Title: Fat. Geek. Rock Goddess.
Genre: Contemporary YA
I once got a Chinese fortune cookie that said, “The way you start a journey sets the tone for the entire trip.” Now, I don’t usually believe in fortune cookies or horoscopes and stuff like that, but if the first ten minutes of my first day at Roosevelt High were any sort of sign of how things were going to go for me this year, then I was in deep deep doo doo.
The bell signaling the start of the first day of ninth grade hadn’t even sounded yet and here I was, huddled in a stall of the girls’ bathroom, my extra-large butt wedged between a still un-graffitied wall and the metal flusher thingy that jutted out from the toilet. On the other side of the stall door, Tori McIntyre and her evil sidekicks, Anna and Katie, were admiring themselves in front of the long row of mirrors.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. The only reason I was in the bathroom was because I had nowhere else to go after Mom dropped me off out front, kissed my head and said, Knock em’ dead Jenna. Mom was in her typical oh-my-god-I-was-supposed-to-be-at-the-office-an-hour-ago mode and had dropped me off a whole twenty-five minutes before the orientation assembly. Faced with almost a full half hour of free time in a new school where I had no friends, I did what any girl of my size would do. I hid in the bathroom.
Miss Snark's First Victim
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ReplyDeleteOops, there was a typo in my first comment.
ReplyDeleteIt should have read: Great voice and the title has me intrigued. I'd definitely read on.
Nice work!
I'd definitely read on, even though it is starting with your mc on her first day of school. I see that a lot.
ReplyDeleteI liked the writing. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked! Liked the voice, the situation, and the promise of more to come. Great job!
ReplyDeleteYour title drew me in right away, and I am intrigued with your heroine's voice. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteInteresting and good writing. I'm unsure why she's forced to hide from girls she evidently knows, even if this is her first day. Why does she know their names, I wonder?
ReplyDeleteWith a few tweaks, this could be a good story about a fat girl and I'd read on.
The title with periods where commas would ordinarily be put me off.
I'm hooked too. I love that it is a bigger girl. And it is very real the mom dropping her off early. And what the heck DO you do when you know nobody and are waaaay early?
ReplyDeleteI did wonder how in this new school where she has no friends, she already knows who the Queen Bee is as well as her evil sidekicks.
:)
I laughed, I've hidden in the bathroom in similar circumstances. Nice touch.
ReplyDeleteSo, a few readers asked above how she knew who the queen bee's are and I assume they went to middle school together and Jenna is at a new HS? That might need some attention.
Good luck - AK
very cute and I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteI don't read this genre at all, but I was drawn in. I loved the "my extra-large butt wedged between a still un-graffitied wall and metal flusher thingy" line.
ReplyDeleteNice job.
I actually read the title after I read the words...loved it!
ReplyDeleteLove the MC already and the situation is perfect-would love to read more!
ReplyDeleteGreat start and love the title.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! I like your judicious use of self-deprecating humor. The title grabbed me from the start, and made me eager to find out more about Jenna.
ReplyDeleteI like your MC already and want to go on with her through the rest of the book. Go Jenna! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat start. Nice voice, interesting MC, absolutely clear what's going on here. Very well done.
ReplyDeleteI love this! Great voice. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteLove this. Strong voice, great beginning. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this! Definitely want more.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I love the voice and the title. Great job!
ReplyDeleteYup, definitely hooked. The voice is great, as is the sentence flow and pacing and tension. And how refreshing to read about a larger girl than the typical oh-woe-is-me-I'm-so-skinny protagonist that dominates so much of YA.
ReplyDeleteGood job! I'd absolutely read on!
Great title! Mom is great and the motivation for the bathroom hiding totally works. Not sure about the fortune cookie intro, but one thing that did make me stumble was the names of the girls. How does she know who the girls are if it's her first day and she's only been there a few minutes?!
ReplyDeleteNice start and voice, if somewhat overdone (the first day fo school thing). But, I did have a hard tim reconciling her comment that it was a new school and she didn't know anyone, to suddenly knowing the three in the bathroom. Because she knew the three, I assume they were in the younger grades together, but then it doesn't seem logical that she would say she doesn't know anyone at the school, because she would expect to see other kids she had gone to school with...
ReplyDeleteoverall, a nice start.
I like the voice, and the MC's attitude. Good job. I would read on, so you've hooked me.
ReplyDeleteBut, I didn't care for the way you wrote out the title with the periods, and I didn't understand her not knowing anyone but knowing the girls in the bathroom.
I hope you get this published, because I want to read the rest. I love it.
ReplyDeleteI paused because I couldn't figure out if she was really new in school or not. She knows the girls in the bathroom and she knows two of them as "evil sidekicks", so is this just that all the eighth graders are new in high school and she just never had any friends, or is she really new-new?
ReplyDeleteI liked you description of the mom in panic mode. I think I would keep reading.
Hope this helps and good luck!
There's nothing here that screams originality to me, and though the writing is fun, and the MC has a nice voice, I'm not sure that I would read more unless I knew there was something else coming up.
ReplyDeleteAs it stands right now, it's a scene I've too often seen before.
I enjoyed the set up in the first paragraph particuarly and Jenna's voice is suitably wry.
ReplyDeleteI laughed at the description of mother's mode.
Since this was being told in retropsect, it's OK that she knows about Tori and her evil sidekicks.
I would read on.
I like your first couple of sentences about the fortune cookie, but the rest didn't hook me. I think it's too repetitive with the multiple mentions of her hiding in the bathroom. The last sentence doesn't have as much impact as it could since we already know this.
ReplyDeleteWell, this is different: a plus-sized protagonist.
ReplyDeleteWhat's similar to other stories is: 1) first day at a new school; 2) first person; 3) stereotypical bullies.
I'd read a bit more to see if this would become more intriguing.
Keep the work up.
I'm hooked. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing is, I'm wondering how she knows the names of the girls and that they're evil when it's her first day at this school.
Maybe a winner here. I like. So I'm not in align with the secret agent! Ah well.
ReplyDelete(I go back and read the comments later! Hey, I don't mind being embarrassed--it's only my opinion anyway!)
I like the style and I'm hooked, although I'm a little confused about this being her first day and her knowing the girls in the bathroom. But I like the mc and want to know more.
ReplyDeleteWhile I am glad to see a plus-sized heroine, that isn't enough to make it interesting. I like her voice, but I also think you could have done more to give her a more distinctive personality, even in the first 250 words. One more thing - how does she know the mean girls' names if it's the first day and she doesn't know anyone? If she's remembering back to this day that's fine, but if that's the case, don't use present tense. Sorry, but I'm not hooked.
ReplyDelete