TITLE: Divide
GENRE: YA fantasy
The man was definitely following her, had been ever since she’d made the bad decision – the last in a long line of many – to take the shortcut that ran past the strip club.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yeah, I'd read on to see what happens to her. Given that it's YA fantasy, I'm also intrigued about how many bad decisions she could have made to add up to 'a long line of many'.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid not. It feels very generic. Too many terms I've heard before. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
I'm on the fence but I'd probably read more.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't grab me. But the next few sentences might...
ReplyDeleteIt would probably be more effective (for this reader, anyway) if the sentence ended with "her." That would have grabbed me and kept me reading. The wording of the rest feels awkward and throws me off a bit.
ReplyDeleteI get the idea, but feel the sentence is cumbersome.
ReplyDeleteProtag took the short cut past the strip club. She had to. She was definitely being followed.
That's not one sentence, but the difference, to me, is that that first line only would lead me to want to know what was next, and your version was confusing to me.
Definitely raises questions, I'd check out a bit more, read the first paragraph or so, but you'd have to reel me in by the end of that paragraph or I'd stop. You could probably cut the middle of the sentence and hopefully show me in the next few pages what the bad decisions had been.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a compelling chase scene, and I'd read on. But I agree with ChariDee - we don't need to know about the mistakes just yet, focus on the man following her.
ReplyDeleteI'm in. I love characters who make bad decisions, especially long lines of them. I'd hope though that we'd get to know the MC pretty quick so I can decide whether or not to care if the man catches her.
ReplyDeleteIt feels a little long, but intriguing. I'd keep reading and give it a shot.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to find out who the man was.
ReplyDeleteNope. Too generic for me.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Long sentence, but well constructed.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence feels like it is trying to do too much. My focus is on the writing, not the story. I feel like the writer is trying to grab me, rather than telling a story.
ReplyDeleteBreaking this up would solve that.
"The last in a long line of many" interjects backstory and interrupts the flow. It is also telling. I'd rather see "her" make bad decisions without being told they are that. Let me decide. Then I have more invested and will be less inclined to stop reading.
I would read further, but I am already wary about continuing. Any more cumbersome sentences and I'm putting the book down.
I like the gist, but I agree, it's trying to do too much. I think short and snappy would be better.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not entirely sold--for one thing, I'm not fond of unnamed protags and the use of only pronouns to start--and also, it feels a bit long and trying to put too much into it all at once. I think stopping it at "following her" (and using her name), would make it punchier. Good luck!
ReplyDelete~Merc
I read mostly mystery, and this sounds like she's going to end up the next victim of a serial killer. If she's the protag, we need her name, and a stronger voice.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not a grabber for me.
Not hooked. Too long and not enough info.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'll bite. It's not love, but I'll read on.
ReplyDeleteI like this, but the lack of particularized detail leaves it feeling a little generic. Maybe name the strip club instead of just saying "the strip club"?
ReplyDeleteThere can be a strip club in a YA fantasy? Who's doing the fantasizing?
ReplyDeleteThis read very generic: 'the man'; 'her'; 'she'd' etc...there's nothing to emotionally connect me with the scene.
Imho, this felt choppy. I liked the idea, I want to know why the man is following her, but again, the sentence didn't flow for me. Maybe change it into 2 sentences, the part between M-dashes could be next sentence?
ReplyDeleteHope that helps.
The idea isn't bad and would propel me to the next sentence, but the execution is too cumbersome. Trying to fit too much into one sentence.
ReplyDeleteToo much info included. Maybe something like this:
ReplyDeleteShe saw the man following her ever since she'd taken the shortcut past the strip club.
Or whatever.
I love women being followed, but I'd pass. Too much information forced into one sentence makes me think the rest of the book will be that way. As though it's my wife trying to tell me all about her day in the first sentence. It's a dark and dangerous time for the MC, I want to be fed the her predicament slowly and precisely at this point. Plenty of time for longer sentences when she's at work or describing her mother.
ReplyDeleteWhat are the ideas you're conveying? First, she's being followed. Second, she's been making poor decisions. The fact she's being followed is the primary fact, and since you have to give at least some setting to give the thing any meaning whatsoever, then I'd suggest starting with where she is, then a second sentence that ends in her predicament. Always leave the juiciest part for last.
Also, give the name. It immediately gives the character some form, even if you're about to kill her.
I'd go with something like "Sophia Loren shouldn't have taken the short cut past the strip club. (description of footsteps, breathing, shadows that lead her to her conclusion) The man was definitely following her."
Fred
It pulls me in situationally (I don't think that's a word, but meh, I'm stickin with it) so that would make me read the next few sentences.
ReplyDeleteAlone, however, there's too many generics-for-the-sense-of-suspence/mystery: the man, her, she'd, the bad decision. I think I'd rather know what this bad decision was off-the-jump. It would lead us into her character better.