Good luck!
I really didn't feel much of a pull until the last line: maybe I could glare it into combustion. I'd love more of that voice, and I think if you had it, it would differentiate you.
ReplyDeleteI too liked the last line. When the main character first mentioned the firepit, for some reason, I pictured a fire in it. Maybe add 'cold' to firepit? Maybe it was just me.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first line too.
I'm not huge into fantasy, but I'd probably read on to see what happens with the fire. I kind of imagine the mom lighting it with a flick of her wrist.
:)
This didn't hook me, but I'd probably read another page or two to see whether this incarnation of wizardkind was fresh and interesting. Also, in a couple places the tenses went back and forth, and that made me stumble. But overall it has a nice tone and I would read on for a bit. good luck.
ReplyDeleteSorry... I'm being nitty about names today.
ReplyDeleteAdrial made me think she was a cross between a painkiller and a mermaid (advil + arial).
I do love this though, and am hooked<:
Agree with above comments, I really like the "glare it into combustion." line. Added a bit of dry humor to the tension of the situation.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion, you probably don't need the "I'd get splinters too..." line because we can gather that from the previous sentence about the wooden floor. It seems redundant.
Not my genre, but I'd probably read to the end of the chapter before I decided either way.
I'm hooked. I love the last sentence. Great job!
ReplyDeleteBTW. I like the splinters part because it shows the floor is rough. Smooth wood doesn't cause splinters.
I love the name Adrial. Sound magical. Robby--not so magical. Is that a hint?
I definitely liked this. Good set up of the conflict and character. My only main nitpick is that the voice feels more MG to me than YA.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Nice sense of frustration and introduction of the situation. Neatly done.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the last line about glaring it into combustion. What I find confusing is exactly what the magic is - to focus the mind? I am semi-hooked, because I tend to be on alert with wizard stories. But this doesn't feel Harry Potter-esque to me, it has a more earthy, villagelike feel.
ReplyDeleteI too liked the last line and wanted to see more of this voice. Also, I assumed, after the mom brushed her hair back that Robby was a girl. I also wished we knew she was trying to start the first in that first graph.
ReplyDeleteAnd I sort of liked the name Adrial :)
Again, this feels like something I've seen roughly a billion times before. A couple particular phrases also tripped me up: "Her flowery perfume hit me first, then the soft sound of her slippers on the wood." I got distracted thinking about the speed of sound, versus how quickly scent travels. Also "My grand sorcerer magic" feels like extraneous adjective use.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
It's interesting that this isn't the only one of these which are about someone waiting desperately for their magic to begin - which makes me think it's a bit of a cliche.
ReplyDeleteHowever I quite likesd the writing, especially if Robby is a girly boy with a strong mother. That's what interested me. If it's a girl then I'm less interested.
I was slightly hooked by the end, but I don't think the beginning is as strong as it could be. I like the first line, but then I think you could cut/condense the next paragraphs to get to the dialogue with the mother faster. If you want to keep it, maybe you could move the description of the sore legs, the floor and the mother's smell to the next page. Also, except for the name Robby, I thought your MC was a girl, so you may want to clarify that right away if you can.
ReplyDeleteRather than hooking me, your first paragraph pretty much turned me off on this one. Feels WAY too cliche, as several other commenters have mentioned.
ReplyDeleteI like this and would read further.
ReplyDeleteliked, but not especially pulled into it
ReplyDeleteI did a quick search on dragons once because I had a nice cooperative writingdragon project going. The sheer number of books that showed up was overwhelming.
I think it would take a powerful upfront opening showcasing the reasons this dragon book is different. Sort of a 'why my twist is interesting' right up front.
This is with no peeking at other comments
ReplyDeleteI loved the opeing line, but I found the paragraph after it a bit clunky. I also wondered about the scent arriving before the sound of the mother arriving, which pulled my out of the narrative for some reason.
I liked the dialogue and implied relationship between Robby and ?his mother - and would like to see where this goes.
Good luck
This doesn't hook me because I'm sure he'll (? - if it's a female I think it should be Robbie)get his powers (the description sounded awkward to me) so I'm not sure what's interesting about this. Perhaps with more of the story it would pick up, so I'd read a couple of pages.
ReplyDelete