TITLE: WOLFSBANE AT MIDNIGHT
GENRE: YA
Scarlet Dimity knew what was coming. Early evenings like this had been the routine for three months. She twined her slender fingers through her long, black hair several times as she stood waiting in the back yard. A balmy June breeze blew her blue skirt around her ankles, and a disturbance of some kind sent birds flying from the trees behind her, but her eyes remained focused on the back door.
The door flew open, and her heartbeat quickened. Her mother, Corinda, and grandmother, Aradia, stepped outside. Scarlet's gaze moved to the clear glass ball in her grandmother's calloused hands. The globe glowed and three shades of green light wove like ribbons around the thin strands of glass inside the orb. Aradia handed the sphere to Corinda. The glow brightened slightly, and the green ribbons of light were instantly joined by three shades of orange.
Scarlet's stomach twisted. She knew what was hoped for, but she also knew the chances of success were slim. Would this be the moment they had waited for? Corinda stepped forward and lowered the warm, glowing Witching Ball into Scarlet's shaking hands.
The glowing stopped. The colors within the ball faded to nothing. The round glass felt cold and heavy with the weight of disappointment. Scarlet's heart sank. Why had she allowed herself to hope?
"Not to worry," Corinda said. "There's still plenty of time."
But Scarlet knew time was running out. She only had five months to make the Witching Ball glow. After her seventeenth birthday, the ball would not grant her power and she'd never be a witch.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is a great place to open the story. You've got the hook. I'd read on. Good, smooth writing, too. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like the writing and would most likely read more. I'm not sure that the title (at least not with what I've read) fits the story. My immediate thought about the title was that this would be a werewolf story. I was definitely surprised when it turned out to be about witches. You might want to reconsider the title. Then again, when someone suggested that about one of my current projects I ignored them. ; ) Very good writing.
ReplyDeleteS
Did I read something about Scarlet Dimity here last month? I've read a review or a blog on the story somewhere.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you opened with last paragrah and then talked about some of the above?
My take is that it goes on too long about what the last paragraph says, but well written.
This was well written. I don't mind description within the tension of the story. I think it helps to create the picture that forms in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
I was also hooked and would read on. I loved your names and the description of the Witching Ball! The only thing I can think of to enhance it would be giving specific colors of green and orange (like tangerine or something--that might not be right but you know what I mean).
ReplyDeleteAlso, I didn't think 'faded to nothing' flowed as well as the rest of the description. But I LOVED the next sentence about the glass feeling cold and heavy with the weight of disappointment.
Oooo, I love YA and this definitely got my attention. I want to know if Scarlet will get her power and if so what it'll be. Good hook!
ReplyDeleteThis was interesting, but the hook for some reason, didn't hold me. I think it is because in the last paragraph you reveal too much. It's okay to leave us hanging for longer while you introduce new story hooks.
ReplyDeleteApparently it is important for her to become a witch, but why? Why should the reader care if she becomes a witch or not? Don't let us go 'oh well, she'll be normal like the rest of us'.
Keep on truckin'.
:)
I'm hooked. Love the names too. As mentioned above, I expected a werewolf story as well. One thing that threw me a little, or disrupted the pace for me, was the name Witching Ball verus Witch Ball. I don't know why, it just broke the pace for me when I read the word Witching. It's time for a good witch story! :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFantastic! I would definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteThis intro got me "hooked" and I would definately read more. The descriptions of the witching ball were really what pulled me in the fastest.
ReplyDeleteMy only thought was that the door flying open seemed violent, but then the mother was comforting. Something about that didn't jibe for me.
Loved it though.
One thing I immediately noticed as another writer here - the names don't entirely go together. Scarlet, Corinda, Aradia. Scarlet's the odd girl out.
ReplyDeleteScarlet Dimity - I kept thinking too that dimity is a type of material.
The other thing is you don't tell us where Scarlet is. Is she in the woods somewhere?
I do like the sounds of the plot though. :]
I like the sound of the plot, so I'd keep going. I wish I were more in Scarlet's head though. I get the feeling I won't understand her as well as I'd hope.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is interesting, and I would probably keep reading at least until the end of the chapter to find out more.
ReplyDeleteI like your visuals regarding the orb, "green light wove like ribbons..."
Good luck.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI love the part, 'heavy with the weight of disappointment.'
I remember the title and Scarlet's name from before. What a difference this time. It no longer sounds like a werewolf story.
Great descriptions and voice.
Good luck!
Thank you all for your helpful comments everyone. For those of you concerned about the title, it DOES have werewolves. ;-)
ReplyDeleteDimity is a type of cloth, Megs, (glad you picked up on that) =D . . . This book is (loosely) based on "Little Red Riding Hood" so I gave the MC a "Red Hood" name. ;-)
Not my genre, but love it. I'm definitely hooked!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely liked this! The character voice is strong and the tension is realistic, as are Scarlet's reactions to things.
ReplyDeleteMy only nipick is that it feels like you're breaking from the character's POV when you list the proper first names of the mother and grandmother. When you see/speak to your parents, do you think of their proper names, or are they Mom and Dad? Probably the latter, right? I'd think the same would be true for Scarlet if these are people she's known her whole life and considers close family.
Good luck!
I'm hooked and I would read on. The idea of making the Witching Ball glow intrigued me. Good job!
ReplyDeleteNo peeking at earlier comments.
ReplyDeleteI liked the ending better than the beginning. The paragraph describing Scarlett's disappointment was very strong and evocative.
I think starting with the action might be preferable to the scene setting of the first paragraph, which tried to tell too much IMO.
I would read on though.
I like the premise and I'd keep reading to find out what happens. One thing I'd change is that Scarlet's moment with the witching ball feels a bit rushed. The way its written, the ball is placed in her hands,it stops glowing and the moment is over. Is there anything that Scarlet can be doing to try to make the ball glow, like concentrating or trying to empty her mind, or repeating a spell or a prayer? Since this is a key moment, I'd give her something active to do, so it just isnt somehting that happens to her and is over. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI too expected werewolves from the title, and I got the red cloth allusion...but the distance in the voice did make it a little hard for me to connect with Scarlet. And the proper names for her mother and grandmother did seem out of voice.
ReplyDeleteI will say, though, this is the third story based in part or whole on little red riding hood I've seen in the last 3-4 months, and I'm not an agent or editor...so, not sure whether that basis could be an issue.
But interesting tone and I'd likely read on a few pages. But if the voice stayed distant from Scarlet I'd probably lose interest. good luck.
Definitely hooked. I think you've got the beginnings of an interesting spin on some classic paranormal elements here.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned earlier in the comments that this is a take on the Little Red Riding Hood story. I think that's a fabulous idea. However, I also agree with some of the earlier comments that the title doesn't seem to jive with this beginning. Could you introduce the Little Red Riding Hood idea through the title somehow?
I like the title. Wolfsbane- that would be a wolf killer, so the title seemed fine to me- assuming werewolves are the bad guys here and she's going to have power to stop them or something like that.
ReplyDeleteI liked this alot. One tiny nit picky thing- the second sentence seemed off to me. Early evenings like this- like what? Maybe something simple like, She'd been doing the same thing every evening for the last three months. Just a suggestion.
I like this. A few nits: third paragraph - why were the chances of success slim? Her mother and grandmother are witches. She's been trying for three months and there are five months left. I'm a bit puzzled. A few too many adjectives. Overall, no big issues and I really liked the style. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis feels a little too overwritten, and I'm afraid the genre -- teen witch -- feels overdone.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, I'm afraid.