TITLE: Secret's at Billy Talbot's Grave
GENRE: Suspense
Every week or so, after Billy died and Papa ran off, I’d wander my way through the woods to the graveyard to talk to Billy about the things I’d seen - I could blab it all to him, cause dead people don’t tell secrets.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This has potential. I'd scan other pages. The voice is very--hmmm, native? It immediately makes me think the narrator lives in the past, or tiny rural town removed from any sort of 'civilation'. I picture a close-knit, small farming community. If that is indeed the case, good job imparting so much info in so little a space!
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
You could chop off part of that sentence because it's a little bit repetetive. Like maybe:
ReplyDeleteEvery week or so, I'd wander my way ..... to talk to Billy about the things I'd seen - I could blab it all to him, cause dead people don't tell secrets.
You still know immediately that Billy is dead and the MC can see him regularly. Anyways, it's really interesting. I'd read more.
I like the voice and the style, and I'm curious. I might read the rest of the paragraph or page, and the back copy, but I can't guarantee the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Conni on this one.
ReplyDeleteActually I like this. The voice is strong and I want to know what the secret is. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ Redqueen. It would hook me more that way.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! Your character comes to life in that sentence! I just had an epiphany.
ReplyDeleteLike it a lot.
ReplyDeleteYou could tighten a little - you indicate Billy is dead three times in one sentence, so the first is not needed, IMO. Nice voice. I'd probably read on.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice of this. And combined with the dead people...nicely done. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the set up and the voice, so I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one who screeches to a dead halt at the title? SECRETS, not SECRET'S.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea in the first sentence, but the writing is too choppy.
ditto to all the comments (especially the comment on the apostrophe...). I like this, just needs tightening as mentioned.
ReplyDeletehalve it and keep the last line "cause dead people don't tell secrets" and you've got me hooked.
ReplyDeletethat last bit gave me goosebumps and it's really hard to give me goosebumps.
I liked it so much that I was jealous that I didn't write it.
No. I just feel like you're trying too hard. It's not feeling natural. Maybe something more direct would work better.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid the repetition rather put me off.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest pruning it quite a bit, perhaps..
Just about every week after Papa ran off, I’d wander through the woods to talk to Billy about the things I’d seen. I could blab it all to him 'cause dead people don’t tell secrets.
Ditto on the title comments (unless, of course, you mean your title to be something like THE SECRET IS AT BILLY TALBOT'S GRAVE, in which case it's not incorrect, just confusing). And ditto on the voice and need for editing comments.
ReplyDeleteI think you could use the last part of the sentence about dead people not telling secrets and insert the other stuff about her father running off later.
ReplyDeleteEvery week or so, I'd wander to the graveyard to blab my secrets to Billy 'cause dead people don't tell secrets.
Or something like that.
Sorry, I'd pass. The "Every week or so, after Billy died" immediately has me wondering if Billy is some sort of a vamp that dies every week or so. I know you have the commas in there, but it's too early IMO to be doing that. Too much info getting jammed in too fast.
ReplyDeleteI'd start by divulging that Billiy had died and pappa ran off "After Billy died and pappa ran off, I'd wander through the woods every week or so to the graveyard,"
Then I'd think about giving the reader a bit of a visual so as not to leave the reader wandering around a graveyard. "..and talk from my knees to Billy's headstone about the things I'd seen." Then new sentence "I could...secrets."
Fred