TITLE: SPIN
GENRE: Women's Fiction
The 1920’s Hollywood-style Spanish Colonial sits abandoned, waiting for me to pick up its final inhabitant. The moving trucks are gone, Pepsi cans and discarded cardboard litter the yellowing lawn. I crack open the heavy wood door and am met with remnants of unhooked electronics, dangling wires like an octopus on the losing end of a fight with a shark. Scuffs on the exposed walls make me want to retrieve a paintbrush and touch up the paint.
“Claire?” I call into the silence, the house seems so much larger unfurnished. “Claire? Are you in here?”
I step into the empty house, running my fingers across the dusty walls, leaving behind a road of my travels. No one’s bothered to vacuum the floor since the furniture was removed and Styrofoam popcorn litters the Berber carpet. Deep indents mark the floor where her furniture once lived and light from the curtain-less window floods the room. I walk to the back of the house, crunching across packing material, and peek out the window overlooking the pool. Light filters through the dirty glass as I squint my eyes to block the sun’s sharp rays.
A solitary figure sits by the pool, smoking a cigarette, an empty martini glass on a table next to the only remaining chair. Her Christian Louboutins dangle over the edge of her chair, above the pool, precariously close to the water. She’s wearing a one-piece swimsuit embellished with so much metal if she tried to swim she’d drown.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is interesting, I would definitely read on. Love the line about the bathing suit with so much metal she'd drown if she tried to swim.
ReplyDeleteI agree that I love the last line. I would definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteI am hooked. Intrigued.
ReplyDeleteLast line is the best!
sf
Love the last sentence - and last graf - so I'd read on. It's a bit too much set up before that, for my taste. I like to know something and/or someone right away, and we have tangible info, imo, at the end.
ReplyDeleteI can so picture that swim suit!!
You have a lot of promising description, but some of it is a little clunky. Maybe reading it out loud might help to smooth it out? Two specific examples I tripped over were:
ReplyDelete"I crack open the heavy wood door and am met with remnants of unhooked electronics, dangling wires like an octopus on the losing end of a fight with a shark."
"I step into the empty house, running my fingers across the dusty walls, leaving behind a road of my travels."
Also, watch the run-on sentence in the second paragraph.
I am definitely interested in these characters, though, and would read on. Like I said, you have very promising description. Just smooth it out and you'll have a winner here, imho. :)
Good luck!
The description is beautiful here, I can totally see this sad old house, and the last paragraph is fantastic, what a great picture. I think you could tighten this just a touch, but otherwise, totally hooked!
ReplyDeleteYou have some very good description, but there's a bit too much of it. Three straight paragraphs. Try to break it up with some inner dialogue so we get more of an instant sense of who the MC is and what she's doing.
ReplyDeleteThis entry emphasizes the setup of a location, rather than character, and I think it does it well. Some of the description is a little overdone -- the idea of running your fingers along a wall is a nice image, but if you actually did it, you'd take a rather circuitous path through a house.
ReplyDeleteThe repeated emphasis on the mess, and the MC's desire to touch up the scuffed paint speaks to an obsessive cleanliness vibe, and I concur with the above commenters -- the last graph is a nice hook!
I'd definitely be curious to know more.
Too much description on the state of the house. Love the line about the swimsuit. I'd like to get a little more sense of where the scene is going.
ReplyDeleteI think the writing is strong enough to carry this opening without a big action scene. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Stephanie, the writing is strong. My only problem with this is not knowing who the narrator is...male or female? I'd also tighten a few of the sentences like this one:
ReplyDeleteNo one’s bothered to vacuum the floor since the furniture was removed and Styrofoam popcorn litters the Berber carpet. Make it two sentences.
And transpose--and thighten--this one:
Deep indents mark the floor where her furniture once lived and light from the curtain-less window floods the room.good luck!
Some of the description is nice, but a bit too much for my personal taste. The repeated emphasis on the messy house started to feel redundant to me. And I would have liked some idea of who the main character is. The last line is good though, and I might read on just because of that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, 1920s should not have an apostrophe.
You had me hooked with Christian louboutins. (I love them) but I would suggest elaborating on what they look like.
ReplyDeleteI wish we got more insight into the narrator, who feels so distant from the story. I agree the writing could be tighten a bit more and maybe more internal monologue or something to break up the heavy descriptions of place.
I also love the last line, about the swimsuit. I think the description needs to be tightened up a bit; like others, I tripped over some of the phrasing. I wonder about this woman who sits by an empty house but left out a martini glass!
ReplyDeleteI am interested in the set up, in who these women (I felt the voice was female) are, but the set does last a little long before I get there. And if I picked it up in a bookstore or library, I'm not sure I'd get to that interest in the people.
ReplyDeleteBut the writing is nice and I would probably read a few more pages to see what is going on.
I would read on. My crits resonate with the others here. Plus, I thought it odd that during the midst of moving someone would breakaway, throw on a fancy swimsuit, and lounge by the pool while everyone else is working. But maybe that was the character set up for a spoiled woman. Either way, I liked it.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this - great job! I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteYou have a real talent for beautiful description! Like others, my personal taste is a little less, however, I do like the last graph and the voice of the mc.
ReplyDeleteHilarious image of the woman at the pool. Not only do I want the back story on why her house is abandoned, I want to hear what the cigarette smoking, metallic swim suit wearing, martini drinking woman has to say for herself.
ReplyDeleteDitto with all of the above. Your voice kept me reading and I even got a laugh at the end. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteKinda description heavy - but! I love the humor in this. Nice job. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis hooked me. I like your description, especially the line about the octopus. Claire sounds fascinating and I would read on to find out more.
ReplyDeleteThe setting and Claire's description has got me hooked. Doesn't say too much, no avalanche of back story, but you already know that this one's going to be juicy. Decadence, excess, perhaps a doomed, glamorous woman...
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteWhy do I care if she is picking someone up? You know?
I like the way you describe things--like the wires--and the details are good, but there were so many and no real story for me to hook my teeth into, I wasn't yet hooked.
250 words is not enough!
:)
The writing is good, but all the description here makes it feel a bit overwritten at points (like the part about the lawn). Plus, I think the hook could be stronger. Get us to Claire sooner and into the “question” you’ll pose to your readers.
ReplyDeleteLike the writing, not sure I get why she calls the house abandoned when she knows Claire's in there. I'd cut back on the desription of )(moving house) mess and hint at what's going on with the people more. Metal - drowning her bugged me (sink?) Maybe just me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it.
Thank you to everyone who has come by so far to comment! It's funny how on the word doc it doesn't look so description heavy, it just looks like a few paragraphs at the beginning of a book. I appreciate the feedback.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments - I've been having fun reading everyone's work!
I loved the last paragraph... but too much description in the beginning..
ReplyDeleteClear and nice writing, with good description and a wonderful image of the woman in heels and a swimming costume outside an empty house. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI liked this but the first sentence did bug me - abandoned house but picking up the final inhabitant? Easily fixed (unless it's just me - I've not read others before doing my own). I liked the descriptions and loved the bathing suit sentence. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteLovely writing style. As the others said, a bit heavy on the description for first two paragraphs. Tighten up and fix the little inconsistencies (abandoned house, last inhabitant). Nice turns of phrase and last line. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked the last line too but felt there was a missing word
ReplyDelete'so much metal (that) if she tried to swim she’d drown.'
I agree with the comments about too much description. If that were pared down it would be much stronger.
...and who is Claire to the MC? Why do we care?
Good lead, really good specifics, and present tense helps take us in right away. I'd read more!
ReplyDeleteTwo minor quibbles:
1) commas in the third graf. Some places you needed them and didn't have 'em.
No one’s bothered to vacuum the floor since the furniture was removed [I wanted a comma here] and Styrofoam popcorn litters the Berber carpet. Deep indents mark the floor where her furniture once lived [and here] and light from the curtain-less window floods the room.
2) the phrase "the house seems so much larger unfurnished" threw me off. I thought it would read more smoothly if you used it to replace "empty house" (which is really the same idea) in the next graf.
Honestly, I didn't think I was going to like this until I got to the last paragraph. The first three are a little wordy, but they do set up a good image that really only worked for me when I read the last part. Whether that's good or bad I can't decide. I would read on to find out more.
ReplyDelete