TITLE: Every Dog Has His Day
GENRE: Women's Fiction
I’ve always envied the way dogs live in the moment. They don’t dwell on the injustices of the past or the uncertainties of the future. They don’t worry about whether their water bowl is half empty or half full. It’s an attitude worthy of emulation. At least, that’s what I told myself when I got involved with Asher against my better judgment.
The first time I called was only a few days after my downfall, when it was inevitable that my family would soon learn I was Unemployed, but before I had the courage to make the confession. With each digit I dialed, I set aside my still-bleeding ego, the what ifs that couldn’t change history, the self-flagellation of failure. With canine determination, I shed the anxiety over how long my severance package would last, how I’d find another job in this market, how I’d pick up the pieces.
He answered the phone like he’d been expecting me, in a way that made me wonder if I’d always wanted to call him. That was Asher’s charm, or maybe just my insecurity.
“This is Jennifer – Jennifer Weisman - from the Acquisitions Department,” I said. But that wasn’t my identity anymore. Disoriented, I stumbled ahead. “Well, I…I used to be…You might remember me from…”
“I know who you are,” he said, in a voice that a phone sex operator would envy. It melted away my nervousness about calling, my self-consciousness about contacting someone from the office. He brought me into the moment.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd need to read more to see how the dog theme fits - or if Jennifer just compares things to dogs throughout the novel. Being compared to a dog is derogatory (and I love dogs!) - so it made me wonder a bit.
ReplyDeleteShould the title be "Every Dog Has Her Day?"
I like the flow and think you can even make it stronger with a bit more action "I called" instead of "The first time I called was..."
I also think it can be tightened up quite a bit - but that you have the elements here to do it well.
Great premise, but I'm a little confused. In the first paragraph, you say ... I got involved with Asher against my better judgment. You go on to say "the first time I called.." Then, the last paragraph, I'm guessing, is their first real conversation. It's just a bit confusing, so you might want to clarify a bit more. Also, I'm not sure what "He brought me into the moment" means. I sense a great relationship brewing, though!
ReplyDeleteI like the opening paragraph but the rest made my eyes glaze over. It's too much exposition and you don't really get to the point. I'm not even sure what the story is about.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how the dog theme will carry throughout the novel, too. I think it might work well, after your strong first paragraph, to skip directly to the fourth paragraph, with Jennifer's phone call. Perhaps the most important parts of intervening exposition can be woven into the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm hooked! Nice writing. What's it all about, this call? Want to find out. Will read on.
ReplyDeleteI like the dog reference, and hope it continues through the book, but agree there is a little confusion between paragraphs. I like Emily R's suggestion from above. I'd keep reading. Good luck.
ReplyDelete"They don’t worry about whether their water bowl is half empty or half full." Funny.
ReplyDeleteI am a little lost though. Is she at home? At work and she has the pink slip but is working her last few days?
At first I thought by 'family' she was married with kids. And I thought Asher was a guy she was going to have an affair with.
You've got the right elements here, they just need a bit of restructuring and organizing so your speed reader doesn't get lost.
You can do it!
:)
The jury is still out as to whether I like the dog referrence. I'm leaning to No.
ReplyDeleteUnemployment is a good set up. A lot of people can relate to that right now.
I would read on a few pages.
I'm very curious and would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe first 2 paragraphs spend a little too much time in her head for my taste. I'd like to know Asher's last name right away, as well.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know why she's calling. I want to find out what's happening sooner.
One thing... I don't get the connection to dogs here. It would make better sense right off, if there is a dog right there in the opening paragraph, which makes the protagonist think about the dogs living in the moment. Yanno?
ReplyDeleteI think I'd have to read on a bit more before saying if I'm hooked or not. The "breaking unemployment news to the family" angle is a good hook, but I guess I need to see where you're going with this first.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more, but here's my thing. I'm not a big fan of having the narrator tell me what they're going to do ("The first time I called was only a few days after my downfall...") and then they do it. One or the other (preferably the latter) is usually sufficient.
ReplyDeleteSo... I'm not hooked on the opening. It's a bit confusing to me for some reason.
ReplyDeleteBUT.... I think the more important thing is I get a sense there is a dog theme that runs through the book given the title and the opening -- that might be nice in a women's fiction piece. Very commercially viable. It seems like something, given the success of Lost Art of Racing in the Rain, and Marley and Me that could really grab some interest.
The whole dog thing isn't my cup of tea, but I know a ton of people who love it, so take my critique for what it's worth.
Best of luck! AK
"He brought me into the moment." I get it. Your heroine is searching for a better way of handling the world around her. The last line ties in the first, and is the mark of an artist. You've got my tail wagging.
ReplyDeleteA pickie...instead of "history" how about "past." it's less ego driven.
The only problem I had was the name 'Asher'-- I've never heard of that name before and after an entire paragraph about dogs I thought, well, Asher was a pup she was going to adopt....
ReplyDeleteAlso, unemployed shouldn't be capitalized.
Nitpicks aside! This was very good. I loved the voice, and how in four deft paragraphs we learn a lot about our MC and her current situation. We get a feel for her personality and her yearning to be different, perhaps more courageous and carefree?
Hooked. Good job!
I liked this but am totally confused by the dog theme. I liked it though, the voice was good.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading a couple more pages before making a decision, at the moment I kinda stuck on the MC characterization. What a quirky response to being fired/let go - she's waxing philosophical about the dog, worrying about her severence running out fast and also thinking about Ashers charm etc. Odd but quirky mix. Liked the new agey 'living in the moment' but thought that was about trust and allowing the universe to provide? The bleeding ego/self-flaggelation made me think of her as a bit of a drama queen.
ReplyDeleteStay with it.
I like the writing and the voice. I like the way Asher sounds. The dog theme does nothing for me personally, but I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI loved the dog theme, although I think I lost it on the second paragraph. Too much self flagellation.
ReplyDeleteWhat confused me was I thought she was calling her family... and why would her insecurity make her think that Asher was expecting her call. This confused me... Lots of promise.. but needs some editing..
I loved, loved the dog theme. Did I tell you I loved the dog theme?
Completely confused by the dog theme. Either she needs a real dog to compare herself to, or she comes over a bit sad. And dull. And the phone sex comment about Asher makes him sound a bit sleazy.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little too confused about this one. I thought at first she was calling her family, but was too afraid to talk. I likewise though Asher was, at first, a dog, based on how his name is introduced in the first graph.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, I'm afraid.
I like the first paragraph, but you lost me with the second. I think this might be stronger if you got into the phone call faster and then let the details about the unemployment come out during the conversation (which they already are anyway). Also I was somewhat confused because it seemed like she was about to call her family, but that's not what's going on.
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of 18th century novels, in the way you've phrased things.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious what is going to happen, but I've reserved judgment on whether or not I'm hooked.
Keep working.
The whole dog/family/calling Asher thing confused me too, so I'm not really hooked. If I had back cover copy to read it might be different.
ReplyDeleteI quite liked the first paragraph, except the last phrase, which jarred for some reason. I can't quite put my finger on it.
ReplyDeleteBut then it was hard to see the connection between this, her unemployment and the phone call she dreads making.
Asher sounds like an appealing character though.
The first paragraph seemed too familiar to me. Like I'd heard it or seen it in a movie or something? So i was tied up in that rather than getting into the story.
ReplyDeleteIf this were made clear, it seems like an interesting story. Curious, but not hooked without some major editing.
ReplyDeleteThis has too many random elements - the dog metaphor, unemployment, Asher, the MC's family, and they're all cluttered together without a common thread. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDelete